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Three And Out: Useless Predictions For Texans-Patriots

When it comes to the Houston Texans, I'm a pretty illogical guy. But can I really pick them to upset the Patriots tomorrow to improve to 3-9? Spoiler alert: Wait, you should probably read the post first.

"Oh, man.  Not the Patriots again."
"Oh, man. Not the Patriots again."
Bob Levey

I hope you had an awesome Thanksgiving, anonymous reader. You deserve it after having virtually every Sunday for the last two and a half months soured by Houston Texans football. Now that the holiday season is officially upon us, could our beleaguered Texans treat us to a miracle of sorts with an upset of the New England Patriots tomorrow at Reliant Stadium?

Before we answer that question, allow me to bend your virtual ear with three other predictions of things that will come to pass when the Texans and Patriots meet tomorrow at noon CST.

1. If there's one thing we know about a Wade Phillips Texans' defense, it's that they don't handle offenses that spread 'em out very well. Factor in a hobbled Kareem Jackson, healthy doses of Brice McCain and Brandon Harris, Tom Freaking Brady, the ongoing nightmare that is Texans' linebackers attempting to cover pass catching tight ends like Rob Gronkowski, and the Texans' inability to keep any team from scoring once they reach the red zone, and there's not much reason to believe the Texans' defense won't get sliced and diced. The Patriots' offense will score at least four (4) touchdowns against the Texans' defense tomorrow.

2. That means a Houston offense led by Case Keenum is going to have to keep pace with Brady & Co. Your reaction to that statement likely approximates this:

As it should. The Patriots' defense, especially without Vince Wilfork, is a shell of what it was (and it wasn't the 1985 Chicago Bears before Wilfork went down). It won't matter. The Texans couldn't move the ball against the Jaguars last week for crying out loud. No reason to think it's going to be better against the Patriots. Even Andre Johnson gets kept out of the end zone this week (though DeVier Posey won't).

3. One day we'll look back on all of this, sigh, and remember we have another four games left in this season. "One day," of course, means "During the third quarter."

PUT YOUR NAME ON IT: Tomorrow marks the beginning of a new month. Unfortunately, it feels a lot like October. And November. Really, it feels eerily similar to the last regular season game between the Texans and the Patriots. Patriots 38, Texans 17.

Patriots vs Texans coverage
Pats Pulpit