Hair Of The Dog: Keeping To The Script (Texans v. Jaguars)

I probably say this every time the Texans play a night game, but I hate them.

Maybe it's because I live on the east coast and I wake up at 5:30 to go to work

Maybe it's because between the end of the game and 5:30 my daughters are likely to wake up roughly 637 times. Each.

Maybe it's because the thrill of being the primetime game is not nearly the same these days, what with Sunday Ticket and Red Zone and all that.

Maybe it's because I'm becoming a crotchety old man who doesn't like to kitten with his routine.

But no, I think it's mostly because coming into this game, the Texans are 6-12 all time in prime time games

First Quarter:

Tim:

Watching Joe Marciano "fire up" the kick coverage unit before kickoff makes me want to light myself on fire.

Vega:

Ok... full disclosure. Are you rooting for or agin' the Texans?

Personally, I understand the value of the draft pick and how it's better for the long term health of the club, but I just don't have the ability to not root for them to kick the crap out of whoever they're playing.

Then again... it probably won't make a difference at the end.

Tim:

I'm rooting for this season to end. The rest is just details.

UT:

I'm rooting for them to win, just not expecting it.

Vega (after Jags first TD):

Wow, Kareem Jackson didn't even turn around after the ball was caught.

Tim:

The Jaguars look like The Greatest Show On Turf.

Vega:

Whoever plays the Texans each week is the Greatest Show vs Turd.

Vega:

Texans are slipping all over the place out there.

Vega:

The Jags blitzed the Texans on just about every third down two weeks ago. So who would ever expect them to do it again.

UT:

Does anyone else feel like they should apologize to non-Texans and Jags fans who are watching this game tonight?

UT:

I only just got home a few minutes ago.

And this game was much more fun to watch on the radio.

Vega:

Darryl Sharpton still hasn't figured out that he gave up a catch there.

UT:

Well, when you play like you're 2' 6" tall, you'd be surprised too.

Second Quarter:

Vega:

Penalties + Suck = 2013 Texans

UT:

Well, that's 14 points, this game is pretty much wrapped up for Jacksonville.

D_more:

[/flat line]

UT:

How sad is it that this 3rd and 24 feels like they have to convert in order to prevent a rout? Not win, just to prevent a blowout.

Now where'd I put that Scotch?

Vega:

This is a kittening train wreck. Even compared to the rest of this season.

UT:

They are capable of going a single play without a penalty. I know they are, I'VE SEEN IT DONE BEFORE!

Captain Ron:

I just walked into my house from the airport. One TV has Sound of Music, the other TV has the "sound of a first overall pick."

UT:

Carrie Underwood would probably be a better special teams coach.

Vega:

Kubiak trying to fire up the team during that break looked like a man who understands his future.

Vega:

I got all excited about this drive. Then I realized they haven't crossed midfield yet.

UT:

First down Texans...so where's the flag?

Vega:

I wonder what Bob McNair is thinking right now. I'd bet it has nothing to do with football.

UT:

Can NFL Network just show more Thursday Night Throwback? It's far less depressing than the game in front of us.

Captain Ron:

Howie Long and JJ Watt highlights are a desperation move by the network to try and keep what viewers they have to stick around for the second half.

Vega:

The Texans are frustrated beyond belief and the Jags are desperate to prove themselves. Pretty sure Brown getting into it isn't the last skirmish we're going to see. Wouldn't be surprised to see it get a bit ugly.

UT:

What are the odds someone gets ejected before the game's out?

Captain Ron:

I don't wonder "if" there will be an ejection, but "how many!"

UT:

They're advertising Houston '93 on NFL Network now.

What I wouldn't give to see Wade Phillips sucker punch Joe Marciano.

Vega (after Texans TD):

Holy kitten. Keshawn Martin is a receiver?!

UT:

Words I thought I would never see strung together: Keshawn Martin with a touchdown.

Tim:

Gary's just been biding his time. Now Keshawn is unleashed!

Vega:

Mayock pointing out this weekend's game makes me happy I won't be stuck watching the Texans.

UT:

Can we just spend the rest of this email thread talking about the Seahawks/Niners game?

UT:

Nessler: Almost intercepted there.

::Sees McCain was would-be interceptor::

HA! You're funny, Nessler.

Captain Ron:

Someone is gonna have to go get a Kitten-ton of whistles for these refs.

UT:

Oh, sure, NOW Alan Ball decides he wants to play kittening football.

Vega:

Mayock: I don't understand how you can get beat deep with 47 seconds left?

Clearly he hasn't seen many Texans games this year.

UT:

How quickly everyone forgets the Q-Tip.

Captain Ron:

Even the ref beat Keo for that deep ball.

Vega:

Nice job there Swearinger. That's the icing on this cake.

UT:

Again, AGAIN, the screwups on defense.

Rivers:

Jungle boy Swaggg

Half Time:

Vega:

So, I'd say so far this game has lived up to expectations.

Captain Ron:

Bad lip reading - Kubiak to Swearinger; "I'm gonna BBQ your ass in molasses!"

Vega:

My wife just walked by.

Her: How are they doing?

Me: Crappy

Her: Well, at least they're consistent.

Brett:

I'm doing the highlight for this game tonight. I'm about ready to quit my job.

Third Quarter:

Vega:

Whatever else happens, Andre Johnson is still a beast.

UT:

For God's sake Swearinger, shut up. You're down 10 with a 2-10 record and have two moron penalties against you.

You have nothing to kittening showboat about.

Captain Ron:

At some point tonight, I bet you could hear this in the owner's suite:

Bob to Cal; "Put the evidence in the car JR."

Vega:

Everybody who says that Keo has turned into a good safety should pay special attention to this game.

UT:

I would argue the same thing about Swearinger right now. How many of these points can be attributed to the penalties he's piled up this game alone?

Vega:

Swearinger's an idiot no question. But at least he's had some moments (not so much in this game) where he shows himself a capable football player. He's also still a rookie.

Brett:

Just a warning, you're about to see Schaub warming up on the sidelines.

UT:

Schaub is warming up.

Gentlemen, flick your Bics. It's time to torch this game to the ground...assuming he actually goes in.

Vega:

Awesome. Because that'll save your job, Kubiak.

Captain Ron:

Kubiak's failure to make adjustments at halftime = swapping QBs? There goes the rest of the viewers who stuck it out this long.

Captain Ron:

If Schaub pulls this game to a win for the Texans, the draft focused fans will be pissed when the team is picking 4th overall in a meaningless season.

Vega:

I wouldn't worry too much about that, Ron.

UT:

My wife is doing a little chair dance as Schaub scored that TD.

I don't know whether to be pissed about this...and that pisses me off!

Fourth Quarter:

Vega:

Wow... what if Schaub does drive the team to victory. Does that make this the apocalypse?

Rivers:

Kitten Kubiak for making me sweat this.

UT:

They're going to screw up the first overall pick, aren't they?

Captain Ron:

You know your kicker sucks when you choose to put in Schaub on 4th down instead.

Corzo:

Why can't we quit Matt Schaub? Regardless, I want to win.

Vega:

It's been a while since I've seen Matt Schaub's mobility. I thought my signal was messed up and I almost reset my satellite box.

UT:

Schaub just threw a pass longer than 20 yards. I don't even know what to think anymore

Vega:

Andre Johnson is just incredible.

Vega:

Don't kick the field goal... go for it!

Bayless:

I am watching this game at a bar with bfd and Weston. There was an audible groan when Schaub came in. It was so loud the rest of the bar had to go to a silent snap count.

UT:

You sure that was about Schaub or did BFD take off his pants in public again?

Vega:

Why am I nearly certain that this game ends on a Schaub interception?

Bayless:

Oh my God I'm praying for it. It would just be so glorious.

UT:

It would be pure irony for it to end on a pick six, no less.

D_more:

knowing Schaub it'll be a reverse Garrard to Thomas Hail Mary for the win

Corzo:

He almost threw it.

Vega:

There it is. Goodnight, everybody!

UT:

Vega, quick! List off six number between 1 and 56!

Vega:

You didn't exactly have to be Tonestrodamus to call that one

Another exciting game. Another loss. Another huge game for Andre. Another pick by Schaub. This is so predictable, I'm getting ready to write next week's Hair of the Dog in a few hours. It will be up soon.

Game balls: Andre. Because through all the crap, he's still the best.

That's it.