Hair Of The Dog: No Woman, No Bye

So last Monday, I was out for a run, and about a mile from my house I ran through a swarm of bees. I ended up in a dead sprint flailing my arms around. I ran to a lady in a pickup truck coming out of a community and screamed at her for help, whereupon I quickly learned that a sweaty, screaming me does not inspire the "Good Samaritan" spirit in others. She gunned the truck -- clearly the scariest thing to happen to her this Halloween season -- and left me standing in my misery.

I quickly kicked it into gear and sprinted back toward my house with a large number of bee asses hanging off me. All in all, I managed to get through it with only five bee stings: 3 in the arm and two in my right ear. That's right; those mother kittens stung me in the kittening ear.

Anyway, this has nothing to do with football, but I've never been stung by a bee before, and never realized how badly it really sucked. Especially in the ear.

On to the Dog.

tGC:

AFN is showing the Dallas game and Miami-New England.

The loser? Humanity.

UT:

At least you don't have to put up with the melodic drone of Dan Dierdorf. Honestly, they could replace him with static and I'd be more informed than I would be with Dierdorf.

TDC:

Clock hasn't even started moving and the Lions already have a penalty. Classic Detroit football.

BFD:

Thad Lewis = dead on the first play from scrimmage. This portends well...for the Saints D.

UT:

I think I've solved the mystery of where all the Jags fans are. They're in London! That or it's the most elaborate troll job in NFL history.

Corzo:

I'm watching DET/DAL.

Makes the lady happen to see Detroit on TV.

Corzo:

makes the lady happy* rather but happen works, too.

BFD:

The Jags are just excited to be playing a home game in front of a crowd.

Vega:

Do they have euro-tarps?

UT:

Buffalo is determined to match New Orleans, missed field goal for missed field goal.

TDC:

Dallas/Detroit is the defensive battle everyone expected. Time to change to NE/MIA

TDC:

OF COURSE, Calvin catches an 87 yard pass AFTER I change the channel. FKS...

UT:

I think Lance Moore is having a stroke in the end zone.

Corzo:

Detroit just went for it on 4th down at the Dallas 3-yard-line. Slant route to Calvin Johnson for the TD.

Take note, Houston!

TDC:

Psh, it's so obvious that Houston would throw to Andre Johnson in the red zone that Gary counters that with less-obvious runs. STRATEGICAL MUTHAKITTEN GENIUS!

UT:

Leodis McKelvin down for Buffalo. The Bills are dropping like Texans

TDC:

Houston's going to really have to crap the bed to outtank Jacksonville.

UT:

Garrett Hartley doing his best Randy Bullock impression in Nola.

TDC:

Miami's up 14-0, which just means we're set up for an epic Tommy Brady comeback win.

UT:

Depressing stat of the week:

TDC:

Jacksonville getting mauled. Call off the dogs, Jim! CALL THEM OFF!

UT:

Harbaugh: "Call on the dogs?! Okay! Let's hang 50 on these poor bastards."

BFD:

In his first four possessions as a pro, Matt Barkley has turned the ball over.

UT:

The sideline reporter in the SF/JAX game is wearing one of those big ass hats that the Queen wears.

I kittening get it! You're in London!

BFD:

The crowd goes wild when the Jags do something. Anything.

They know. The Brits know.

Tim:

Glover Quin just went all Ed Reed on Terrance Williams.

UT:

The Giants long snapper apparently thinks the punter is somewhere in the vicinity of Jupiter.

BFD:

Oh Cokeboys, you bring so much joy to my life.

Corzo:

Matthew Stafford was screaming at the top of his lungs to clock it, then he QB sneaks it himself.

BALLS OF STEALING THE GAME AWAY

TDC:

Pryor really ran 93 yards? FOR REAL??

Vega:

TDC:

Dolphins remind me of the Texans from a few years back. If Tom Brady ever retires, they'll be in good position for a 2-year reign as division champs before Jameis Winston leads the Pats back to the promised land.

Vega:

Don't do that. I've got a raging case of Winston Wood right now. Let me at least envision him going to a team I like before you crush my dreams.

BFD:

Andre Ellington, Danny? Really??? FKS.

TDC:

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! ANDRE ELLINGTON!!!!!!!!!! I'm a fantasy wizard!

TDC:

We could live in a world where the Chiefs are 2 games up on the Broncos. The Chiefs. The Chiefs.

Not much to follow up on, but it really does make for a more relaxing weekend when the Texans aren't playing. Odd.

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