Hair of the Dog: Swept Clean (Texans @ Titans)

I have a confession to make: I've never seen the Texans play in person. I'm not so far away from Jacksonville that I couldn't go to a game there, and I'm sure I will someday, but it's been more of an issue that I've not been able to give up the weekend or the funds required for the trip.

Besides, every time I go to Jacksonville a small part of me dies (unless I'm just passing through to play a round at TPC Sawgrass, which is awesome).

I'm not proud of this. I feel that if I'm going to be writing about the Texans, I should probably have seen them live at least once.

Well, at least I'm in the minority as far as BRB writers go as Tim and tGC are both representing in Nashville today.

So like the Texans, BRB is playing shorthanded today. Next blogger up.

Pregame (including a few leftovers from Saturday night):

MDC:

The good news is that I think Alabama can stomp ND, so I'm ok with that.

BFD:

I just said the same thing. Kitten ND.

Vega:

Am I the only one rooting for ND in the BCS Championship game? It's not that I like ND by any stretch, but I hate the idea of another SEC championship game

Brett:

I'm rooting for ND for precisely that reason. Screw the SEC.

Rivers:

Asking me to decide between Notre Dame and Alabama is like asking me if I'd rather relive my first relationship or my latest relationship.

MDC:

I assume Tim is rooting for those Irish kittentasters.

I'd root for any non-Ohio State team against ND. Literally, ANY other one.

UT:

They just showed Richard Simmons on Rob Riggle's picks. I'm pretty sure anyone who has a hangover just threw a brick through their TV.

Tim:

I think you guys should know the pregame entertainment here at LP Field was Gretchen Wilson.

MDC:

I would've expected Big & Rich for a game of this magnitude.

God, Nashville country is dogshit.

First Quarter:

Vega:

Is it me, or does it seem like we've started every game with a play action. It's been working too.

Brett:

It's hit or miss when we start like that (Green Bay comes to mind with that opening sack)

UT:

Lestar Jean, ladies and gentlemen.

Rivers:

He just elevated his status to Ring of Honor. One more and he's officially on HOF watch.

UT:

YOU NEED MOAR CONVINCING?!!?

Why do you hate America?

Vega:

How long until we send Quin on a blitz?

MDC:

I figured Wade would line that up on the first snap and drop Quin out of it, just to see if LOLcker kitten his pants.

Rivers:

Manning has to make that play.

Brett:

To be fair, Cook ran a really, really good Post corner there

MDC:

Yeah. Either Cook has freakishly strong hands or Manning just screwed the pooch there.

Vega:

Waaaaaay too much time for Locker on that play

Rivers:

That was an awful throw.

Pass rush is officially on the milk carton.

MDC:

They are triple (or at least two-and-a-half) teaming Watt on a lot of snaps. So, uh, it would be great if Ming and Barwin would wreck some kitten

MDC:

I just figured it out: Forsett's running style reminds me of Steve Slaton in Slaton's best season.

Rivers:

Interesting that Forsett is getting early snaps over Tate. And that nobody misses Tate at all.

TDC:

Ben Jones just pancaked the hell out of someone. Me likee.

MDC:

It would be awesome if Forsett just started popping up and continuing runs every time, just as a huge middle finger to Jim Schwartz.

Vega:

I don't think he'd see it. All the Lions are still celebrating the fact that they had pancakes this morning.

Rivers (after Darius Reynaud's fair catch at the 5):

Darius Reynaud is auditioning for Marciano with that fair catch

Brett:

Got 'em backed up to the 5. Cue the Quin blitz.

TDC:

Was that a Harris pass defensed? Niiiiiiice.

MDC:

Dowell Loggains looks like Rudy. And he was a walk-on at Arkansas? That explains so very much.

MDC:

Can we also mention that Martin caught that punt over his shoulder, while running away from the play? Because that's so damned stupid, I want to punch his family.

Yes, all of them. Spartan-fan kittenholes.

Vega (after Andre Johnson slipped):

Do the Texans even wear spikes?

Brett:

Has anybody else noticed that the empty set bubble screen is Kube's new favorite 3rd down play? He runs it almost every damn time.

TDC:

Brandon Harris again showing something against the slot.

UT:

Kareem Jackson is a bad bad man. No, I can't believe I just wrote that either.

Vega:

I'm starting to get cautiously excited with Keshawn Martin as a returner. I think with a real coach, he could be good.

UT (after the Duane Brown injury):

Oh God, no, don't take Duane, take me instead!!!

TDC:

Not Duane Brown. ANYONE BUT DUANE BROWN.

Vega (before a timeout):

For a second I got excited about Kubiak going for it on fourth down. Now he'll probably kick the field goal.

Vega (after the timeout):

Shit, he went for it! I love it!!

UT:

He went for it on fourth and short again?

Does he only have a few months to live? Did he lose a bet?

Rivers:

Kubiak, look at you. Good aggressive fourth-and-1 attempt. Rewarded. Remember that, Gary

TDC:

AGGRESSIVIAK!!!!!

Brett:

Cut that jugular, Kubes. Cut that jugular.

TDC:

James Casey has really had a nice season. He doesn't get the pub that he should.

MDC:

Because the court order says that I can't praise him the way I otherwise would.

tGC (with an on-field report):

Vega:

Arian Foster's touchdowns are so nonchalant

UT:

I guess Arian had to add that kiss to his touchdown celebration to differentiate himself from every other player who stole his bow.

UT (after Watt's sack):

J.J. Watt and Reggie White in the same breath. Gotta love it.

MDC:

Harlan just called Antonio Smith "Don Quixote" on that celebration. What in the tapas-and-sangria-loving kitten is he talking about?!?

Vega (after Antonio Smith's sack was wiped out by penalty):

Antonio Smith's non-stat line now includes a TD and a sack.

Rivers:

The hold on Watt on that Locker run for the first down was hilarious

UT:

I just shouted "kitten you" at Jake Locker in a bar full of UW fans.

I don't think I'm making it out of here alive.

Vega:

Damien Williams just lost a collision to a random guy on the sideline.

Brett:

Going for it on 4th and 6?

Brett:

AND A DELAY OF GAME? HAHAHAHAHAHA

MDC:

Remember that Nightmare On Elm Street where Freddy killed people by appearing in their dreams?

J.J. Watt is close to that as far as NFL QBs are concerned. If Jake Locker dies in his sleep, you'll know why.

TDC:

Merciless. Making more of an impact than Brooks Reed.

tGC:

The boos make me smile deep down inside.

Brett:

LOL. Quin just ran straight into the tunnel.

Half Time:

Vega:

Locker's stats so far: 8/22, 0 TD, 2 INT, 12.7 Rating.

Brett:

Peterson has 15 carries for 176 yards and a touchdown in one half. What. The. Fuck.

MDC:

Don't you get something like 29 if you just throw every ball into the turf?

TDC:

I think it's 39.6.

Tim:

This is the most tepid and quiet home crowd I've ever seen. Feels like I'm at church, except I'm drinking openly.

Brett:

You can't drink openly at church? Whoops.

UT:

I'm pretty sure they drink openly at church in Nashville too.

Third Quarter:

TDC:

Pass rush? Pass rush.

MDC:

I'd just like to point out that we went for a fourth down earlier and we didn't run a draw on third and 14 right there. Someone has drugged Kubes, and it's a good thing.

Brett (after another Watt deflected pass):

And that right there is an NFL record for J.J. Watt.

MDC:

Is there a record for number of times I want to rename my kids and dogs after an NFL player? Because JJ holds that one by a wide margin.

TDC:

WTF Shayne Graham?!

Tim:

Now Phil Vassar is playing "Santa's Gone Hollywood" live in the middle of the third quarter. I couldn't make this shit up.

TDC:

Barrett Ruud sack. I don't even know anymore.

Brett:

Rex has officially replaced Mark Sanchez with....Greg McElroy.

UT:

Mercilus is making Locker look bad. Okay worse.

UT:

Goddamnit Keshawn, if we wanted a return man who went backwards, we'd have stuck with Jacoby Jones.

MDC:

Dear Kendall Wright,

You're losing by 21. Kitten you and your celebrating after that catch. I hope you burn in hell with Bud Adams.

Yours in Christ,

MDC

Brett:

Are we playing ultra soft zone now? Wtf?

MDC:

Kareem just got beaten like a 2010-era redheaded step-child.

TDC:

Kareem Jackson getting toasted. Ahhhhh, Memories.

Rivers:

My initial reaction to that touchdown was not immediately saying "kitten you Kareem Jackson." I finally accepted in my mind that he's not terrible

Fourth Quarter:

MDC:

Um...can this not unfold the way it's unfold as I write this? Please?

Vega:

That fourth down play was awesome

MDC:

Justin.

James.

Watt.

Motherkitteners

UT:

Praise Durga and pass the mashed potatoes.

Brett:

I wonder if they'll actually count that one as a sack considering he slipped.

/still bitter that Watt got screwed out of the same type of thing last time

MDC:

Per Scurfield, it was a "team sack," so Watt doesn't get it

Brett:

what the kitten is a team sack?

MDC:

An additional way to kitten JJ out of a sack?

Vega:

The only potentially good thing going on here is that this might convince the Titans that Locker is in fact a capable quarterback.

Tim:

Another thing I think you guys should know: Bud Adams retired his name at LP Field. It's up in the rafters among the players whose jerseys are retired.

MDC:

Was the associated number 666?

UT:

Well, I blew it. After that PI call, my wife just left and took the car with her.

TDC:

AND THE GOOD REVEREND SAID YOU HAVE TO RISE UP AND SNATCH THE INTERCEPTION FROM THE EVIL LOCKER

tGC:

All that you can hear in the stadium is chants of HOUSTON! TEXANS!

Awesomest. Thing. Ever.

TDC:

Franchise-best 11 wins. Franchise-record 6 straight road wins. 4-0 in the AFC South. 2nd ever sweep of the Titans. 2nd straight playoff berth.

This makes it all worthwhile.

That wasn't a dominant blowout, but it also wasn't another nail biter. The Texans defense looks like it might be getting back to form and just needs to get healthy. Though, admittedly, I'm already starting to shudder about the thought of what Brady might do to the secondary. It's likely that over 100 points may be scored.

But for now, let's enjoy the fact that the Texans are going back to the playoffs and are an astonishing 11-1 a mark that even the most optimistic of us wasn't predicting. To top it off, they've swept Bud Adams' army of darkness for the first time since 2004.

Game Balls:

Offense: Justin Forsett. I know he didn't score, but nobody else really stood out and I just loved the way he spelled Foster.

Defense: J.J. Watt. Thought about Antonio Smith here seeing as he should have had two sacks and a touchdown. Also thought about Mercilus considering his two sacks. But when I factored in the fact that Smith's TD that should have been was because Watt caused the fumble and Mercilus' second sack was due to Watt blowing up the pocket, I had to give this to Watt.

Special Teams: Donny Jones. He had some nice punts out there today. Yeah, I know... not exciting, but at least nobody screwed up too bad.