The Captain's Log - Bye Week: "Dry Dock"

The bye week review of the Texans' first seven games of 2013.

By Capt Ron Oct 29, 2013, 11:06pm CDT

"Hey! Somebody mounted a BBQ pit on this thing!"

Captain's Log - Supplemental:

Well folks, we transited the first half of the season and bye week in a much different way than anyone could have ever imagined. In that time, the Texans lost their starting quarterback & offensive captain Matt Schaub, best linebacker & defensive captain Brian Cushing, starting tight end Owen Daniels, and starting strong safety Danieal Manning. Owen Daniels is designated to return if healthy, and Matt Schaub may or may not return under center. Arian Foster has a lingering hamstring issue and Ben Tate is healing up after suffering four broken ribs in the loss to the Chiefs. Duane Brown has turf toe, and the rest of the line is "nicked up" in various ways. Unfortunately, Derek Newton is still in the lineup and living up to his "Hologram" nickname anytime [insert Texans' QB of the week] drops back for a pass.

Tim Dobbins, Cierre Wood, Sam Montgomery, and Willie Jefferson were all ejected from the roster after Game Seven heading into the bye week. I don't remember a purge of this nature in Texans history.

Former Oilers coach Bum Phillips passed away at the age of 90 during Week SEven. Luv Ya Blue!

Titans owner, and former Oilers owner, Bud Adams passed away three days after Bum, also at the age of 90.

Coach Kubiak and staff are battling for their jobs at this point as the Texans sit at 2-5 while preparing for the Colts going into Game Eight this Sunday night. The phrase "hanging by a thread" fits all too well for this organization, and the shattered hopes and dreams of Texans fans lingers along for yet another season. It's always "next year" or "one more good draft and we'll have a sure thing", but I wonder if enough is enough at this point for owner Bob McNair to pull the plug and reload. Kubiak may survive due to the massive injury impact, but the jury is likely out until January. If ever there was a game to turn things around for a wild finish to the season, it is this Sunday night when Indy visits Reliant. If the Texans lose this game to the Colts, the playoffs are all but out of reach. Wild card teams will probably come from the AFC West (Chiefs / Broncos) and East (Patriots / Dolphins). To get into the playoffs, the Texans will have to win the AFC South and that starts by defeating the Colts.

Certainly there are those who would suggest that it is futile to even try and win, as this team has little chance to compete for a championship with so many key players injured. Why screw up a good draft position by winning a handful of games and losing others to wrap up 2013 with an average record? We know this organization won't just lay down as other owners and teams in this division do to get their guy in the first round, but there is something to be said about writing off a bad situation and getting a top five pick.

However the next half of the season unfolds, Texans fans will be watching a very different team on the field than the one that came out of camp this summer. There is a common understanding that the NFL stands for "Not For Long". Typically this defines the changes that happen over the course of a full season, or a few brief years, for individual players and coaches. The Texans found a way to apply that phrase to a matter of weeks! Anyway, many of us will endure and be here each game because we love football and we love the Texans come rain or shine. It's what we do as fans living in Houston. We endure. Someday we'll be rewarded with a championship football team. Someday. While the odds are indeed slim, there is still that chance to bounce and turn the season around. There is a lot of football left to play, and surely there will be some excitement to cheer about. Yeah, I know, "Don't call me Shirley."

There was no Battle Red football to chronicle last week, so instead we'll look back and see how the Captain's Log unfolded in summary form. Grab your favorite cold beverage and chug as you lament the recent carnage. Hey, cheer up! At least we're not the Jags or Bucs. On that note, what happened to the Falcons? Just like the Texans, they are 2-5 and stunned.

Around the AFC South...

The Colts enjoyed a well-earned bye week after defeating the Broncos, Seahawks, 49ers, Jaguars and Raiders to open their season 5-2. Their two losses were to the Chargers and Dolphins. The division leader now prepares to come to Houston where local hometown Stratford H.S. hero QB Andrew Luck will face off against hometown University of Houston hero QB Case Keenum.

The Titans are ranked second in the division with a 3-4 record and enjoyed a bye week after defeating the Steelers, Chargers and Jets. They lost to the Texans, Chiefs, Seahawks and 49ers. They now prepare to go on the road and face the Rams.

The Jaguars remain without a win this season. Last week they took their circus on the road to the UK, where the 49ers punched them down 42-10 in front of a London crowd. They will be on their bye week next and were assured that they can't lose despite attempts in Vegas to set up proposition bets against them anyway. Along the way, they lost to the Chiefs, Raiders, Seahawks, Colts, Rams, Broncos, Chargers and 49ers. After the bye week, they will head to Tennessee and assume the position.

Texans' Current Injured Reserve List

WR Alan Bonner
CB A.J. Bouye
LB Brian Cushing
WR Alec Lemon
S Danieal Manning
OT David Quessenberry
OT Brennan Williams
LB Trevardo Williams
TE Owen Daniels (Designated to Return)

Current Practice Squad

DE Keith Browner
WR Andy Cruse
G Alex Kupper
T Nate Menkin
WR Uzoma Nwachukwu
TE Nathan Overbay
CB Josh Victorian

Players Signed to Texans' Active Roster (bye week)

RB Dennis Johnson
RB Deji Karim
RB Ray Graham (signed off Texans practice squad)
LB Tavares Gooden
LB Jeff Tarpinian

Sick Bay Review...

Pre-Season:

"What am I, a doctor or a moon shuttle conductor?"

WR Alec Lemon - I/R
WR Alan Bonner - I/R
OT Brennan Williams - I/R
LB Trevardo Williams - I/R

Game 1:

"I'm a doctor, not some Gaslamp District saloon proprietor!"

LB Darryl Sharpton - Concussion
S Ed Reed - Precautionary (hip recovery)

Game 2:

"I'm a doctor dammit, not some ridiculous mythology professor. What the hell is a Titan anyway?!!!"

WR Andre Johnson - Concussion
OT Duane Brown - Sprained Toe

Game 3:

"I'm a doctor, not a prison warden!"

WR Andre Johnson - Shin Bruise
OT Duane Brown - Turf Toe (Out)

Game 4:

"I'm a doctor dammit, not a mystical quarterback whisperer!"

LB Brian Cushing - Concussion
OT Duane Brown - Turf Toe

Game 5:

"I'm a doctor dammit, not a riot control supervisor!"

OG Brandon Brooks - Knee (Out)
TE Owen Daniels - Fractured Fibula, out 8 weeks (I/R Designated to Return)
WR Keyshawn Martin - Shoulder
RB Ben Tate - Bruised Elbow

Game 6:

"I'm a doctor, not a goat rodeo clown!"

S Danieal Manning - "Hyperextended Knee" Out for the season on I/R
CB A.J. Bouye - "Hamstring" Out for the season on I/R
QB Matt Schaub - "Torn Ligaments" Leg and Ankle

Game 7:

"I'm a doctor, not a team hotel chaperone!"

RB Arian Foster - Hamstring (TBD)
LB Brian Cushing - Torn LCL and Broken Fibula - I/R
RB Ben Tate - 4 Broken Ribs (TBD)
OT Duane Brown - Ankle (Day to Day)

Movie Quotes Review...

Pre-Season: "Tombstone"

"Why Kate, you're not wearing a bustle. How lewd."

Game 1: "Airplane"

"It was a rough place - the seediest dive on the wharf. Populated with every reject and cutthroat from Bombay to Calcutta. It's worse than Detroit."

Game 2: "City Slickers"

"Value this time in your life kids, because this is the time in your life when you still have your choices, and it goes by so quickly. When you're a teenager you think you can do anything, and you do. Your twenties are a blur. Your thirties, you raise your family, you make a little money and you think to yourself, "What happened to my twenties?" Your forties, you grow a little pot belly, you grow another chin. The music starts to get too loud and one of your old girlfriends from high school becomes a grandmother. Your fifties, you have a minor surgery. You'll call it a procedure, but it's a surgery.

Your sixties, you have a major surgery, the music is still loud but it doesn't matter because you can't hear it anyway. Seventies, you and the wife retire to Fort Lauderdale, you start eating dinner at two, lunch around ten, breakfast the night before. And you spend most of your time wandering around malls looking for the ultimate in soft yogurt and muttering "how come the kids don't call?" By your eighties, you've had a major stroke, and you end up babbling to some Jamaican nurse who your wife can't stand but who you call mama. Any questions?"

Game 3: "Smokey and the Bandit"

"There is no way, NO WAY, that you came from my loins. Soon as I get home, first thing I'm gonna do is punch yo mamma in da' mouth!"

Game 4: "Good Morning Vietnam"

"Excuse me, sir. Seeing as how the V.P. is such a V.I.P., shouldn't we keep the P.C. on the Q.T.? 'Cause if it leaks to the V.C. he could end up M.I.A., and then we'd all be put out in K.P."

Game 5: "Vegas Vacation"

"I haven't seen a beatin' like that since somebody stuck a banana in my pants and turned a monkey loose!"

Game 6: "Space Balls"

"You listen. On this ship, you're to refer to me as 'idiot', not 'you captain'. I mean, you know what I mean."

Game 7: "A Fish Called Wanda"

"I looked at the clock... because I was saying to myself... It's five to seven, where could he be going with that sawed off shotgun?"

Bravo Zulu Awards

(Bravo Zulu is a naval signal, conveyed by flag hoist or vocal, meaning "Well Done")

Game 1:

Brian Cushing - 4 tackles, 1 Assist, and 1 Interception returned for a Touchdown.
Randy Bullock - 4 PATs, and the game winning FG in his first NFL start.

Game 2:

DeAndre Hopkins - 7 receptions, 117 yards (16.7 avg) 1 TD.
Brian Cushing - 2 Sacks, 11 Tackles (3 for a loss).
Shane Lechler - 7 punts, 48.3 AVG, 61 LONG, 1 Touchback.

Game 3: JJ Watt - 9 tackles, 3 tackles for a loss, and 1 sack.

Game 4: Whitney Mercilus - 2.5 sacks, 4 tackles and two assists.

Game 5: Brandon Brooks - For not participating in this disaster and being "out".

Game 6: Arian Foster - Racked up 98 yards rushing in the first half. He finished the day with 141 rushing yards, and 57 receiving yards, totaling 198 yards from scrimmage.

Game 7: Case Keenum - 15/25, 271 yards, 1 TD, ZERO Interceptions and 110 Passer Rating.

Ship's Galley Review...

Pre-Season: Shrimp & Grits

Game 1: Stuffed Jalapenos

Game 2: Crab Cakes

Game 3: Cedar Plank Salmon

Game 4: Beer Can Chicken

Game 5: Chicken Tortilla Soup

Game 6: Oktoberfest Bratwurst

Game 7: Kansas City BBQ Ribs

Stories From The Brig...

Pre-Season: Antonio Smith - Suspended for swinging helmet at Dolphins OG Richie Incognito.

Pre-Season: A.J. Bouye - Flagged for unsportsmanlike conduct for celebrating on the Dallas Cowboys logo at midfield.

Game 1: Lestar Jean & Brice McCain - Terrible, just terrible, performances and penalties.

Game 2:

Texans CB Kareem Jackson - Illegal hit on Titans WR Kendall Wright - Defenseless receiver head shot (flagged). FINED: $42K
Titans S Bernard Pollard - Illegal hit on Texans WR Andre Johnson - Defenseless receiver head shot (unflagged). FINED: $42K
Titans OL Rob Turner - Illegal hit on Texans DE JJ Watt - Peel Back Block at knees (flagged). FINED: $10K
Titans RB Jackie Battle - Illegal hit on Texans S Danieal Manning - RB lowering crown of helmet (unflagged). FINED: $21K

Game 3: Coaches Kubiak, Dennison, Benton, Marciano and players Schaub, Newton, Keo, J. Joseph, Braman - The implosion begins for this pre-season AFC Juggernaut.

Game 4: Kubiak, Schaub, Tate, Pleasant, K. Jackson - Terrible performances all around.

Game 5: Kubiak and Schaub - 4th consecutive game with a "Pick 6".

Game 6:

D. Hopkins fumble resulted in a Field Goal. Rookie mistake, cost them 3 points.
K. Martin fumble on Kickoff return (returned for Touchdown), cost them 7 points.
T.J. Yates Interception (Rams 2 yard line) returned for a Touchdown. Another 7 points.
T.J. Yates Interception at the Rams 15 yard line killing another Texans drive.
T.J. Yates fumbles, recovered by Ben Jones and finally ending this miserable game.

Game 7: Coach Marciano, and players Newton, McCain, and Ed Reed all contributed to the loss.

Ed Reed was faked out by Alex Smith on the goal line as Alex pretended to hand off to the girlfriend of Manti Te'o before jogging through a 12 foot wide cavern for a touchdown. #Bamboozled

Relieved of Duty and Jettisoned from the Texans Roster:

DE Sam Montgomery - The third round draft pick didn't make the most of his opportunity. What a wasted pick.
OLB Willie Jefferson - So much potential, yet something must have gone very wrong.
RB Cierre Wood - This left Ben Tate and Greg Jones to pull the sled and my have cost us this game.
LB Tim Dobbins - Tim Allen once had a great home improvement TV show, and perhaps it's time for Tim Dobbins to do the same since he preferred home improvement to OTAs. He's no longer a Texan after 7 games.

A Review of the Captain's Log Entries...

Pre-Season Game 4: "The Point of No Return"

Game 1: "Conquering the Maelstrom"

Game 2: "The NUK-lear Option"

Game 3: "Fear, Flags and Floggings"

Game 4: "Ocho Fuego"

Game 5: "The Saboteur"

Game 6: "Collapse Depth"

Game 7: "The Abyss"

On The Horizon...

The next game will be at Reliant Stadium against the AFC South Division leading Indianapolis Colts on the national stage of "Sunday Night Football" November 3rd at 7:30PM CDT.