Hair Of The Dog: And So It Ends (Texans v. Titans)

Have you ever gone to a party and been all excited about it, only to find out that the girl you were trying to hook up with is all over some other dude, so you drink too much, make an ass of yourself, and puke all over the stairs before reliving the whole thing later with a brutal run-on sentence?

Yeah, me neither.

But if I had, I imagine the sensation to be similar to this Texans season. Well, after today, we finally get to leave this party and get on to nursing our hangover.

Pregame:

UT:

I just saw a giant raccoon mascot thing traipsing around on the sideline. Considering Nashville's roadkill laws, it's a wonder nobody shot it on sight.

Captain Ron:

Bob McNair (to Wade and Vance); "I just want to tell you both good luck. We're all counting on you."

First Quarter:

Vega:

I look forward to watching Keshawn Martin make the Pro Bowl as a returner for the Steelers next season.

UT:

Kitten the Steelers, he can go to the Lions or something.

Corzo:

I'm getting excited about Ryan Griffin... just watching him run block, thus far.

Captain Ron:

"The red zone has always been for loading and unloading of passengers. There's never stopping in a white zone."

UT:

Grimes is getting some good runs in there.

Corzo:

Wow... is that our first ever touchdown on the opening drive this season? Feels like it.

Vega:

Dream scenario... beat the kitten out of the BESF and have Washington beat the kitten out of the Giants.

UT:

A touchdown? What is it? It's when a team, usually not the Texans, takes the ball into the end zone for six points. But that's not important right now.

UT:

Roughing the passer? He put his fucking hands on the QB. Hey, ref, this ain't Tom Brady you're protecting it's Ryan Fitzpatrick.

All I'm saying is have some priorities!

Vega:

Look, the call on Harris is ridiculous, but it's also easily avoidable. He should know better.

Captain Ron:

Did someone forget to tell Fitzy that McCain wears #21? Do they even bother with film study in Tennessee?

UT:

Schaub, why are you running for a first down? Please stop running like it matters.

Vega:

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Don't worry... Schaub's got this.

UT:

And I agree, I expect him to crumple when it matters, I just wish he'd stop pretending that he isn't going to.

Corzo:

Schaub's slide looked like a phone book dropping on the floor.

Corzo:

3rd and 19... incoming WR screen?

BFD:

Wade Smith is beyond horrible.

UT:

My wife just said, "Let 'er rip, Schaub" on 3rd and 19.

She has learned NOTHING this season.

Corzo:

As is Derek Newton... he's gotten beat multiple times (including that 3rd and 19 just now) but Schaub, to his credit, is savvy enough to throw it quick or roll out.

Vega:

There's McCain doing his part.

Captain Ron:

Tarpinian uncloaks to end the 1st QTR, and the Romulans file a complaint with Starfleet.

Second Quarter:

BFD:

I don't think Schaub's got this one, Vega. The BESFs are simply kittening awful.

Tim:

I didn't think it was possible, but I will hate the Titans more if they manage to lose to the Texans today.

Vega:

Have faith, guys.

UT:

Random thought: If the Texans lose, it'll secure the top pick and possibly save Mike Munchak's job. So there's an additional silver lining for us.

UT:

I think I'm more frightened of the cheerleaders than the players or fans. Yeesh, that was like circus ugly.

Corzo:

Grimes is looking like a perfectly acceptable RB2.

Rivers:

Context is important.

Corzo:

True that, Rivers. And of course he loses a fumble right after I type that.

Corzo:

So there's the first turnover... incoming defensive collapse, right? Fits the script for this season.

UT:

So far so good.

BFD:

You know who is not having a good game? JJ Watt.

UT:

Brice McCain with a pick. Blind pig meet acorn.

Vega:

McCain got that interception because he was already burnt, so there was no WR around to disrupt him.

Rivers:

I was surprised that McCain didn't drop it. I'll say it.

Vega:

Redskins up 3-0 in what, according to the box score, is an absolutely hideous game.

Rivers:

I don't think we have room to talk.

UT:

And now they have the same score in their game as ours. 7-3 Giants.

Third Quarter:

UT:

F***A** strikes again.

Brett:

I would kill for a Kendall Wright screen to the house right now.

Brett:

SCHAUB PICK! WOOOOOOOO

Tim:

Did I just jump out of my seat and pump my fist on that Schaub pick? Yes.

Only God can judge me.

UT:

I'm so glad this is the last time I have to worry about rooting against the Texans.

Side note: 10-6 Giants and Eli Manning is being evaluated for an ankle injury.

Vega:

Brice McCain with 10-yard cushion on 3rd-3. Look, if Schaub doesn't have this, McCain certainly does.

UT:

In McCain we trust, all others pay cash.

Vega (after Titans TD):

The fact that this is also likely the last time we see Chris Johnson in Tennessee also makes this a good day. And the sun just came out here in Florida. And I just cracked another beer.

Cheers to you all.

UT:

Redskins watch: Eli Manning out, Curtis Painter in. At last things are looking up...he says as Andre drops the ball.

Vega:

Brice McCain is a Teddy Bridgewater fan.

Fourth Quarter:

Vega (after the fumbled snap):

Schaub's inevitable fourth quarter interception will make it a nice, round -20 turnover ratio.

Captain Ron:

Wade Smith rolling through Schaub for the fumble should make a good highlight reel.

Mbw:

Another reason why next year will be better

Vega:

If it's worse, I quit football.

Vega:

The Redskins are worthless. Thank goodness we have our own incompetence to fall back on.

UT:

Why do they need three mascots in Tennessee? Do the other two distribute the meth or something?

Tim:

Bernard Pollard helped out his former employer there.

Vega:

Wow, going for a field goal here should essentially take Wade out of the running for the head coaching position.

Brett:

Thank god they took the field goal. I was worried this game would be winnable.

Vega:

If I cared about this game, I would be so angry right now.

Captain Ron:

The Redskins technically deserve the 1st overall pick, as they are clearly the worst football team in the NFL. The fact that they were dumb enough to trade that future pick to the Rams for RG3 is reason enough for the universe to punish them by giving it to the Texans instead.

Vega (as the Texans prepare for the final drive):

It's Schaub time!!

Vega (after the Schaub interception):

There it is.

UT:

WE ARE THE CHUMPIONS!!!!!!!

Brett:

Welcome to Houston, Teddy.

Corzo:

Beautiful prophet-eering there, Vega.

Vega:

I wish I could take credit, but Matt did all the work.

Rivers:

I'm so glad it's over, guys.

Captain Ron:

Bob McNair (to Wade and Vance in the locker room); "I just want to tell you both good luck. We're all counting on you."

I feel as if a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders. This diaper-filling of a season is finally over. The Houston Texans are on the clock.

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