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If You Want To See This Seventh Card, You're Gonna Stop Speakin' Sputnik!

It's DeMeco Ryans, Dom Barber, and Chris White!  Wait . . . no.  Nevermind.
It's DeMeco Ryans, Dom Barber, and Chris White! Wait . . . no. Nevermind.

I am not much of a gambler. This is for three reasons, really. First, I hate losing far more than I enjoy winning. So a bet that wins me $100 will make me happy for a few minutes, while losing $100 will ruin hours of my life. (I don't suspect that this is the normal state of things for most people. But, then, much of my life does not seem to be the normal state of things for most people.)

Second, I've found that betting changes how (and if) I enjoy certain things. I hate the idea of not fully enjoying a particular win or loss simply because the final score wasn't where I needed it to be for betting purposes. I already have enough of that in my life via fantasy football, and adding money on top of that is just not fun to me.

The third reason I don't often bet, however, is more basic: there aren't many places that offer action on the kinds of bets I would like to make. Any carpet joint can take wagers on over/under win total and point-spread winners; I need something different.

I need a bookie version of the Cheapo Casino.1

Team-Related Bets

Weeks Before Schaub Has A Performance That Causes The Hoi Polloi To Clamor For T.J. Yates:
Fewer Than 8 (-120)
8 Or More (+240)

Total Eyebrows On The Field For First Play Of Baltimore's First Offensive Possession Versus Houston:
Over 21.5 (+600)
Under 21.5 (-320)

Total Tarp Usage, As Percentage Of Total Available Seating, For September 16th Game Versus Jacksonville:
Over 12.5% (+140)
Under 12.5% (-110)

More Wins In September:
Houston Texans (-200)
Houston Astros (+160)

What Gus Johnson Will Call An End-Around:
End-Around (+750)
Reverse! (-750)

NFC Team Who Will Lose To Houston In The Super Bowl:
Green Bay Packers (-175)
Detroit Lions (-150)
New York Giants (-135)
Atlanta Falcons (-105)
San Francisco 49ers (+105)
Philadelphia Eagles (+170)
New Orleans Saints (+210)
Chicago Bears (+225)
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (+245)
Washington Redskins (+310)
Seattle Seahawks (+350)
Minnesota Vikings (+395)
Carolina Panthers (+420)
Arizona Cardinals (+475)
Dallas Cowboys (+500)
St. Louis Rams (+\infty)

Player-Related Bets

Amount Of Turf, In Ounces, Ben Jones Will Eat In 2012:
Not Zero (-200)
Zero (+120)

Will We Miss Jacoby Jones?
No (-770)
Yes (+999)

Blaine Gabbert:
LULZ (-215)
Not LULZ (+330)

Percentage of Solo Tackles In 2012 In Which Bryan Braman Is Wearing A Helmet:
100% (+160)
Under 100% (-225)

Number Of Peyton Manning/Mario Williams References Made By TV Announcers During Two 2012 Houston-Indianapolis Matchups:
Over 29.5 (-440)
Under 29.5 (+130)

Player Most Likely To End Peyton Manning's Season & Career On September 23rd:
Connor Barwin (-275)
Brian Cushing (-255)
J.J. Watt (-205)
Antonio Smith (-190)
Whitney Mercilus (-150)
Jared Crick (-120)
Brooks Reed (-105)
Shaun Cody (+3600)

Arrests of Kenny Britt, 2012:
Over 2.5 (-180)
Under 2.5 (+140)

Playoff victories for Kenny Britt, 2012:
Over .5 (+500)
Under .5 (-350)

Rookie Nickname That Is Most Likely To Stick:
Ming The Mercilus (-180)
DeVry Posey (+200)2


[1] Should you ever find yourself in a casino that offers Rock-Paper-Scissors, you'll be glad to have read the tips in this link.

[2] Yes, this is a dig at the college he attended. No, I am still not over it.