Hair Of The Dog: Solidarity, Brothers!

I've spent the last week fighting a terrible cold. I haven't been able to sleep well, I can't breathe and my chest feels like J.J. Watt mistook it for a forward pass. I've also lost a week of training as I try to prepare for a Ragnar relay in February (it's a 12-person relay from Miami to Key West -- 199 miles).

Yup, it's been a great week. But I must be feeling better, because I've decided that I will watch the Texans game as if it's something that will make me feel better. I'm sure this will end well.

Gameday Meal:

I wanted to do something simple this week as I've been feeling rough, so I went with the beer can chicken. I know it's not fancy or exotic, but it's simple to do and can make for a good dinner.

There are a few things, though, that are necessary for doing this right. First, make sure to get your hand under the skin to get rub up on that breast (no, it's not as fun as it sounds). Second, choose a good beer. If you use Budweiser, you're going to get a Budweiser equivalent bird. Beer is an ingredient like any other, and we all know that not all beers are the same. Don't use Budweiser. My beer of choice is Dale's Pale Ale from the Oskar Blues Brewery. It's a brilliant pale ale which really toes the line of IPA; it's very hoppy. More on it below, but it's my favorite canned beer. Along with the chicken, we made some killer grill bread that I shamelessly stole from Steven Raichlen, who shamelessly stole it form some dude named Bruce Frankel. Of course, since I paid legitimate money for Raichlen's book and since Frankel is from Cambridge, MA (where I spent two years), I feel justified. We also smoked some broccoli (with garlic, olive oil, and lemon juice), which is a super-underrated use of a smoker.

Beer of the Week:

Well, of course, it's Dale's Pale Ale. A common misconception of beer is that canned beers are inferior to bottled beer. Canning actually provides superior protection to bottling, and the idea that it infuses a metallic flavor is a myth. The reason you don't see many canned beers out of craft breweries is because canning equipment is not scaleable, and it's expensive. Most breweries don't brew with enough volume to justify the expense. But canned beer is great for the beach, the golf course, and many other places. Dale's is among the best. As I mentioned above, they call it a "voluminously hopped mutha" of a beer, but I call it an IPA. The clarity is just brilliant and the flavor is big. Next time you feel like a canned beer is the way to go, reach for a Dale's.

Pregame:

TDC:

No whammies, no whammies, no whammies...

Rivers:

SCHAUB!

MDC:

Womp. Womp.

/animated Whammy returns interception for a TD

First Quarter:

Corzo:

Can't believe the Rams didn't defer.

tGC:

Sam Bradford continuing a bad weekend for Oklahoma quarterbacks.

Mbw:

RUN THE BALL

Mbw:

If Schaub throws the ball once this drive I'm going to write a hateful letter to Kubiak

tGC:

Where have you gone, Duane Brown.

tGC:

Stretch zone left on third and long. Sure, why not?

BFD:

Have we had a single RB screen work this year? I can't remember one that did.

Corzo:

Do y'all really want Schaub throwing 25+ yards?

Mbw:

I have no idea what pass INT is anymore.

tGC:

Obvious pass interference is obvious.

Honestly, I think teams could build an entire game plan around throwing deep on us and getting pass interference calls.

Mbw:

I thought that call was horrendous

tGC (after the Rams' first TD):

Thank god we have an awesome defense to bail us out.

Who's with me?

UT:

I like turtles.

UT:

I've learned whenever Derek Newton is on TV only sadness can follow.

TDC:

He held a defensive back. A defensive back. A 300-plus pound man couldn't block a 180-pound DB.

tGC:

Looking ok now. Who's ready for a pick six?

Corzo:

How about a fumble? I'm gonna vomit.

TDC:

No team beats themselves like the Houston Texans.

Rivers:

So, back to a familiar refrain.

Guys, this isn't a good football team.

Second Quarter:

Mbw:

I thought they would walk through the division and lose in the divisional round. My idea that they could win a Super Bowl wen up in flames when I thought, "Could Schaub win 4 games in a row against top teams?" The answer is an easy NOOOOOOOOOOOO.

UT:

Sigh...cosigned.

Question: With the expectations surrounding this team by both fans and, presumably, Bob McNair, does a sub-.500 season torpedo Kubiak? If so, how far below .500 do you think the team would have to be?

Mbw:

Kubiak and Schaub are both done if they don't make the playoffs.

TDC:

Schaub, yes, but Kubiak.....don't underestimate the loyalty of Bob McNair.

tGC:

I would be surprised if Kubiak got canned unless we only win five games this year.

Schaub is done after this year.

Mbw:

Arian Foster is really good at running with a football in his hands.

I hope Houston signs Capers as head coach again and drafts baby Carr in the offseason.

Corzo:

The backside LBs are chasing after Schaub expecting the PA and Foster is making them pay.

Brett:

I despise Derek Newton with every fiber of my being.

Rivers:

OK, I know we all think Kubiak will stay unless the season really blows up.

Give me one compelling reason to keep him. One.

TDC:

Don't look at me. I voted for Kodos (I got nothing).

UT:

He has a snappy haircut you can set your watch to.

Beyond that, I've got nothing.

Mbw:

The only reason I can think of is longevity.

Which is the worst reason to continue doing something.

tGC:

Let's take that question one step further: who would (realistically) replace him?

UT:

Seahawks OC Darrell Bevell will probably be on some teams' radars.

His offense has a lot of similarities to Kubiak's, and I think he's more willing to gamble than Kubiak.

Author's Note: Homer.

Rivers:

I dunno. Kevin Sumlin?

Author's Note: Troll.

tGC:

We suck. I keep waiting for us to flip the suck switch to "off" and I'm starting to realize that they'd no such thing. We just suck.

Mbw (after the Rams' second TD):

That's the ball game already.

Corzo:

Schaub with a 41 yard strike to Arian Foster.

Mbw:

I think a flutter is a better word.

tGC:

Remember the good old days when we thought our biggest problem was our kicker?

UT:

/Channels Jean Stapleton

Those were the daaaaaaaaaaaaaays...

MDC:

I like the fact that you went Edith instead of Archie.

UT:

Her voice was funny.

I respect that.

Halftime:

tGC:

Dear Texans,

Please stop sucking.

Sincerely,

Me

Third Quarter:

Vega:

Fox just did the "you need to win this game because look at how the probability of making the playoffs drops if you're 2-4." I want to stab myself.

Vega:

Look, another 5 yard pass on 3rd and long. This is Kubiak changing things up from the draw play.

Mbw:

Here commmmesssss KEO

Vega:

I think I prefer the pick-six. It's quicker than this crappy defense thing.

tGC:

I seriously feel like Frank Bush is our defensive coordinator.

Mbw:

There's KEO

UT:

I think I've gone beyond being pissed to the point where it has short circuited my brain and all I can do is watch without thought or emotion.

tGC:

Leaving a six-yard cushion when the ball's on the five yard line is soooo totally Frank Bush.

UT:

This whole damn season so far has been a redux of 2010.

Vega (after the kickoff returned for a fumble for a touchdown):

I've been staring at the screen for a bit thinking of what to write. There's just nothing left to say anymore.

Rivers:

Throw the Kubes down the well .... so our country can be free....

tGC:

Think about how much more embarrassing this would be if it weren't for Arian.

TDC (after Schaub's injury):

Cheering Schaub being hurt. Disgusting. Those are Texans fans.

UT:

They're cheering?

Ugh, I hate Texans fans sometimes.

tGC (after the Schaub T.J. Yates pick-six):

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Mbw:

I'm so glad that happened.

Vega:

Well, I guess we've answered that question.

tGC:

So that's a pretty big argument for the notion that our offense is predictable.

UT:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH, AT LEAST IT WASN'T SCHAUB THIS TIME!

PULL OUT TJ YATES, PUT IN CASE KEENUM!!!!

I THINK I'VE LOST MY KITTENING MIND!!!!

Fourth Quarter:

Vega:

Can someone please tell me why Foster and Andre are still in this game? That's the one thing that can still get legitimately fucked up

Mbw:

Chances Kubiak gets canned at the bye and Wade is made HC?

MDC:

0%

UT:

Nil to virtually nil.

tGC:

I remember the days when I could be happy.

Now life is pain.

UT:

Another interception?

Ladies and gentlemen, T.J. "Monkeypaw" Yates!

Vega:

I think we should treat the rest of the season as an anti-Lent. I'm going to drink twice as much until it's over.

Vega:

Why challenge this? Don't you want it to be over?

Rivers:

Hey now, we're only like 13 field goals away. We can do this.

Vega:

Brian Cushing should start a fight. That's what hockey would do.

TDC:

Hockey's always the answer. YES!

Before this game started, I thought there would be one of two outcomes. Either Schaub would play well and the Texans would win -- in which case, the debate over him and Yates would rage on -- or he would crap the bed and put an end to it.

What I did not see coming was a scenario where Schaub would play well, but the rest of the team would crap the bed, then Schaub would get hurt and Yates would throw a 98-yard pick six and another interception.

When all is said and done, the Texans somehow set a new low, but somehow Schaub may have actually passed the "Public Enemy #1" dunce cap off.

Say what you will about these Texans, but they're hardly boring. Not like those Broncos.

Game Balls:

None.

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