Hair Of The Dog (Texans v. 49ers): Numb

I spent the weekend at Disney World with the family for my niece's ninth birthday which, conveniently, coincides with the EPCOT Food and Wine Festival. This is our seventh consecutive year going to the Food and Wine festival and we've developed a bit of a strategy.

See, we're a family with a tremendous passion for food and drink and we realized quickly that we really needed to find a way to maximize our exposure the various dishes and alcoholic beverages. So our strategy is to make multiple loops around the various tents, skip a number of the intriguing ones, and then hit those on subsequent trips.

The bright side is that we get to experience a world of different cuisines, but the downside is that it becomes a marathon of sorts. We started the experience with 10 of us, but by the end of the day, it was just my dad and I left.

I guess another downside is that as a result there is no gameday meal or beer of the week. I will, however, regale you with tales of the best dish of the night and the best drink.

The best dish was from the Canadian booth (and if you know me, you know that it must have been good for me to give Canada props... we've had our issues). It was a trout in a maple vinaigrette with bacon. It was a fantastic mix of sweet, salty, and acid on a wonderfully seared fish. Just brilliant.

From a drink perspective, they really don't get too much variety there, but the Leffe Brune was a great dark beer that I haven't had for a while. Still, top honors go to the 18 year Glenfiddich because, well, because it's an 18 year Glenfiddich.

The other downside is that I'm completely worn out before this game even starts.

What do we think the chances are that the Texans pick me up?

Pregame:

Vega:

I just got back from two days at the Epcot Food and Wine festival, and I've got the energy level of a Kubiak presser. The odds of my staying up for this game are about the same as the odds of the Texans not disappointing me.

UT:

I'll start this off. Colin Kaepernick: Great Gazoo or the tallest hobbit ever?

BFD:

Seriously, what asshole thinks these long musical intros into football games are cool?

First Quarter:

TDC (after the Schaub pick six):

I can't believe it.

UT:

Let the rioting begin.

D_more:

GOOOOOOOoOOOOOOODDDDDDD LLLLLLLOOOORD

D_more:

Schaub pulls out his phone, deletes his twitter again.

TDC:

Brock sat on the route. It's the same 3rd down route Houston runs.

UT:

So on a more serious note, how much of this is on Kubiak and how much is on Schaub?

I mean Schaub's pulling the trigger, but Kubiak hasn't changed up jack kitten, either.

MDC:

Kubiak still employs Joe Marciano. Not changing jack kitten is a feature, not a bug.

Vega (after Bullock's missed FG):

Well, there's a kittening start for you

TDC:

Randy Bullock is not a NFL kicker. He just isn't.

MDC:

Well, it's not like there were other, better kickers available when we picked him....

Brett:

I'm late to this email chain. I just want to add that I hate life, and I wish I was not at work so I could empty all of my fridge's supply of alcohol into my body.

Rivers:

Kubiak hasn't fixed his system to best manage Matt Schaub's lack of arm strength.Probably because there is no way to manage that.Also how shocked are you, on a scale of 1-10, that Jim Harbaugh with an extra weekend to prepare is tactically pantsing Kubiak? Negative 79?

UT:

I can't really put a number to it, but I'm pretty sure it's in the negative triple digits.

BFD (after the 49ers' second TD):

The only way this game could be more ugly would be if I was greased down on the field by Tom Arnold and Roseanne Barr in a naked, frolicking threesome.

Vega:

I'm hungover, exhausted, and miserable. I'm tempted to join Campbell in boycotting the Texans until Schaub and Kubiak re-enact the final scene of Reservoir Dogs.

Mbw:

I'm watching the WNBA finals instead. Go LyNx!

Second Quarter:

Corzo:

I'll say this: there's never much panic from the Texans.

BFD:

I'll take professionalism over panic every time. It's one of the few things I like about this team.

Rivers:

They can put that on Gary's AFC South banners.

BFD:

Those aspects are unrelated. The offense sucks because everyone has figured it out. And Schaub.

Vega:

Shiloh Keo is returning punts. I'm starting to wonder if Kubiak really would rather be doing something else, but is too proud to actually resign.

Vega:

I like the pace of this game. I'm really looking forward to going to sleep.

Brett (after Schaub's second INT):

#TahjBoyd2014

UT:

Well...it wasn't a pick six at least!!

On a completely unrelated thought, what are the odds that Houston burns down in the riots that follow this game?

Corzo:

It's the same... damn... curl routes. That was yet another pick six waiting to happen.

Brett:

I seriously don't even care anymore. I just want the pain to go away. Make this stop.

BFD:

They're jumping routes like they're in the huddle.

This is the end of Kubiak. Right here. Right now.

BFD (after Martin returned the kickoff ALL THE WAY TO THE 9!!)

#FireMarciano

Vega

I've come to peace with the season early this year.

UT:

I have stared into the abyss and saw the oblivion that is this season.

BFD:

It's time to pull the goalie.

Brett:

I highly doubt Kubes pulls him. TJ isn't any better, and neither is Keenum.

BFD (somehow bring the freaking Avalanche into the discussion):

In general, I agree. But even Patrick Roy was pulled, and I don't think Schaub can help this team tonight.

Vega:

Silver lining: There's at least a 35% chance that Watt kills Kubiak at halftime and becomes a player coach.

Brett:

Any every offensive play would just be throwing it to him for a touchdown.

Corzo:

The players are mad at the ref for fumbling the resetting of the ball with 8 seconds left... probably just spared us the horror of another turnover before halftime

Halftime:

Silence... I hope everyone's ok.

Third Quarter:

BFD:

Recommence the Sado-Masochism!

UT:

Let me just get my copy of "Nihilism and You" and then we can resume.

Vega:

At the end of the day, regardless of how terrible the Texans are playing, at least we still get to watch J.J. Watt.

BFD:

Watt is quickly catching up with Robert Brazile as my favorite defensive player of all time.

Vega:

When Andre Johnson gets elected to the Hall of Fame some day, his acceptance speech should be him walking to the podium, holding up a #8 jersey, dropping it, and then walking off stage.

UT (after the Bullock FG):

HOT DAMN IT'S NOT A SHUTOUT ANYMORE!!

BFD:

It's a dry hump?

UT:

I think a dry hump is too much for the Texans to hope for at this point.

Vega:

According to Advanced NFL Stats, kicking that FG actually decreased our win probability by 1%.

D_more:

So Bouye failed to block the lone gunner while holding him, and Martin failed to shake the lone gunner. great.

Rivers:

Apparently there's another quarter of this. I don't know why.

Fourth Quarter

UT:

I have fried catfish and gumbo waiting for me in the fridge, and I can't eat it. This goddamn game has made me lose my appetite.

D_more:

TAFOYA: Yates put on his helmet & got some pats on the back from teammates. Taking snaps on the sideline from Chris Myers

Vega:

Yates is in. Who gives a kitten?

UT:

Hey,at least Schaub's not the only one with a turnover now.

UT:

As awful as he's been playing, I still feel terrible for Matt Schaub. He's going to go through about seven different layers of hell when he gets back to Houston.

Rivers:

No he won't. There aren't going to be riots. A bunch of dumb people are going to light jerseys on fire. Whatever.

UT:

I know. Still I feel bad.

BFD:

Why in the kitten is Arian Foster still in?

And that's pretty much it. This game has officially broken your BRB staff. There's not really much to say. I'm sure the players are still trying hard, but there is this perception of looming disaster hovering over the team right now that is simply dominating the narrative.

Whether this is the moment that ultimately leads to change depends on whether the decision share the opinion of the fan base that there is little chance of a turnaround. Gary Kubiak has been at the helm for eight years now, and while he's taken the team to the playoffs and built them to be consistently competitive (let's not forget the Capers years), the Texans have peaked under his guidance.

No game balls for this one.

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