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Predicting The Winners (Week Three), Or: Picks, Baby, Picks (Hot Wings Inferno!)

Really?  You're sending Gabbert out, again?
Really? You're sending Gabbert out, again?

My, oh, my that was an ugly, ugly week last week. Sure the Texans won handily against a team that my mother and 10 of her friends could have beaten, and the Traitors lost in ignominious fashion to the Chargers, and the Seahawks embarrassed the Cowfarts (which, I might add, was highly satisfying when sitting among a throng of their fans), but that's not what I'm talking about.

Last week was a brutal week for picking winners. I mean, come on, if any of you said you had Arizona beating the Patriots or Miami beating anybody this season, I'd call you a liar.

Never mind. Let's just forget last week's picks ever happened. Let's move on to this week, shall we?

Fine, we'll recap. Sheesh. Last week, I managed a stunning 5-11 record, which brings our year-to-date total up to: 15-16.

Now, onto the picks!

Thursday Night 8:20 EDT/5:20 PDT

New York Giants at Carolina Panthers - Hakeem Nicks appears to be inactive for tonight's game. By itself not a huge problem, but combine that with no Domenik Hixon, Ahmad Bradshaw, and David Diehl and the offense has its work cut out for them. Pick: Panthers


1:00 p.m. EDT/10:00 a.m. PDT

Jacksonville Jaguars at Indianapolis Colts - Andrew Luck looked pretty good against the Vikings, and Blaine Gabbert...well...we know what happened to Blaine Gabbert on Sunday. The Colts should win this one, but it won't be the curbstomping the Texans gave to the Glitter Kittehs. Pick: Colts

Buffalo Bills at Cleveland Browns - Well, lookie there, the Buffalo Bills' defense decided to show up on Sunday. Mario Williams didn't, but the rest of the defense did. Will it be enough to stifle Trent Richardson and Brandon Weeden, who threw for over 300 yards against the Bengals? I don't know; all I know is what my grandmother told me on her death bed (not really). She said, "Nobody ever lost money by underestimating the Cleveland Browns." Or maybe it was H.L. Mencken. I always confuse the two. Pick: Bills

New York Jets at Miami Dolphins - I can't bring myself to have an opinion of this game. So instead, I will copy a quote from Tim Tebow to make fun of:

"We can't get negative plays, it always hurts when you do," high-profile backup quarterback Tim Tebow said.

You see, it's insight like this that makes Tebow such a high-profile backup quarterback! Despite this, I think the Jets win this one. Pick: Jets

Kansas City Chiefs at New Orleans Saints - The Saints defense is bad, I mean like Frank Bush bad, giving up 461 total yards of offense per game and 186 rushing yards per game. That said, the Chiefs have been outscored by 34 points so far this season (all in two games). I think Brees can make some hay out of that, and will do so, because if the Saints go 0-3 to start the year, the next two weeks will be very bad for me personally. Pick: Saints

Cincinnati Bengals at Washington Redskins - The Bengals gave up over 300 yards passing to Brandon Weeden. Let that sink in for a minute: Brandon Freakin' Weeden. And now that same defense is expected to contain Bob Griffin III? The Pride of Katy better have an Eli Manning kind of day is all I'm saying. Pick: Redskins

Detroit Lions at Tennessee BE-SFs - I could make fun of how wretched Chris Johnson's running has been. But that'd be too easy. Instead, now that the BE-SF fanbase is complaining about CJ(file not found)K's contract, I've begun imagining he and Vince Young, both out of the league with long scraggly beards and wearing tattered clothes, fighting over a slab of meat they found, and muttering incomprehensible curses at each other. For Chris Johnson, incomprehensibility will be nothing new. Pick: Lions

San Francisco 49ers at Minnesota Vikings - I suspect Christian Ponder will be found before the game tampering with whatever it is that keeps the roof from collapsing, to avoid this game. It will be a bloodbath, a purple bloodbath. Pick: 49ers

St. Louis Rams at Chicago Bears - By the time you finish reading this sentence, Jay Cutler will have been sacked another three times, and not by the Rams, either. Just by people walking past him in the street. Pick: Bears

Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Dallas Cowfarts - There is no more deeply moving religious experience than watching a severely pissed-off Cokeboys fan. Speaking of which: Enjoy! Also, a note to Greg Schiano, if you're going to rush the quarterback in Victory formation, Tony Romo is an excellent candidate to try this against! Pick: Buccaneers

4:05 p.m. EDT/1:05 p.m. PDT

Atlanta Falcons at San Diego Chargers - While the Chargers will be going up against a team with Chris Johnson-esque rushing yardage (yes, I'm taking another shot at CJneutrinoK), the Falcons will actually be able to air out the ball. Pick: Falcons

Philadelphia Eagles at Arizona Cardinals - Did you know the Eagles have nine turnovers already this season, three more than any other team? Want to guess who's responsible for seven of those? Michael Vick. I wonder if Eagles fans are starting to wish they held onto Kevin Kolb. Probably not. Anyway, with that in mind, I think this is a good candidate for an upset special. Pick: Cardinals

4:25 p.m. EDT/1:25 p.m. PDT

Pittsburgh Steelers at Oakland Raiders - It's looking ugly in Oakland, and I don't mean the masks the fans wear at the stadium, either. If you let Miami run roughshod over you, then you really should steer clear of Pittsburgh, for obvious reasons. Even with their sieve-like offensive line and antiquated defense, the Steelers should, with the help of exceptionally stupid refs, win this one. Pick: Steelers

The Only Team That Matters at Denver Broncos - This will be the first time that the Bulls on Parade will square off against Peyton Manning. Peyton will come out spitting mad after throwing three picks in eight minutes, and frankly, I think he'll get stifled again against the Texans' defense. Pick: You Really Have To Ask? Texans

8:20 p.m. EDT/5:20 p.m. PDT

New England Patriots at Baltimore Ravens - In a rematch of the AFC Championship Game from last year, the Ravens defense is missing Terrell Suggs, and the Pats are missing tight end Aaron Hernandez. It's a damn good matchup and I could see either side winning it. But in the end, I think the Pats' shortcomings on defense will decide it. Pick: Ravens

Monday 8:30 p.m. EDT/5:30 p.m. PDT

Green Bay Packers at Seattle Seahawks - Another interesting least on one side of the ball. It'll be the first real test of the Seahawks' defense. No, I don't count the Cowboys, as I said their first "real" test. But what a test, against Aaron Rodgers and the Packers. It's not going to be easy for them. As much as I hate to say it, I think the Pack wins. Their defense is good enough and the Hawks' offensive line is already banged up. Pick: Packers

Have a different opinion? Want to get in on the Chris Johnson jokes? Add them to the comments below. And some boneless wings. Boneless wings are good, too.