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Battle Red Newswire: Only Two More Days

Only two, more, days. Count down to the 2013 NFL Draft and check out all the latest Texans news in today's edition of the Battle Red News Wire.

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Justin Hunter to the Texans.  Smoke?  Or fire?
Justin Hunter to the Texans. Smoke? Or fire?

Texans News

Only two more days until no more mock drafts

Lance Zierlein published his most recent Texans mock draft on Monday. If Houston ends up going with a wide receiver in the first round, Zierlein's bet is that it will be Justin Hunter - though he doesn't expect the Tennessee Volunteer to even make it that far. Other potential first round targets Zierlein thinks the Texans are honing in on include Notre Dame tight end Tyler Eifert, Florida State offensive tackle Menelik Watson, North Carolina offensive guard Jonathan Cooper or Clemson wideout DeAndre Hopkins.

Most Texans fans want a first round wide receiver. If you're a member of this camp, you're only going to become more wedded to this desire once you read what Paul Kuharsky pointed out on Monday, courtesy of ESPN Stats and Info:

The 2012 Houston Texans were one of just four NFL teams in which the most-targeted receiver was thrown more passes than all other receivers on the roster combined.

Falling behind Houston on this list were the Lions, Chiefs and Bears.

Andre Johnson was targeted 158 times last season, which made up 58.1 percent of throws to all Texans wide receivers. Unsurprisingly, throwing to Dre makes Matt Schaub look much better than when he throws to other people:

Schaub to Johnson: 70.9 completion percentage, 10.1 yards per attempt, 10 plays of 30 or more yards, 31.6 attempts per interception.

Schaub to other people: 56.5 completion percentage, 7.6 yards per attempt, five plays of 30 or more yards, 21.6 attempts per interception.

Which leads me to my next point: DeAndre Hopkins has hands that incubate dragon eggs.

I don't care if he wrote his name on the hotel bathroom mirror with his own poop at the Combine. Capital A out of nowhere and all that. The guy is a freak, and I want him on the team.


Around the NFL

Elvis Dumervil's agent should be sacrificed to the gods of the Incas

Former NFL linebacker Scott Fujita, famous to us all for his alleged role in the New Orleans Saints' bounty program, retired on Monday. But he made sure to go out on a one-day contract with the organization that everyone will associate him with forever. He signed the contract while sitting atop a mountain perch overlooking Machu Picchu, the ancient Incan citadel in Peru. Seriously. He went there with his friend and ex-teammate Steve Gleason, who is suffering from Lou Gehrig's disease.

Props to my buddy Marko for pointing out the best reader response to that ESPN article:

He was in the Andes Mountains and signed his one day deal but Dumervil's agent and Broncos org. had "fax issues"? LOLOL. #FirstWorldProblems.


Honey Badger just being a role model

Tyrann Mathieu passed a drug test at the Combine. That's how bad it is for Mathieu. He makes headlines when he pisses clean.

If Nike doesn't call first, surely these guys will.


Branden Albert to the Dolphins...?

If you listen to's Ian Rapoport, Branden Albert appears to be one step closer to becoming a Dolphin. Rapoport reported Monday that Miami has expressed a willingness to offer the disgruntled Kansas City Chiefs left tackle a new contract worth the $8-$9 million per year figure he's seeking. The deal Miami is offering is apparently similar to the six year, $53.4 million Houston gave Duane Brown last summer, which came with a $12.5 million signing bonus.

If Albert agrees to the terms, all that remains is for the two teams to agree on compensation for Albert in a trade. K.C. reportedly wants a second round pick; Miami holds the slots at 42 and 54.


We get it, Jeremy

Thanks to the good people at Deadspin for alerting me to the fact that I clearly need to be following Jeremy Shockey on Twitter:

If you are as curious as I was as to what that Instagram link would lead to, calm down, because it was pretty freaking lame.

On second thought, no. I don't want to add more unfunny, uninformative clutter to my life. Unfollow.


Chris Long restructures to give Rams some cap relief

St. Louis Rams defensive end Chris Long restructured his contract in order to give his team $4.5 million in cap relief, the St. Louis Post-Dispatch reported today. Long signed the papers last Friday, but it didn't show up in the NFL Players Association files until yesterday. Instead of making $13.25 million in base salary this season, Long will have $6 million of that lopped off and converted into a roster bonus that he'll pocket in 2013, but which will be pro-rated out over the next four years over the cap. Long's cap figure for this year has now dropped from $13.25 million to $8.75 million.


No, D.J. Fluker. Your account was not hacked

No one believes your agent's story that your tweet from this morning - subsequently deleted - was the product of your account being hacked. It's too perfect and too likely true for us to believe it. Here is what it said:

"Yea I took $ n college so wat. I did wat i had to do. Agents was tryin to pimp me so I pimped them. Cast da 1st stone."

Nice allusion there.


Kam's grandson Niko will never go hungry

Seattle Seahawks safety Kam Chancellor signed a four-year contract extension on Monday that could keep him wearing those sleek Nike-designed threads through 2017. The deal, which Seahawks general manager John Schneider labeled the team's number one priority this offseason, is reportedly worth $28 million, with $17 million guaranteed. That is a big upgrade over the $540,000 base salary the 25-year-old former Hokie made in 2012.

No matter how much Chancellor makes in the NFL, I'll always think of two things when I hear his name:

1) Those local radio spots former Houston Comets head coach Van Chancellor used to do back in the 90s. You know the ones I'm talking about. They were about some fancy type of basketball hoop, and his grandson "Little Niko" was a recurring character.

2) The time my buddy Tony saw Van Chancellor in the stands of an Astros game about ten years ago.

Drunk Astros fan (upon seeing Van Chancellor): "Hey, don't I know you?"

(Van Chancellor doesn't really have time to respond)

Drunk Astros fan (as his eyes light up with the realization that it's Rudy Tomjanovich in front of him): "LET'S, GO, RO-CKETS!" (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap) "LET'S, GO, RO-CKETS!" (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap) "LET'S, GO, RO-CKETS!"


Revis not a huge fan of the new Jets GM

Darrelle Revis had never met new New York Jets general manager John Idzik until last Wednesday, when the two shook hands for the first time at the team's practice facility. This is how Revis described a portion of their conversation when speaking to reporters on Monday, only hours after the trade to Tampa Bay was made official:

Idzik: "Do you want to be a Jet?"

Revis (in a self-described state of disbelief): "Why would you ask me that question?"

Idzik then told the star cornerback he would remain a Jet.

Then, less than a week later, he traded him. And Bill Barnwell got to write another article showing his displeasure with the moves being made by an NFL front office. And Revis let everyone know how little he appreciated Idzik's lies:

"Definitely I feel like I haven't gotten the truth," Revis said in a quiet moment after his introductory press conference in Tampa on Monday. "Anybody can sit here and tell you to your face, ‘Yeah, you're going to be a Jet.' But what's the truth out of it? What's really true?" He later added, "I know it's a lie."


Eric Decker just showing off to the world

Denver Broncos receiver Eric Decker and his wife, country singer Jessie James, are rolling out a new reality show late this summer:

The new Love and Other Contact Sports franchise will take viewers inside the confines of even more celebrity/athlete romances starting with country/pop singer Jessie James and her fiancé, Denver Broncos wide receiver Eric Decker whose wedding is quickly approaching. The series will chronicle the sexy young couple's road to the altar as they juggle careers, relationships, family and more. Currently residing in their Denver dream home, they share an ambition to succeed, a charmingly fun and unfiltered outlook on life, and most of all, a red-hot attraction for each other.

I had never heard of James until Monday night, but she clearly has talent if she's singing songs that were written by Katy Perry. I also Google Imaged her last night. This was a rewarding experience. It totally messed up my sleep cycle, just like when I first found out about Joan Jett's music. And that's a fact, Jack.


It's come to this for Karlos Dansby

Free agent linebacker Karlos Dansby is in Buffalo today, visiting with the Bills. Dansby arrived on Monday.


For all the Glover Quin lovers, enjoy

Tennesee Titans quarterback Jake Locker said Monday that three months after undergoing surgery on his left shoulder, he feels "great."