Hair of the Dog: Case?! Heck, I'll Take A Keg

Halloween is an interesting holiday in that the way you celebrate it changes throughout your life. As a child, it's all about the costume and trick-or-treating. As you get older, it becomes more about the party and the fun of seeing girls throw conservatism to the wind in their costume selection.

Yet as you continue to age, you enter another phase of celebration.  One which I didn't realize existed, but which I'm just starting to experience. See, now that I have kids, my party days are rare, and it's back to trick-or-treating, but now I'm in a supervisory role (well, my wife and my mom are really doing that... I'm just pushing the stroller). And that's where the difference comes in. My brother-in-law and I throw a six pack in the bottom of the stroller and head on out. Strolling around the neighborhoods, we quickly realized that we're hardly pioneers in this activity. Seeing as I haven't trick-or-treated in years and that I wasn't really paying attention to the adults back then, it's just a world I never really knew existed. It's kind of like discovering this secret party that's hidden from all the kids.

Now let's hope the Texans can dress up as a competent football team.

Pregame

TDC:

Prime-Time Game, 2013 Texans....just finding it hard to find a way to win. At least the Texans will be in their red/white combo. If nothing else, they'll look sharp.

BFD:

I picked up and am playing the Colts D in one of my fantasy leagues. Bayless just yelled at me for doing so.

UT:

I don't recognize the stadium with the roof open.

BFD:

Sorta like how you wouldn't recognize me with my pants on?

UT:

Wait...you OWN pants? How long has this been going on?

Vega:

I have an odd and inexplicable sense of optimism about this game. I wonder how long that will last.

BFD:

The first special teams play (aka, opening kickoff) usually cures me of that ill. #NeverForgetMDC #KittenMDC

First Quarter

Mbw:

KEEEEEEEEEEENUUUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMMM

UT:

Holy Jesus Lapdancing Christ! Now that's a way to start off the game.

BFD:

That Andre Johnson guy isn't bad at all. #doublemove

Vega (after the Colts' first pass):

Suddenly I'm brutally reminded that Brian Cushing is out.

BFD:

Richardson AND Fleener were wide open on their first offensive play. Two horribly blown coverages on the same play. Great Durga.

Mbw:

I'm having Barrett Rudd covering Shane Vereen flashbacks already.

BFD:

Ron Dayne thinks Trent Richardson lacks lean.

Vega (after the blocked kick):

Holy crap. Keenum throwing bombs. Huge special teams play. What the kitten is going on here?

Mbw:

Vontae Davis is getting his kitten eaten up.

BFD:

Davis is giving about a 60 yard cushion to Andre. Goodness.

UT:

If it weren't for the fact that other people are seeing this too, I would think that I had died somewhere between the bar and home. Because this clearly can't be reality.

BFD:

Is it me or does the field already look extraordinarily rough?

Vega:

4th down doesn't work, but I love the call anyway.

BFD:

Dammit, I like going for it on 4th, but that was the wrong call.

Also, I'm guessing Foster is done for the night already. Not a snap since the first one on O if I'm seeing correctly.

TDC:

Kareem Jackson so scared of Hilton's deep speed. Playing well off him.

BFD:

If we expect McCain to cover Hilton all night, we're going to need more drops.

Rivers (after the FUBAR punt followed by an almost blocked punt):

Di ... did Marciano get fired?

TDC:

Indy's special teams are out Marcianoining Houston's.

Vega:

Guys... I'm scared.

Brett (after Keenum's second bomb TD to Andre):

Keenum making two great throws down field so far. Can't say he's not trying to earn this job long term. Kid's got moxie.

BFD:

I don't know how the hell to feel right now. I do know I'll enjoy these glass-cutting nipples while I can.

Mbw:

I'm a little aroused right now.

D_more:

ERMAHGERD Keenum for President! Just glad to see Andre in the endzone.

Mbw:

Kept the back in pass protection on that one so they could pick up the blitz on that 3rd down.

Brett:

I've got a sneaking suspicion I'm going to see a non-Andre receiver wide open in another part of the field on that near interception when the All 22 comes out.

Second Quarter

Vega:

Mays timed that blitz perfectly

Rivers:

He wasn't blitzing. He green dogged. Trent Richardson didn't pick him up because he is kittening awful.

Mbw:

That was the way to get sacks in NFL Fever on the first XBOX. You just hung back with the MLB and went after the QB once the RB found someone to block.

Mbw (after the non-fumble sack):

That was a really really really early whistle.

Mbw:

That kick was a real Randy Bullock thing to do.

UT:

Surprise! Bullock misses from 49 yards.

Or, you know, not a surprise at all.

TDC:

Now that I've embraced Andrew Luck as a great quarterback, does he play like crap? Cause I could get used to this.

Rivers:

Two good cornerbacks versus zero good receivers, tho.

UT:

Hey, it's not weird if it works.

Brett:

Andre Johnson is making me money in fantasy right now. Lots of money.

Mbw:

Well that kittening sucks.

Jackson is good at getting PI penalties called on him. He didn't even have to cover Heyward-Bey he would have dropped it anyways

UT:

Unleash the Ninjawatt!

Brett:

That might have been the first deep PI on Jackson this season that actually was a real PI.

TDC:

Kareem Jackson with his weekly pass interference call. He's not a premiere cornerback.

Rivers:

Yeah, people have been way too harsh on Jackson this year. His style of play is gonna lead to penalties, but it's also gonna keep points off the board in the long run.

Mbw:

I agree the one against BAL and the one against SEA were atrocious.

UT:

Why...why do they insist on keeping Keshawn Martin for returns?

I demand a kittening explanation!

UT (after the fumble was reversed):

You just caught the mother of all lucky breaks, Martin.

Mbw:

Karma from the Barwin forced fumble on Luck they reversed in week 17 last year.

Rivers:

I love watching Andre Johnson play football.

Mbw:

I love watching a QB that can throw the ball farther than 15 yards.

UT:

I almost forgot what that looked like...at least what that looks like in a Texans uniform.

Brett:

I want Andre to break the receiving record tonight. Fuck the run and keeping feeding that monster.

Vega:

Ok... right now, I don't care if Keenum is a flash in the pan or the real deal. This is kittening fun.

Captain Ron:

#80 in beast mode! He's going to shore up his touchdown deficit in one game.

Brett:

HAHAHAHAHA OH MY GOD ANDRE IS KITTENING ON THESE GUYS

Halftime

BFD:

I am, truly, at a loss for words. Aside from those words

BFD:

I don't think there's a league competitive enough for Andre Johnson. #GOAT

Author's note: At this point, we learned about Kubiak collapsing coming off the field. Obviously that dominated the discussion from then on. As this is generally a lighthearted post, it doesn't seem appropriate to include those comments here, but we are all hoping and praying for a quick return to health.

Third Quarter

Mbw:

This Whalen guy for the Colts sucks

TDC:

That flag was real dumb. I'm not usually one to say bad penalty, but that was a bad penalty.

Rivers:

Ed Reed sucks.

UT:

No argument here.

BFD:

They're going after McCain on almost every throw.

Vega:

Did Martin really bring it out from 9 yards deep?

UT:

Martin, you are one step away from going off the field.

DO NOT RETURN THE BALL FROM THERE!

Rivers:

It's not like he's being coached; what do you expect? COMPETENCE? TOO HIGH OF A BAR.

Vega:

It almost feels like he's anti-coached.

Captain Ron:

I'm convinced if K-Mart was hiking in the Grand Canyon and found a football he would run it out.

Vega:

Part of me really wants Posey to become a star. Just for MDC's sake.

Mbw:

Keenum is throwing to other people now.

Rivers:

That's a mistake.

Forget about the curveball, Rick. Give 'em the heater.

Mbw:

I'm getting sick of every receiver standing up complaining for a flag.

UT:

It's become in the NFL what flopping is in the NBA

BFD:

#WorstAnalogyEver

You know who Keenum reminds me of? The modern day Peyton Manning. No arm strength. Throws rainbows. But damn accurate and timely.

Mbw (after the roughing the passer call):

Another example of NFL QB coddling. Awful call.

Mbw:

Hilton Vs McCain

I wonder who won that battle.

UT:

I'm surprised that TD against McCain didn't come sooner.

UT:

Well it took three quarters but Keshawn Martin finally figured out he's better when he doesn't actually leave the end zone.

Vega:

I think Keo was about to tackle him.

Fourth Quarter

Rivers:

Grown man catch by DeAndre.

TDC:

DEANDRE HOPKINS. MAN HANDS.

Brett:

For all his flaws, Keenum has been insanely fun to watch tonight

UT:

Trying to challenge Keenum? Here's DeAndre to show you why not to do that.

TDC:

Gotta give Rivers a lot of credit. He was saying for the longest time how this offense was missing the long ball. He was right (as he often is). Good call.

Rivers:

I mean this is what Brett and I were debating about after the KC game. When you have Andre Johnson and DeAndre Hopkins, you don't NEED Aaron Rodgers at quarterback. These guys are always open.

Brett:

I would prefer someone who was like Aaron Rodgers though, even though Keenum (seems to) be doing just fine. It's uncanny how accurate his rainbows are. Normally passes like that are picked off like 80% of the time. It's just...weird.

Rivers:

Well yeah. You and everyone else. Nor am I on team "Keenum is infallible and we should not draft a quarterback" by any means.

UT:

Did...did I just see a zone read? I didn't imagine that right?

TDC:

Randy Bullock sucks.

UT:

The Texans drafted this guy. They used a MID-ROUND DRAFT PICK on this kicker.

UT (after Hilton's TD):

Those missed field goals hurt a lot more now.

UT (during Andre Johnson catch review):

Why am I getting an ominous feeling about this review?

Vega:

Because you're a Texans fan. It's a reflex.

Vega:

What a time for Lechler to have such a crappy kick.

Rivers:

I hate Brice McCain.

Captain Ron:

The hate of a thousand suns

Vega (after Hilton's third touchdown):

That touchdown was inevitable

Mbw:

Remember the first half when we were having fun?

2013 sucks ass.

Captain Ron:

Yeah, Vance Joseph just fell off my list of coaches to admire. This secondary is garbage.

Brett:

Not gonna lie, I really hope that the Colts and Texans can both be good for a long time. I want a meaningful division rivalry.

Mbw:

Blasphemy. You want the Colts to be horrendous and the Jags to be good for a meaningful rivalry to develop.

Vega:

Screw the rivalry. I want everybody to suck but us.

UT:

Amen.

Captain Ron:

So is this the new game plan? Exciting football for three quarters and then tank to keep a high draft pick?

Vega:

Special teams penalty at a crucial time. Yup.

Mbw (just before the final FG):

There's no way he makes this.

The game is clearly overshadowed by Kubiak's health. Regardless of whatever opinion you may have of him as a coach or decision maker, football is just a game. Here's hoping that he recovers fully and has a long, healthy life ahead of him.

As to the game, once again, special teams have cost us a game. But you knew that. You expected it. If you were shocked about this, you simply haven't been watching.

If I were the Texans, I would keep Bullock on the roster all season for tanking purposes, and I'd move his locker directly next to Watt's.

On the bright side, Case Keenum continues to exceed expectations and play exceedingly good football. It should be interesting watching him play out the season.

Game Balls:

Offense: Case Keenum. Andre Johnson had as good a first half as I've ever seen, but I'm giving this to Case for just overall spectacular play. As I said above, I don't yet know if he's just off to a hot start or if he's the read deal, but he's absolutely the main reason to watch Texans football right now.

Defense: J.J. Watt. Because I always give it ti J.J. Watt. Though Ninja was a close second here.

Special Teams: Yup.

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