Hair of the Dog: Happy Tanksgiving (Texans v. Patriots)

Well, Thanksgiving is over. We've all indulged to excessive amounts. We've spent time (hopefully away from work) with friends and family reflecting on the things that we're tankful... excuse me... I mean, thankful for. Perhaps among the things you listed, you referenced that you're thankful that the Texans season is nearly complete and that you can now have peace on Sundays.

Other than that, I've got nothing.

Pregame:

Vega:

Is it wrong that I've already started writing the Sunday Night Game Thread with statements about the Texans loss?

UT:

The roof is open, the Coogs chewed up the field on Friday, and the sky looks like it'll start pouring at any minute.

This is gonna be interesting.

Corzo:

Isn't this week the Homecoming game?

UT:

If I see a single letterman jacket either on the sideline or in the stands, I'm flying down to Houston and setting it on fire.

BFD:

Evidently, mid-game now occurs with 10 seconds left in the 4th quarter according to the fantastic announcing duo of Gumbel and Dierdorf.

BFD:

#KittenTheBed4Ted

Mbw:

I'm just going to be watching to see if Houston can run the football against the soft Pats front 7.

Mbw:

#PeeAndPoopTheBedForTed

First Quarter:

UT:

Texans won the toss and will receive. Because we want the Texans defense to start the second half, of course.

UT (after opening kickoff):

Wait...no flag? What the kitten?

Corzo:

I'm rooting for a victory and IDGAK.

Mbw:

Have fun with that.

The run game is already looking good.

Corzo:

Dennis Johnson tripped on the turf?

Mbw:

Let's just hope they lose thanks to a Randy Bullock missed FG.

Vega:

Pats 3 and out? Weird.

Mbw:

Can we please just run the ball behind Brandon Brooks over and over and over and over again.

The left side is weak in the run game

Mbw:

Andre Johnson is always open.

UT (after Texans TD):

Touchdown Houston? We can do that?

BFD:

Derek Newton with a pancake on the Tate TD. Man, if he EVER learned to pass block, he'd be pretty damn good.

Mbw:

What did I say, just run the ball on the right side over and over and over and over again.

Vega:

Is this the type of game that the Texans will win just to kitten with us?

UT:

It screams that to me.

This is an anti-trap game for the Texans.

Vega:

We're the trap team for the Pats

Vega:

My wife just displayed her football knowledge by saying, "hey, they got a point." Yet, even with that, she knows the Texans suck.

Captain Ron:

The Texans didn't get the memo about tanking for Teddy. They came to play today!

BFD:

NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo! #KittenTheBed4Ted

C'mon, Marciano, do your stuff!

Brett:

DJ singled up on Gronk out wide there. Biggest test of the year for him.

Vega (after J. Jo pick):

Yup... looks like the apocalypse to me.

Corzo:

Kitten yea Joseph. Sniped a pass away from Gronk.

UT:

Holy kitten a pick!

And an OPI call!

This is why we can't have nice things!

Brett:

I'm okay with winning this game if only to fuck over the Patriots fans hoping to get a playoff bye. They do not deserve happiness.

Mbw (in true tank mode):

Don't let the hate take your eyes off the prize.

Vega:

Relax guys. Do not underestimate the Texans ability to crap the bed. They're just sucking us in to get us excited before blowing a lead. Simply losing as expected is not the Texan way.

UT:

Wait! I figured it out! This is the good half! It all makes sense now.

Mbw:

Yeah I completely forgot that they can't play two halves.

Corzo:

Keo's graceful whiff was majestic.

UT:

Somebody's going to make a gif of...was it Keo?...flying over that receiver like a friggin' dolphin at a Sea World show.

Mbw:

Robert Kraft looks like Cotton Candy Ice Cream, WTF is he wearing.

Mbw (after the Patriots' TD):

God I hate that kittening pass rush.

If you double Watt you have all day to throw.

Vega:

There it is. That pass rush was more majestic than Keo.

UT:

I think I know how this is going to go. Houston's going to lose, that much is written in the friggin' wind. But like pretty much every game we play against them, we'll find some way of knocking out a major cog of their offense either a receiver or Brady Almighty himself.

That'll be enough to make them too weak to do anything in the playoffs.

It's what we do.

Mbw:

All work and no play makes Tom a dull boy.

Second Quarter:

Corzo:

Wow, Andre... ridiculous hands catch among three defenders.

Keenum laser locked on Andre though.

UT:

Case was insanely lucky that wasn't a pick.

Seriously, start spreading out the ball! We have other receivers!

Mbw:

Dre is always open though. If I was QB I would only throw to him.

UT:

So is DeAndre Hopkins, and he doesn't have three guys covering him.

Mbw:

There is DeAndre, Pat.

BFD:

Yep, Dierdorf, we Texans fans got a break because Kubiak didn't die on the field. #kittenhole

Corzo:

"All the time in the world... except he waited too long." - Dierdorf

Mbw:

The Keenum is whenever a QB takes a sack for a loss of 8 yards or greater.

On average, he loses 10.8 yards when he gets sacked.

UT:

I'm still surprised that A) Ke$hawn was wide open and B) Actually caught the ball when open.

UT:

And an interception. I wish I was surprised at this turn of events, or even upset.

Brett:

Who got beat when he got hit?

BFD:

Duane Brown, kinda, but it was about six seconds into the play. Brown stone-walled Carter prior to the sack.

Mbw:

He had the ball for 5 seconds before he was hit. The O-line didn't do a bad job protecting.

Ed Reed would have picked that off.

Mbw:

Yeah I would not call that getting beat, Case had plenty of time.

UT:

Refs: "OMG BRADY IS ON THE GROUND! SOMEONE THROW A FLAG!!!"

Corzo:

that was the biggest horseshit call I've ever seen.

BFD:

One of the worst calls I've ever seen. Holy crap.

Mbw:

It was on Reed for hitting him high, there has been much worse calls than that.

Corzo:

Brooks Reed getting a roughing the passer call implies he was anywhere near Brady in the first place. We all know he's mostly incapable of doing that. Terrible call.

Corzo:

Watt carried Brady to Reed.

Mbw:

He still hit him up high and they call that nearly everytime regardless of the QBs momentum.

Merc only gets sacks when he is unblocked.

Brett:

DJ quietly having a good game. Nobody has been able to get more than 3-4 yards with him in coverage, if at all.

Mbw:

Finally a good screen play!

UT:

My wife is already sick of Wingus and Dingus verbhumping Brady and we're not even out of the half.

She has learned well.

Mbw:

Are you going to miss them next season?

UT:

The way I would miss a gaping flesh wound.

Mbw:

Ben Jones>Wade Smith

BFD:

Just getting ready to mention that, Big Matt. Have you seen Smith out there at all today?

Mbw:

I remember seeing him on the first series, but that is it.

I wish Smith received the hate that Newton got. I might have already said that, but I will say it again.

Corzo:

Ben Tate... play for that contract, bro. Love it. Huge alleyway to run through for the TD.

Captain Ron:

I'm sitting next to Mcnair's owner suite, and Cal is working his mustache pretty hard after that touchdown by Tate. What to do in the off season is running through his mind.

Mbw:

Not sign Ben Tate because of the cap. We need to sign Jackson and Watt this off season instead and you can always find running backs.

UT:

Like Ahman Green and Ron Dayne and Samkon Gado.

BFD:

I wish they would show a replay of Gronk's last catch. By where Swearinger was, it seemed like a major push off. Would also explain why Wade so mad.

Vega:

Surprised there wasn't a flag for playing football against Brady on that one.

BFD:

#JoeMarGameBall finally shows some strategy and doesn't allow Keshawn to return a punt.

UT:

Victory formation to end the first half. It really lends some credence to the theory that the Texans think winning one half = winning the game.

Halftime:

UT:

Holy crap, I think J.J. Watt's made more appearances in commercials today than he has in the game. And he's factored a lot in this game.

Brett:

I played Amendola expecting him to match up with Brice McCain. He as 0 catches. What the kitten.

Mbw:

The numbers are nearly the exact same except the avg starting field position.

NE- 7, 24, 45, 20, 15

HOU- 44, 48, NE's 31, 20, 45.

Third Quarter:

Brett:

Darryl Sharpton is agony personified.

BFD:

You could put four Keos and four Sharptons out there, and they still couldn't contain Gronk.

Mbw:

I'll trade you 3 Keos and 2 Sharptons for a 6 pack of Icehouses

BFD:

No. Talk about a conglomeration of kitten trade. HAHAHAHA!

Mbw:

Imagine the farts after consuming 3 Keos, 2 Sharptons and a 6 pack of Icehouses.

UT:

And then you'd need something with alcohol to block out the fact that you just did that.

UT (after Pats TD):

And now the second half begins and my world makes sense again.

Mbw:

Wade Smith got his tits licked on that one.

Mbw:

Joseph and Jackson beat on consecutive plays there.

BFD:

Bradie James and Barrett Ruud are KILLING us out there.

Corzo:

Would love an Andre touchdown here with the Texans down by 4, knocking on the door.

Mbw:

I love Brandon Brooks.

I don't know if HOU's O-Line is playing well or if NE's run defense is that bad.

Mbw (after the Keenum TD run):

That was the worst spike I have ever seen. The O-line did a marvelous job cutting down the backside on that play.

UT:

Also, number 7324 in the "Things we almost never see Schaub do" file: Keenum running it in for a TD.

Dammit, does nobody understand how tanking works?!

Mbw:

It's all part of the plan UT, the Texans are the greatest tanking team of all time. It's no fun unless the games are close.

HOU will lose thanks to a fat kicker missed FG

Brett:

We're being set up for heartbreak. Don't worry.

Mbw:

Not Heartbreak, but jubilation. Remember keep your eyes on the prize.

UT:

In Kubiak we trust...to break our hearts.

Catchy.

UT:

Brady could have baked a pie with the amount of time he had to throw the ball there.

BFD:

Brady is looking for uniform numbers ending in 1 and throwing at them.

Mbw:

I think the BRB flag football team would put up points against a team fielded by Tarpinian, Mays, Keo, and Sharpton.

UT:

No, they already don't tackle, making it a flag football game would play into their strengths.

It has to be a tackle football game.

Fourth Quarter:

Mbw:

That was a 2012 route by Vereen.

Mbw:

I hate Brady but damn that was a beautiful throw by Brady to Edelman.

Mbw (after Pats TD):

And Blount runs through three arm tackles for a TD.

Vega:

That was tankeriffic run defense.

UT:

Keenum with the long bomb. The one thing I generally trust Keenum to do fairly competently.

Mbw:

Yeah he throws a sweet deep ball.

Vega (after Texans TD):

Yeah, Tate! I hope that dude gets paid this offseason.

But by somebody else.

Corzo:

I miss this running game.

UT:

I...I don't know how to feel about this.

Vega:

Great play by Pleasant there.

Mbw:

I was about to say the same thing, he has made a couple of good plays.

Everyone prepare yourself for a fat kicker missed FG.

Vega:

I don't know. on a day like today, he might hit from 60 for the win.

Brett:

Jags are only down by 1 in the 4th

Mbw:

Wade is blitzing more today than he has all year.

Brett:

In terms of technique that was good coverage from DJ there, he just flat out missed when he went to deflect the ball.

UT:

And Gronkowski is limping.

Texans really are bad luck for the Pats.

Mbw:

Keenum is the greatest tanking QB of all time. There is no way Houston doesn't lose by 3.

Corzo:

Keenum and Andreeeeeeeeeee! I'm getting my hopes up now.

Coro:

4th and 13. Hopes... fading.

Brett:

Jags in the lead.

UT:

Well, that's that.

And of course, Chris Jones in at the sack, just to twist that kittening knife a little deeper between the third and fourth ribs.

Mbw:

I think we all saw that coming.

Damn I pissed we aren't going to get a fat Randy attempt.

Mbw:

Kubiak blew this game by wasting his TOs in the second half.

Vega:

Well, at least I don't have to rewrite the SNF thread.

BFD:

And Vega makes lemonade. Well done.

Whatever you say about this team, you can't say they've given up. Not one of them.

The Texans played their best game in quite some time, yet still fell short. There is no question that there remains a significant amount of talent on this team, but the offensive line, secondary, quarterback, and pass rush (outside of Watt) need significant upgrades.

The silver lining for Texans' fans is that it shouldn't take long to return to the top of the league. It's going to require that more of the upcoming offseason moves pay off than don't. There's less leeway than there has been in the past, so hopefully McNair and Smith (should he survive) make good decisions.

Game Balls:

Offense: Ben Tate. I really mean it when I say that I hope he gets paid. He's been great for this team, despite his struggles to remain healthy. I also really mean it when I say I hope his checks are not signed by Mr. McNair next year.

Defense: Nobody really stands out here today. Watt was Watt, though he didn't have the numbers. Eddie Pleasant was a pleasant surprise (sorry), but it's not like he dominated the game. I'm giving this fake game ball to D.J. Swearinger for being one of the bright spots this season. Looks like he may be a find.

Special Teams: An oddly productive game from the special teams. Fat Randy did everything he needed to, including nailing a 43-yarder. Keshawn Martin had a great kick return to open the game, and Shane Lechler was Shane Lechler. I'm going to cut up a football three ways and let them share in the glory.

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