Hair of the Dog: Now With Multiple Playoff Wins! (Bengals @ Texans)

I love the movie A Few Good Men.

I have no idea how accurate it is legally or militarily, and to be honest, I really don't care. I'm not watching the movie because I want to learn anything (and this is mostly true with me -- I don't care much for the educational value of my movies). I'm watching it because I enjoy the dialogue, the story, and watching Jack Nicholson spit in Tom Cruise's face as he's screaming on the stand.

I also think there are a lot of memorable quotes in that movie. Everybody knows about "You can't handle the truth!", but I don't even think that's the best one.

Some of my favorites include:

My client's a moron that's not against the law.

You gotta ask me nicely.

No, I like all you Navy boys. Every time we've gotta go someplace to fight, you fellas always give us a ride.

One of the quotes I find myself reciting most often, however, isn't even one of the best ones. It's in a scene towards the end when Lt. Kaffey (Cuise) and Lt. Weinberg (Kevin Pollak) are discussing whether or not to put Col. Jessup (Nicholson) on the stand.

Weinberg turns to Kaffey, and says:

But here's the thing -- and there's really no way of getting around this -- neither Lionel Kaffee nor Sam Weinberg are lead counsel for the defense in the matter of U.S. versus Dawson and Downey.

I always find myself reciting the first part of that when I'm trying to convince someone that my opinion or role doesn't matter. My wife loves this, by the way.

Honey, I'd love to get out of bed and get the baby, but here's the thing -- and there's really no way of getting around this -- neither Robert Vega nor any other man is capable of producing breast milk.

All of this is relevant now because you've probably read about a hundred items related to why the Texans won't win the Super Bowl. Most of these will revolve around the late season defensive struggles, or the complete and utter funk that the offense has been in the past few weeks.

Still, none of the opinions of any of the writers that you may read (BRB included) actually has any bearing on how the game will play out -- even the positive ones.

So, stop worrying about what you think might happen, and enjoy the show.

Pre-Game:

Vega:

I have no explanation for this, and no basis for anything, but I feel really good about this game

Brett:

I'm calling it now, Daniels goes OFF today and gets 8-10 receptions for over 90 yards and a TD.

Rivers:

In the press box. Right over the 30. Anxious.

TDC:

Big timer.

Also, I think it'll be Mr. Casey that has a big game. I think he rips off two big receptions over 20.

Vega:

My daughter just pitched a fit because I told her that I'm going to put football on, and then threw a diaper. It was a clean diaper, but still.

Brett:

You have to reeducate that child

Vega:

I gave up already and made another one.

TDC:

Every time I see J.J. Watt, I get that much more pumped up

Vega:

It's the playoffs, so I started dipping into the homebrew early. I also bought some extra beer in case I kick my keg.

Gotta bring your best today.

First Quarter:

Vega:

Looks like Manning returning kicks. Interesting.

TDC:

Schaubby run. Oh joy

Brett:

Even faked the camera out there

TDC:

Ben Jones struggling with Geno Atkins there. Almost held.

Bah. Damnit.

Vega:

3 and out to start. Just like old times.

UT:

Oh. December's team joined us today. Wonderful.

UT:

The Glenlivet is on standby here...regardless of outcome.

Vega:

And first special teams penalty of the playoffs comes with 12:08 left in the first quarter.

Damn. I had the under.

Rivers:

#JoeMarGameBall

UT:

Weekly request to fire/assassinate Joe Marciano goes here.

General disappointment that it won't happen occurs here.

TDC:

I hate our special teams so much. I've never seen a more inept group and I've seen the 2002 Houston Texans offensive line.

Vega:

Well, the 2002 o-line at least had the pleasure of watching David Carr get hit. I think that gives them the tie-breaker.

UT:

The 2010 secondary would like a word with you.

TDC:

OD with the catch. BK called it.

UT:

I almost forgot what it was like to see Foster break off a longish one.

Rivers:

Gutsy play call on the Martin end around. Loved it.

TDC:

Damn, BK, you were right. Misdirection and discipline killing Cincy.

Vega:

Drop by OD, but Schaub looking accurate so far.

Rivers:

Almost like he is or something

TDC:

If your hands are on it, you gotta snag it....and spar me the vision of Graham kicking. Ugh. Yes, I know he made it, but I was still not confident about it.

Brett:

Maualuga is doing absolutely nothing to disprove my analysis from this week. I'll take that as a personal victory.

TDC:

Katy High School shoutout. Tim's day is made.

TDC:

Earl Mitchell with a near sack. Didn't he have one last year?

TDC:

Tim's going to demand that they make a GIF of the Katy Trophy case shot.

Vega:

And there's Watt. I'm going to get a tattoo of him wearing nothing but a Matt Schaub jersey.

Vega:

Foster with his weekly slip. I hate our equipment guy like I hate Marciano.

Brett:

Geno Atkins is a kittening monster.

Vega:

End of the first quarter and that's the first comment where I've had to put a "kitten." That's a good sign

UT:

Things I don't like seeing: Matt Schaub futzing with his hands

Second Quarter:

Vega:

I hate field goals. I hate them with the fire of a thousand suns.

TDC:

Where all the touchdowns at?

Rivers:

Either Kubiak or Schaub turtled there. How about actually trying for the first down, guys?

Brett:

Eh, we're in the lead. I'll take it.

UT:

WHEELBARROW TACKLE!

TDC:

HOLY HELL! KAREEM JACKSON!

Vega:

I think we might have been better off with a punt there, but that's nit picking.

Brett:

That looked more like an interception and subsequent fumble to me, but whatever.

TDC:

We're never better off with special teams.

TDC (after the Schaub pick-six):

And the game has changed.

Brett:

Wow Matt didn't see him at all.

Vega:

That's Schaub's first TD pass since week 14.

Vega:

Wow, Kubiak pulled out the 3rd and 14 play on 2nd and 14. Fooled everyone!

Brett:

I think Daniels got a stinger a couple plays ago.

TDC:

I've been comparing Foster to Marcus Allen for years! I feel validated.

UT:

My wife is getting more wound up about this game than I am so far.

Something is seriously wrong here.

Brett:

It means you chose the right girl.

TDC:

Seriously. Arian Foster has 5.6 yards per carry. Makes total sense to line him up wide instead of running or play faking to him on 3rd and 2. Stupid.

Rivers:

If Kubiak had called this first half any more conservatively, he'd be on Fox and Friends on Monday.

Brett:

Throw. It. To. Andre.

Half Time:

Brett:

So I predicted Daniels having a huge game...I think I may have underestimated the numbers a bit though. First half: 7 receptions for 73 yards.

Vega:

My wife's half time analysis: How come they didn't score more touchdowns?

Brilliant.

Brett:

You can tell your wife "Because Joe Marciano is allergic to success".

TDC:

What no one could've predicted? No A.J. Green. Joseph has done a good job of taking away the deep pass.

Vega:

Agreed. Jo Jo might be first half MVP considering the lack of discussion about him

Third Quarter:

Vega:

First special teams penalty of second half with 15:00 to go in third quarter.

That was the over/under.

Brett:

I mean seriously how the kitten do you get an offsides penalty on a kickoff...

TDC:

Brandon Harris...wow!

Brett:

Damn Harris, not bad.

Vega:

That was the best punt return of the season.

UT:

Have we gone down the rabbit hole?

ST flags on the other team, up is down, left is upside down.

What the hell is going on here?!

Brett:

Foster is so damn fun to watch with the ball.

TDC:

Andre Johnson hasn't been open much, but when he has been...he's wide open.

UT:

Lord, no, don't take Daniels, take me instead!!

UT:

Oh, Arian, you look so nice with the ball in the end zone. Please continue this trend.

KTHXBAI

Vega:

And there's the touchdown. My wife is now happy.

TDC:

Wade's not giving Joseph safety help. What?

Vega:

Oh, that was so close to a fumble!!

Vega:

Bad challenge. They're not going to overturn it.

Brett:

We have a decent shot at winning this. Looked like a fumble to me.

Vega:

Looks like you owe me a beer.

Brett:

You didn't say what kind, so you get a Coors......light.

UT:

Nobody deserves to suffer like that.

Vega:

I'll give it to Tim as payment for my lack of posting. We'll be good.

UT:

Wag that finger, J.J.!

Vega:

Stupid, STUPID penalty by Manning.

TDC:

Johnathan Joseph made me forget why I was cursing at Danieal Manning.

Vega:

Touchdown on this drive would be huge!

Vega (after the first and goal from the 18 play):

Oh, Garrett Graham was so open on that play.

Brett (at exactly the same time):

Also Graham was open on a bench route for a TD there.

Fourth Quarter:

UT:

God I'm getting sick of these field goals.

TDC:

19-10 is a famous score in Texans history. This one ain't making fans as happy as the other one though.

Vega:

That one drive aside, Joseph has been phenomenal against Green.

UT:

Green's slow getting up.

I think whatever birdies he was seeing after getting hit by KJax just got a little bigger after that play.

Rivers:

Joseph has come to play. Barwin has come to play. Arian has come to play. Kubiak is still pants.

TDC:

Barwin's surprising me. Seems to be playing a little bit looser.

UT:

My wife just recognized James Casey by his number alone.

This may be worth vow renewal.

/chants "One of us! One of us!"

Rivers (after DeVier Posey's offensive pass interference):

Russell Wilson would not have pushed off there. #Trolling

Brett:

THAT'S OPI?!

TDC:

Andre Johnson would've gotten away with that. Posey's not gonna get that call.

Vega:

I think if he didn't dip the shoulder, they wouldn't have called it

TDC:

I hate Shiloh Keo. Win or lose, I ragehate him.

UT:

If he makes next year's roster, I will assume he has the same pictures of Kubiak that Marciano has.

Vega:

What a catch by Garrett Graham!

Rivers:

Grown man catch by Garrett Graham.

TDC:

Garrett Graham's catch was majorly impressive.

Brett:

Gary Kubiak victoriously shouting "kitten yeah" is the highlight of my year so far.

Brett:

And now to snort some pixie sticks and get to work on Patriots tape.

Brett:

Oh by the way: Owen Daniels, 9 receptions for 91 yards. I are psychic.

Vega:

UT, according to Google maps, it's 3,191 miles from my house to Seattle, but I've got some Glenfiddich that I'm toasting to your Glenlivet.

UT:

Sounds good to me! Cheers and slainte to ya!

I'm still struggling with the fact that the Texans won by less than a touchdown. It had the feel of one of those games early in the season where the team just dominated the opposition, but the Texans inability to get in the endzone kept the game closer than it should have been.

The penalties and mistakes need to be cleaned up this week because they can be overcome against Cincinnati, but they will be lethal against New England.

Still, the Texans are in the divisional round of the playoffs. All you can ask for at this time of year is to survive another week.

The Texans must cut down on the penalties and still get better offensively. I'm already paranoid about Tom Brady against the Texans man-to-man defense, but you're not going to get to the Super Bowl without facing the best of the best.

But here's the thing -- and there's really no getting around it -- neither Vega nor anyone else writing on these here interwebs has any impact on the way that game plays out.

Bring it on.

Game Balls:

Offense: Arian Foster. This man just seems to love the playoffs. Which works well, because I love Arian Foster when he loves the playoffs.

Defense: Johnathan Joseph. He got beat a few times, but there's not a player in the league that you can put man-on-man against A.J. Green that won't get beat a few times. Joseph played this game better than could have reasonably been expected.

Special Teams: Shayne Graham. 4 for 4 on field goals. We've been hating on him all year, but he did everything you could have asked for tonight. Though I still wish he were only 2 for 2 because there were a few more touchdowns sprinkled in there.