Predicting The Winners (Week Four), Or: Lawyers, Wings, And Picks

7-9. While it may not look like much, it's still an improvement over the week before, which we shall not discuss for obvious reasons. There is an argument that I should, technically, be 8-8, but the Seahawks won, and I'll just have to accept that with quiet dignity.

The rest of Week Three, however, was a screwy, tangled, and, as always, unpredictable mess. Maybe I'm being too logical when it comes to making picks. I always do better with the "random pick for arbitrary reason" method. So we'll try that this week, you know, for a change of pace.

Last Week's Record: 7-9
Record to Date: 22-25 (hopefully I'll be somewhere closer to Kubiak's W-L record as a head coach sooner rather than later).

On to the picks!

Off this week: Indianapolis Colts, Pittsburgh Crooks...I mean Steelers

Thursday Night 8:20 EDT/5:20 PDT

Cleveland Browns at Baltimore Ravens - This game seems almost unfair, you know? I mean, the Browns should dominate easily this week. I almost pity the Ravens. And if you believe that, I've got a bridge over the Ship Channel I'd like to sell you. Pick: Ravens

Sunday

1:00 p.m. EDT/10:00 a.m. PDT

San Francisco 49ers at New York Jets - The Niners lost to the Vikings and I don't think that sat well with Aldon Smith and Patrick Willis. I could make a Tim Tebow joke here, but that would be too easy. Pick: 49ers

Seattle Seahawks at St. Louis Rams - You would think the Rams would be a handy win for the Seahawks, but they always play tough, especially in St. Louis. Yet I don't think the Rams' offense can handle the Seahawks' defense. May Durga have mercy on Sam Bradford's soul. Pick: Seahawks

Carolina Panthers at Atlanta Falcons - I don't see how the Panthers can keep up with the Falcons' offense; especially if Cam Newton continues to play like he did last week. Pick: Falcons

Minnesota Vikings at Detroit Lions - Apparently that whole "bad boy" image the team is trying to instill in itself did not extend to the secondary. The last time I saw a secondary so pitiful, Frank Bush was calling plays for it. That said, I still don't think the Vikings will take this one. Pick: Lions

San Diego Chargers at Kansas City Chiefs - If the Chargers can contain Jamaal Charles, they should win this game handily. They did, after all, keep Chris Johnson from running on them...then again, that isn't saying much of anything. Pick: Chiefs

East Arkansas BESFs at Houston Texans - Anyone who picks the Traitors in this game is a Communist. Wait, that didn't come out right. I'll rephrase, your honor. Anyone who picks the Traitors to win this game has more teeth than brain cells, which might explain why so many East Arkansans think the Traitors will win. Pick: Texans

New England Patriots at Buffalo Bills - Mario Williams got his first unicorn last week in their win against Cleveland. Technically it was a unicorn and a half, but I don't count those...they're very messy. Can he become Bonecrusher Part Two against Tom Brady? Somehow I doubt it. Pick: Patriots

4:05 p.m. EDT/1:05 p.m. PDT

Cincinnati Bengals at Jacksonville Jaguars - Jaguars and Bengals and Tarps, oh my! Jaguars and Bengals and Tarps, oh my! Well, they say even a blind squirrel finds a nut once in a while, which is my current working theory for how the Jaguars beat the Colts last week. Something tells me that blind squirrel will only find more tarps this week against the non-glittered kitties. Pick: Bengals

Oakland Raiders at Denver Broncos - I don't have anything terribly pithy to say about this matchup. Peyton Manning is, based on what we saw, a bit overrated, but he should still hand the Raiders a loss. Pick: Broncos

Miami Dolphins at Arizona Cardinals - As weird as it sounds, the Cardinals could run away with a lead in the NFC West. Their next three games are pretty fluffy, starting with the Dolphins. In case you hadn't guessed, I'm picking the Cardinals here. Pick: Cardinals

4:25 p.m. EDT/1:25 p.m. PDT

Washington Redskins at Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Psst, Coach Schiano, the rushing the quarterback in victory formation thing? Not working. Maybe it's time to give it a rest. Especially since I think if you managed to hit and injure Robert Griffin III, you might not live to see the next morning. I know at least one Texans beat writer who would see to that. Also, I don't think you'll win. Pick: Redskins

New Orleans Saints at Green Bay Packers - I think the Packers are going to be just a little peeved going into this game. I don't fully understand why, something about a touchdown gone awry, it doesn't matter. I just hope Clay Matthews doesn't actually murder Drew Brees in a fit of rage. Even replacement refs would call a flag on that...I think. Pick: Packers

8:20 p.m. EDT/5:20 p.m. PDT

New York Giants at Philadelphia Eagles - The Giants got more than a week's rest after easily dispatching the Carolina Panthers on Thursday Night Football. And now they face another mobile quarterback in Michael Vick. Never mind the 12 turnovers the Eagles have coughed up so far this season...you know what, mind the 12 turnovers. Pick: Giants

Monday

8:30 p.m. EDT/5:30 p.m. PDT

Chicago Bears at Arlington Cowboys - This looks to be far less of a barnburner than the last Monday night game...or at least one would hope. Monday will see a clash of overrated teams. Jay Cutler is being Jay Cutler, and being Jay Cutler is not a good thing, you know, if you're trying to win. I hate to say it, but I think the Cowfarts come away with this one. Pick: Cowfarts

Now that we got that out of the way, what do y'all think? Think my picks are poorly thought out? Care to make some predictions of your own? Feel free to do so in the spiffy new comments section below.