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Battle Red Bounty: The Sicker Picker Upper

Though he just got paid, Arian Foster looks to supplement his income by $1,500.
Though he just got paid, Arian Foster looks to supplement his income by $1,500.

By now you've almost certainly heard of the bounty program that Gregg Williams and the New Orleans Saints put in place. The program was established to reward players for taking opposing players out of the game.

If you've been following the story, you've probably heard countless perspectives about how this is common place in the NFL, and even more about how regardless of the frequency of occurrence, such actions are counterproductive towards efforts to make the game safer and can impact the competitive integrity of the NFL.

Personally, after watching multiple Texans players (read: Schaub) victimized by multiple cheap shots over the years, I'm proud that the team has been able to field a formidable defense without resorting to such tactics.

But if you want to read a serious and well thought out opinion on the place of bounty programs in the game, I would direct you toward Joe Posnanski. If you want to read something stupid and light hearted, carry on.

Personally, after reading this, I can't deny that a part of me was wondering what it would be like to set up my own bounty program. I can think of a few coworkers who may benefit from a crowbar to the side of the knee -- and by "benefit," I'm referring to my own benefit of course.

Keeping it football-related, I decided to risk the ire of Roger Goodell and establish my own bounties.

The Saints' bounties ranged anywhere from a few dollars upwards of about $2,000, so I will do the same. If anyone follows up on these actions, they may or may not receive a check from me as a reward. You know, when I get around to it (checks will not be honored).

John McClain: McClain is on the list because of his propensity to spout the most obvious facts while pretending that he's providing insight. Sure, sometimes he might actually break some news, such as Arian Foster's new contract, but this is more reflective of his access than any actual work. We still had to wait for others to actually tell us what the terms were. For someone with his access level, he should really be providing fans with much more value than he actually is. Not only that, anyone who shares a name with this guy (even if it's spelled differently) should really be more badass. The bounty here is $500 for getting him removed from the Chronicle with an extra $500 if you can do it by luring him out with a stack of pancakes.

Bud Adams: I shouldn't have to explain why Adams is on this list. It's more than just taking the Oilers out of Houston. It's really more because he's a complete waste of mass and should be punished for sucking up oxygen that could be better spent oxidizing car parts. My proposed bounty, however, might surprise you. I'm offering the full $2,000 for every year that Bud Adams can be kept alive. See, I figure that when he finally makes his pass through the gates of hell, it will be a reprieve from the time he's spent in Nashville with a football team forever mired in mediocrity. So the longer he can be cursed with the Titans, the better.

Cortland 'innegan: Cortland 'innegan is on the list because he's an overrated cornerback who's best move is a cheap shot. The bounty here is $500 for anyone who can give him the beat down he so desperately deserves. UPDATE: Bounty claimed by Andre Johnson.

Shahid Khan: Admittedly, I don't really have any reason to put a bounty on this guy, and I feel a little bad for piggy-backing on the overplayed he-looks-like-he-has-a-woman-tied-to-the-railroad-tracks thing. Still, look at the guy! Tell me he doesn't look like Snidely Whiplash. It's a low bounty now -- only $100 -- but it's really more of a placeholder for the one who can foil his inevitable evil plans.

Terry McCormick: I'm not going to lie. I'm not tremendously familiar with McCormick's work. While I may or may not have read his stuff in the past, he never made much of an impression on me. Then this happened. I'm no journalist, but someone who can give the finger to journalistic integrity without so much as an apology deserves to be on the list. After that, I pretty much never paid attention to him again (consciously this time), but he's still on the list. $1,000 for anyone who can put him within arm's reach of Andre Johnson.

Andrew Luck: Like Khan, I really have nothing against Andrew Luck. Yet. Luck is almost a given to become the first pick in the 2012 draft for the Indianapolis Colts and the quarterback of the future for that franchise. I realize that he hasn't done anything in the NFL yet. He's never thrown a pass, never won a game, and never been involved in a scandal. But bounty-ing, is like the stock market -- buy low. Right now, the demand for a Luck bounty is low, so I want to get in before prices get too high. I mean, Brett Farve was demanding $10K at the end of his career, so while there's still a chance that Luck's career busts out, I'm going to get in while it's still affordable. $100 for the man or woman who can make his career go the path of David Carr. Speaking of...

David Carr: I know. I should let it go. The Texans have become a successful team and have finally exorcised the demons of their past. But I'm still pissed at David Carr for giving us the "David Carr Years." The fact that he now has a Super Bowl ring is almost a kick to the collective groin of Texans fans. $150 to anyone who can conclusively prove how worthless a player Carr is. UPDATE: Bounty collected by David Carr by doing his part in the Giants' Super Bowl run by not attempting a single pass this season. His lack of playing time was crucial to the team's success.

Albert Haynesworth: Apparently, I'm a bitter man. Similar to Luck, the price on Haynesworth is currently low. A few years back, he may have been worth a max bounty, but his lack of production in recent years has caused the number of teams who think he's worth an oversized uniform to dwindle. The only thing he's done of any consequence recently is stay fat. This, however, has been extremely consequential, as his excessive girth broke Matt Schaub's foot. As such, he stays on this list both for long gone transgressions and more recent ones. $250 for revenge. An extra $250 if you can get him to re-sign with the Titans.

Mike Florio: Florio is an idiot. We should really not expect more of him. It's really our fault for continuing to look at his drivel and continuing to be upset that he continues to be an idiot. I mean, when the dog craps on the carpet, you have to accept a little bit of responsibility for not letting him out. The dog's just doing what he does. Putting a bounty on ourselves, however, would be counter-productive and decidedly less fun. Besides, this needs to be punished. $300 for creative editing of PFT's Wikipedia page. I reserve the right, however, to add a bounty to anyone producing a Florio piece and claiming it to be anything more than dog crap on the carpet.

Jacoby Jones: Because this has nearly a $5M cap hit this year. $1,500 to Rick Smith the second he cuts Jones. Should Jones be employed by the Texans next year, though, the bounty goes to whomever takes out Smith's left kneecap. Bounty will not be rewarded for any more damage, though, as Rick has otherwise done a stellar job in the past year.