I've been charged with identifying seven (7) current Houston Texans who should fill seven (7) predetermined roles next season, with the ultimate goal being your Houston Texans hoisting the Lombardi Trophy in February of 2014. The roles are:
My selections? Glad you asked...
Enforcer: Brian Cushing. I feel like he'd shoot a man just to watch him die. But hang his head and cry? No, sir.
Brain: Matt Schaub. He strikes me as a cerebral sort. The occasional WTF pick he's been prone to throwing throughout his career is simply part of a master plan. He's setting the other 31 teams up. There will be a payoff. I just know it.
Technician: Duane Brown. Because of the footwork and the little known fact that he actually repairs kitchen appliances in the offseason. Note: Half of the preceding sentence may be false.
Loose Cannon: My immediate reaction was "Antonio Smith" (the man seems to legitimately believe he is a ninja), but I'm going with Bryan Braman here. I mean, c'mon.
Motivator: Andre Johnson. He doesn't need to give fiery speeches or headbutt any walls. 'Dre merely needs to make eye contact with his teammates. Or show them game film from 2003-2006, when his QB was David Carr. That's motivation.
Prankster: Shaun Cody. For now, at least. If he isn't brought back, we're going to need Tyler Clutts to get real funny real fast. His surname demands it.
Muscle: J.J. Watt. Because I'll be good and goshdarned if any list about what the Texans need to do to win the Super Bowl does not feature Justin James Watt. Also, he looks like he works out, so I bet he has good muscles.
Where did I hit or miss? You tell me in the Comments.