Corzo's Self-Flagellation: Blogging With The Stars (Jacoby Jones On "Dancing With The Stars")

I realize that I'm going to get flak for, not only watching, but writing about a goofy show like Dancing With the Stars. Perhaps I'm a bit of a masochist, but I feel like it is something I must do.

Trying new things is the spice of life, and if I should somehow end up a better man because of this then, hopefully, it will be inspirational to at least one reader. If I should devolve into a scat-slinging ape after watching, then let this live blog serve as a cautionary tale to all and research fodder for scientists on the dangers of mindless American television. And if I should literally cease breathing and perish from this world, then avenge my death, Battle Red Blog. Avenge my death.

On the Menu:

• Budweiser Black Crown - in keeping with the idea of "trying new things"
• Fat Tire
• Mike's Hard Lemonade - emergency stash
• Bleach - exit strategy

Here we go!

7:01 Wow, this might be worse than I expected. A mix of the Oscars and Sabado Gigante.

7:04 Jacoby is dressed in Ravens purple and looking confident. Introduced last.

7:07 I don't know who Kellie Pickler is but she looks great in that outfit. BEER ONE DONE.

7:12 The judges are going to burn down the stage with their flamboyance. Also, this show needs some Troy McClure. RIP Phil Hartman.

7:16 "I'm Victor Ortiz and I'm a boxing champion… and now look at me…" He did pretty good though.

7:25 Girlfriend: "You're going to regret making us watch this." She's gonna get hooked.

7:34 BEER TWO DONE. Jacoby is going to go last, I fear. Promo's of Splash are making me more interested than I anticipated.

7:38 This lady's name is literally Vanderpump.

7:45 Another score of 6 - 6 - 6. How apropro... this show is taped in front of an undead studio audience.

7:49 DL Hughley looked like he had cement running through his pants. Total robot. Anyone see that documentary he made? It was pretty good. Endangered Species.

7:56 Hughley making white people uncomfortable: "Where I'm from, I'm hoping that the judge gives me the lowest number possible…. [awkward pause] Only people from Inglewood got that." He got a pitiful score, but will the producers let that kind of racially charged potential go in week one?

8:10 This dude is from The Bachelor and he's a virgin. Tebow influence, perhaps? He danced like a virgin: eager and energetic, but unsure of himself.

8:18 Beer four done. There's nothing more that I want to see than old ass Louie Anderson belly flopping from 50 feet in the air. Damn you, reality tv.

8:26 Dorothy Hamill isn't related to Mark Hamill, unfortunately; thus, no reason for me to cheer for her.

8:35 The shambling corpse of Wynona Judd, ladies and gentleman. Nashville, TN is over-represented for my tastes. Beer Team 6.

8:41 Another triple 6 score from the three judges. Executive producer Satan J. Lucifer.

8:42 "It's been a bad couple of decades" - Andy Dick. No kidding. But he's sober now, so I'm sympathetic.

8:48 I adore you, Brooke Burke, though you look a little skinny… BRING ON JACOBY. Coming up next.

8:53 Surgery to his knee didn't allow Jacoby to practice until 1 week before the premiere. Underdog story? He'll be dancing the cha-cha-cha.

8:57 Holy damn, he nailed it, in my book. Lots of touchdown dance influence. "All icing and no cake" says that old judge, but another says, "you've got the goods."

8:59 Jacoby is milking his TV time, panting and cracking jokes… "no football play lasts a minute and 30 seconds."

Well, I've made it through the show, unscathed and manhood still intact. Overall, Jacoby's dance was worth the wait. I won't be live-blogging every week, but I'll probably be tuning in throughout the season. Good job, Jacoby.