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Three And Out: Useless Predictions For Dolphins-Texans

"Oh, some clown on the internet says I'm gonna play on Sunday?  Then I will most definitely play on Sunday."
"Oh, some clown on the internet says I'm gonna play on Sunday? Then I will most definitely play on Sunday."

Quoting oneself: The most haughty thing ever or the most haughtiest thing ever? Don't answer that. At least not until you read me quoting myself from this time last year.

The first real Texans game of the season is on Sunday, which means the first "Three And Out" of the 2011 2012 season, told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing, lies in wait for you after the jump.

What's this "Three And Out" nonsense, you ask? Why, it's a banal bit of schtick that's as BRBican as bleach pie, that's what it is! To quote myself:

Each week, I'll make three (3) predictions concerning statistics, plays, performance, and the like that are guaranteed to occur in Sunday's Texans game. How often are said predictions accurate? Virtually never. Remember--I'm a moron. Nevertheless, I have a microphone and you don't, so you will read every damn prediction I make!

Simply put, you should bet everything you own on each of my three (3) specific predictions, plus my final score "guarantee," coming true on Sunday. If any of them are wrong, it's just because you didn't believe in me enough. To the jump!

Ladies and gentlemen, that was even better than I expected. I quoted myself quoting myself. QUOTECEPTION. I'm tempted to drop the microphone right now, yet I'll fight that urge to give you three (3) predictions sure to go south when the Dolphins invade Reliant Stadium tomorrow.

1. Arian Foster will start. He gets 60% of the snaps in the first half, 40% of the snaps in the third quarter, and no snaps in the fourth quarter. He'll tally 15 carries for 61 yards, two receptions for 18 yards, and a TD. Ben Tate will carry the ball 18 times for 76 yards and a TD of his own.

2. Matt Schaub will remind everyone that he is a very good NFL quarterback. The Texans won't throw much in the second half (especially the fourth quarter), but I expect them to come out throwing on their first series. Schaub's final line: 19-26 for 228 yards, 2 TDs, and no turnovers. One of those touchdown passes will be to Andre Johnson.

3. Ryan Tannehill is going to have a tough first day at the NFL regular season office. He'll be sacked five times (by Connor Barwin twice, Whitney Mercilus once, J.J. Watt once, and Antonio Smith once). He'll also throw two interceptions, one to Brice McCain and one to Danieal Manning.

PUT YOUR NAME ON IT: Even with the specter of having to play this game without Arian Foster and/or Brooks Reed, the Texans have a distinct and significant advantage tomorrow. A rookie QB, in his first start, on the road, with no real receiving options? That's a tall order for any team. While it's true that the Texans have gotten the snot kicked out of them before in a very similar scenario, the 2012 Miami Dolphins defense is not the same animal as the 2009 New York Jets defense, and the 2012 Houston Texans are approximately 1,593 times better than the 2009 Houston Texans were. Dolphins 10, Texans 28.