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Free Agency Open Thread 5: Then Why Did I Have The Bowl, Bart? WHY DID I HAVE THE BOWL?!

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Depending on how you look at it, we're either in Day 3 of free agency or the latter part of Day 2. Either perspective is fine with me, I guess, and I'm unsure why anyone who wasn't trying to set up sequential open threads would even worry about such things. Maybe they don't. Maybe I'm just projecting. Maybe I'm talking to myself because reading over 6,000 comments between Monday morning and today has warped my brain in ways that I cannot begin to fathom.

However you choose to define today, it will not change what we know at this point. (Yes, I'm willfully disregarding certain epistemological concerns in that statement. Get off my back, Gilbert Ryle.) Chief among these: we may very well have to form a militia and invade Buffalo to rescue Mario Williams, who seems to have been kidnapped in that post-industrial pit of hell. While you guys are rescuing Mario, BFD and I will rescue his ladyfriend. Don't worry; we'll catch up with you later. No, really, go ahead. We work better alone . . . together.

Obviously, this is your first open thread of the day. After the jump, a video to distract from the time suck that constantly seeking out free agency news has become.