Hair Of The Dog: Bringing Up The Rear (Texans v. Jaguars)

Normally in this space, I try to put something witty about the upcoming game. I figure it's my last chance to say something positive before I undoubtedly become disappointed.

It's getting tough. I realized yesterday that between the Texans and my beloved Northwestern Wildcats, I have not witnessed one of my teams win a game since September 21, 2013. That's over two months ago. Sometimes I wonder why I still watch. Surely, I'd be happier mowing the lawn, or punching myself in the face, or pulling out my leg hairs one by one.

Yet, here we are (and I say we, because if you're reading this you're as messed up as I am). Our addiction continues.

We should all be in rehab.

Pregame:

BFD:

Kitten Jason Babin in his kittening kitten.

First Quarter:

Mbw:

Brandon Harris got his tits lit on that one.

UT:

So I've spent the last 40 minutes racing around the greater Seattle area trying to find a new place to watch the Texans game (since a pipe burst at my usual watering hole) and found myself at a Buffalo Wild Wings...and THIS is what I arrive to see?

Oh well, at least I've got Buffalo Wild Wings to console me.

Mbw:

Yay, the fun has already started.

Henne is going to throw for 400 yards today.

BFD:

#Tank4Teddy

Mbw:

Keshawn Martin still hasn't learned not to bring the ball 8 yards out of the end zone.

UT:

Joe Marciano is his coach, it's a wonder he still knows to go FORWARD in the end zone.

Captain Ron:

The Texans should rename the defensive backs from "Secondary" to "Tertiary."

UT:

So the only way we're going to advance the ball is through penalties, huh?

That must be the wheels actually coming OFF this train.

Mbw:

Did you know Derek Newton sucks?

Captain Ron:

So should we rename him from "Hologram" to "Mega Maid?" If so, when does he go from suck to blow?

UT:

Well what do you expect from the Lulzsecondary?

Captain Ron:

"Attention ladies and gentlemen, the Texans are playing worse than the Jaguars." /drops microphone

UT:

To borrow from John Paul Jones, "They have not yet begun to suck."

UT:

And JJo is hurt. Hark, doth mine ears detect the sound of another wheel falling off?

Mbw:

Of course Joseph is hurt.

Where is Roc Carmichael when you need him?

Captain Ron:

It is either the sound of another wheel coming off, or a leash dragging behind the bus. The little guy was probably trying to keep up for the first mile or two...

Mbw:

Hopefully Keenum stops playing like ass and throws some bombs to Andre Johnson.

Second Quarter:

Mbw:

This pass rush thing is weird to witness.

UT:

A short pass on third and 25? Is Kubiak calling BOTH offenses?

Captain Ron:

Mercilus is not wanting the Texans to draft Barr or Clowney, so he finally woke up and is tipping the scales toward a Teddy pick

BFD:

#JoeMarGameBall has finally taught his charges to tackle. Too bad it's our own team.

Mbw:

I think HOU has one first down so far.

Can we please just see Keenum chuck it deep to Dre? I really don't want to see Matt Schaub play today.

UT:

And I think that was due to the horsecollar call, I think.

Vega:

Every week I tell myself that at least I can't be further disappointed, and every week I'm disappointed in my inability to predict my disappointment.

Vega:

You know that was a miskick because it didn't give Martin a chance to return.

Captain Ron:

The field at Reliant looks like a circus already rolled through it. What will it look like after THIS circus is done rolling through it? And WHEN will this venue invest in a proper playing field?

Mbw:

We are the worst screen team of all time.

Captain Ron:

The Texans offense is helping Mercilus make a case for Teddy in the draft as well.

Bayless:

Case looks like the kid from Rookie of the Year after his arm heals.

Vega:

Haha... he just said two first downs that we don't have to make. The insinuation that we can make two first downs is cute.

Mbw:

Can we just trade Keenum for a 4th round pick already?

Captain Ron:

Reliant Turf Monster > D. Johnson. That could have been a score on that big run if Reliant invested in a quality field!

Vega:

Every time I watch those commercials where the mountain climbers scale dangerous, frozen heights to bring Coors Light to the crowded bar, I always wonder how the hell all those people got there and why the mountain climbers don't just go that way.

Vega:

Wow, we can't even get out of the two-minute warning without kittening up.

UT:

Keenum sack. Defender untouched. Oline garbage.

Yep, they're trying to murder Keenum.

Vega:

Timeout Tennessee? Even the refs are kittening with us.

UT:

I can never tell for sure but have the Texans quit?

Vega:

Bullock does have a monster leg. If only he could control it.

Halftime:

BFD:

Expectations suck.

Captain Ron:

Vegas was obviously trolling when they set the Texans up with a 10 point advantage against the Jags.

Mbw:

Randy Bullock needs to have a training session like in Spiderman 1 where he learns how to control his web.

BFD:

My wife and I were just talking about something similar for me...

UT:

Things that scare me: What if the first half WAS the Texans' good half?

Third Quarter:

BFD:

Four net passing yards. #TEAMKEENUM

Vega:

Four yards?!

We have four kitten yards?!

You can't say kitten on the air.

Ah, doesn't matter... nobody's

Vega:

/nobody's listening.

I can't even get the kittening quote right.

BFD:

Where nothing could possibligh go wrong. Possibly go wrong. That's the first thing that's ever gone wrong.

UT:

That's okay. You're still battling, and really, that's on Kubiak because he has to get back to watching tape and keeping the quotes running correctly.

Vega:

Dennis Johnson might be a good reason to watch the second half.

Mbw:

He looks better than Ben Tate in our offense, he plants and cuts extremely well.

Captain Ron:

Hopkins has been nonexistent ever since his wang went public.

Vega (on fourth and goal):

GO FOR IT!!!!

BFD:

Can we not think of something better than "scat back?" I mean, ewwwww.

Captain Ron:

Brooks Reed signs the invitation to draft Barr or Clowney with that missed tackle.

Captain Ron:

Swearinger has incredible instincts. He could become very special.

Captain Ron:

Antonio Smith with the brain dead penalty on third down. /slow golf clap

UT:

Never underestimate the heart of a defense that's determined to stay on the field even after forcing a fourth down.

UT:

Does ANYBODY want to win this game?

Mbw:

The answer is no.

JJ Watt caused Henne to fumble the football just by him looking at him and then he blocked the FG.

He is the greatest.

Captain Ron:

JJ Watt = "Disrupticon"

Fourth Quarter:

Captain Ron:

How many more years until there are sensors in the football to determine accurate placement?

UT:

I can only laugh that the ball is short of the first. this is a wholly inappropriate response, but it's better than losing my damn marbles.

UT:

Denard Robinson in for Jacksonville? QUICK SOMEONE FIND MDC!!

Captain Ron:

Nobody blocks for Martin on the punt return? Just how deep is this Marciano Trench anyway?

Mbw:

I have never seen Bayless in real life, but I imagine he looks like Charlie Whitehurst.

UT:

Did you ever see "Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey?" If so, do you remember them falling down into hell?

That's a roadside ditch compared to the Marciano Trench.

Mbw:

HOU is 3/12 on third down.

Captain Ron:

Another splendid "three & out" for the Texans' Offense. I imagine the huddles sound like this; "Kitten the bed, on three, ready....break!"