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Battle Red Onion: Texans Quarterback Diagnosed with Career-Threatening Illness

Things seem to only be getting worse for Matt Schaub. But his troubles may be part of a bigger concern.

Is the stadium spinning around or is it just me?
Is the stadium spinning around or is it just me?
Thomas B. Shea

With the Texans suffering yet another gut-wrenching loss, the last thing the team needed was more bad news coming down the pike. Unfortunately, that's exactly what they got.

After a highly secretive physician's consultation late Sunday evening, news is beginning to leak out that Houston Texans starting quarterback Matt Schaub has been diagnosed with a rare, almost unheard of, malady that could spell the end of his playing career.

"After several tests, I feel confident in my diagnosis," said Dr. Franz Q. Skratch-Unsniv III in a press conference Monday afternoon. "Herr Schaub has an acute case of coccobacillus mittenseii."

Coccobacillus mittenseii, or "Carr Syndrome," is a disease, according to the "Little Boys' Guide to Horrific Diseases," that is transmitted only during periods of high intensity or excitement, such as during a football game.

"He seems to exhibit all the classic symptoms of C. mittenseii," continued Dr. Skratch-Unsniv. "He has moments of extreme panic in short bursts. His judgment becomes severely impaired, and his impulse control during these fits is virtually non-existent."

Skratch-Unsniv declined to identify who specifically was responsible for infecting Schaub, but did add that "C. mittenseii is highly contagious and is often carried by offensive linemen who may not show outward signs of the disease." He also suggested that all the offensive linemen be tested for the disease and those who test positive should be cut immediately, regardless of how big the cap hit may be.

Both Derek Newton and Wade Smith, clad in Groucho-style glasses, were asked to comment on the story but declined by way of comically unconvincing accents.

The good news for Texans fans is that the disease is highly unlikely to spread beyond the football field as the seats are raised quite high above the stands and bacteria, generally, cannot jump very high. However that has not stopped certain Texans fans from going to football games prepared for the worst.

"I'm not taking no chances," said one fan through a surgical mask, holding similarly masked children close-by. "I don't want whatever's got Schaub screwing things up to get to me or my family. Besides, I don't want anyone knowing I'm actually a fan of this team. I've got my rep to protect, you know."

Some fans are taking their concern to the extreme. As word came out that Schaub was diagnosed with Carr Syndrome, some fans decided to take their $200 replica Schaub jerseys, pile them up and light them ablaze in a bonfire reminiscent of the Great Plague that swept through Europe in the 14th century.

"This kills two birds with one stone for me," said one fan excitedly as he flung his Schaub jersey into the blaze. "I'm so friggin' pissed with Schaub that I wanted to burn something I spent good money on in a pointless act of outrage. And since Schaub's jersey obviously has his super-cooties or whatever on them, burning it will prevent others from getting sick! It's win-win baby!"

"He's been fighting pretty hard against this problem," said Coach Kubiak after learning of Skratch-Unsniv's diagnosis. "Now he's just going to have to fight even harder. I feel terrible for him."

The big question on everybody's mind is whether Schaub will remain under center for the Texans during their tilt on Sunday night against San Francisco. Coach Kubiak offered some enlightenment on the subject.

"No, I have no plans to replace Matty at this time." When asked why specifically, he stated, "First of all, because I'm not a moron. Matty-boy gives us our best chance to win in every game, and I'd be a fool to pull him for [T.J. Yates] or [Case Keenum]. Besides, even if I did, there's no guarantee that either of those two backups wouldn't come down with C. mitt--C. mitten...coming down with Carr Syndrome, and then all three of my QBs would be impaired. Near as I can tell, it's safer to limit the contagion to one guy rather than expose others to the same problem."

There has been discussion about holding a fundraiser to help find a cure for Carr Syndrome. As yet plans have not been announced, but said event is unlikely to occur before the Texans face Colin Kaepernick, Douchebag Harbaugh and the Niners on Sunday night.

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