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2013 NFL Draft: Minter Is Coming

When it seems like all the draft experts' forecasts are wildly incongruous, sometimes you just have to take the Korena Route on guessing who your team will take in the late first round. That is, choose like a girl who wins her bracket despite knowing nothing about college basketball. Base your pick off of something completely unrelated to true sports analysis, such as your theory that Rick Smith models his first round draft picks according to their ability to provide material for name-inspired puns.

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Is #MinterComing?
Is #MinterComing?
Joe Murphy

It's time.

Count me out of the crowd that is hoping for Rick Smith to trade out of the first round. With the 27th pick of the 2013 NFL Draft, the Houston Texans will select Kevin Minter, linebacker, Louisiana State University.

Game of Thrones - "Starks are always right eventually. Winter is coming." (via friendlycakeasaurus)

You heard it here first: #MinterIsComing. He survived the first 31 picks of Battle Red Blog's recently concluded mock draft, finally taken by Baltimore with the last pick of the first round. That means it is somewhat plausible. And when he walks up onto that stage for his bro hug with Roger Goodell tonight, it will harken a golden era of hashtag creativity for Texans fans the world over. In less than 12 hours, we will all be able to add one more perfect name to our collective repertoire of witty, recyclable player-hashtag-puns used in lauding the play of our team's defense.

The player-hashtag-puns at our disposal on this side of the ball are already an embarrassment of riches. Watt, Reed, Mercilus, yet another Reed. We even used to have a guy whose first name was Mario, the equivalent of being attacked by a slow-moving, Level 1 mushroom in the world of player-hashtag-puns. Minter's addition would be huge in this department. It would authorize endless "Game of Thrones" references for one, even when they hold no relevance to the discussion at hand.

Game Of Thrones Daenerys Targaryen's Unsullied Army "a dragon is not a slave" (via DigitalCouchPotato)

AHHHH. Khaleesi. Hot, a badass, and a true leader. If she can get the Unsullied fighting force to follow her, just think what she could do with the Texans' special teams units. Either that, or we should make her a player/coach for the cheerleading squad. I have no doubt she would excel at either position, and that if anything went wrong, she would merely have her ‘roided out foreign boyfriends pour boiling vats of molten gold onto people's heads.

Khal Drogo kills Viserys HQ (via jaskotel2)

The NBA playoffs are much more important in my world these days than reading the latest rumors about how many surgeries Dee Milliner has had. I don't watch tape; I can't evaluate college talent; I suck at having conversations about the draft. All I know is this: if my friend Korena, a girl who fills out her bracket based upon which teams have the coolest uniforms, can win two Tournament brackets this year just because she liked the sleeves affixed to Louisville's jerseys, I could be right about this pick. After all:

Plus, Korena also won big money in the 2009 Tournament pool, mainly because of her UConn Final Four pick. She wrote it as "Yukon" on her bracket.


Scene: Some bar in Houston, January 2014. Just a few hours ago, the Texans secured their first ever conference championship, beating the Patriots at home, 35-30. Two fans unwittingly cannot help but speak in language heavily infiltrated by player-hashtag-puns. They are standing outside in the cold, smoking cigarettes.

Jack: "I don't know when it's going to hit me, man: Houston Texans. AFC champions."

Colby: "Dude! I knew first thing when I saw our team come out of the tunnel tonight that we were gonna win. I just felt it. There was something about those #BattleReed jerseys that just gave me chills."

Jack: "Oh please. Stop it. You say that now, but look me in the eyes and say, ‘I knew we were going to stop the Patriots from scoring on the last drive when they got inside our own 10 yard line.'"

Colby: "I knew we were going to stop the Patriots from scoring on the last drive when they got inside our own 10 yard line. Look, I was obviously nervous, too, just like everyone else. How could you not be in that situation? I'm just saying, I knew."

Jack: "Well please let me know the next time you get a feeling like that, and I'll find some way to monetize this sensation. All I ‘know' is that we would have gotten blown out had Wade not redrawn the game plan at the half. #WattAnAdjustment that was."

Colby: "It was like a totally different team out there in the third quarter."

Jack: "That dude at Battle Red Blog, can't remember his name, has been saying it since last season: ‘Don't blitz Tom Brady on every single play.'"

Colby: "Glad Wade reads that site."

Jack: "Haha what if Wade is one of the dudes who comments on every post?"

Colby: "Do you think he's one of those guys that gets weirdly defensive about Joan Jett every time that one writer makes fun of her?"

Jack: "Anything is possible."

Colby: "'That's a fact, Jack.'"

Joan Jett - I Hate Myself For Loving You [ Original HQ ] (via spacialkritur)

Jack: "I hate that song."

Colby: "I hate Faith Hill's ‘Sunday Night Football' version of it even more."

Jack: "Where does Pink's version rank?"

Colby: "Even worse than Faith Hill's."

Jack: "I see."

Colby: "You know what's better than Faith Hill singing a Joan Jett song, though?"

Jack: "What?"

Colby: "The Houston Texans going to the Super Bowl!"

Jack: "#JesusMaryAndJohnathanJoseph, #Manning. I haven't seen anyone just give away something of such importance since Moses' mother placed him in that basket amidst the #BrooksReeds. What a #Reediculous finish!"

Colby: "I know. The Patriots had that game. And they were looking unstoppable on that last drive until they got into the Red Zone. #WattADeflection on that first down pass play."

Jack: "I know! Hernandez was wide open, too. All Brady had to do was get him the ball. That play by J.J. may have saved the season right there, to be honest. But of course, who is going to remember it ten years from now when we've all seen about 1,000 highlights of that #MercilusTackle on third down that nearly ended Stevan Ridley's life?"

Colby: "If you had told me at any point after last year's AFC Championship Game that someone would hit Ridley even harder in the same game one year later, I would've done all I could to try and befriend Stevan Ridley in the offseason and convince him that it's best to just retire right now."

Stevan Ridley Knocked Out By Bernard Pollard (via Patent4Life99)

Jack: "That sounds like the plot for a Scott Bakula show."

Colby: "Excellent reference to Scott Bakula, really combining his 'Quantum Leap' days with his football acting background in 'Necessary Roughness'."

Necessary Roughness (10/10) Movie CLIP - Going for the Win (1991) HD (via movieclips)

Jack: "I still say to this day, when Southwest Texas changed its name to Texas State, they had a golden opportunity to change the logo and colors to what that Bakula team wore in the movie, and then retire Sinbad's, Bakula's and Kathy Ireland's numbers before the game. Could have had a ceremony and everything."

Colby: "You're really wasting your talents in your current job. You know that, right?"

Jack: "I really wish my job was time travel designed to save football players from taking excessive hits to the head, with the way Ridley went down tonight. But honestly, I blame Brady for calling that play. Our old man safety may not be as fast as he once was, but he can #ReedThatPlayAllDay."

Colby (getting up in Jack's face in a jokingly aggressive manner): "What about some Brady getting stuffed for no gain on fourth down, though!"

Jack (reciprocating): "What about some ‘Dark Man,' though?"

Liam Neesons & Bruce Willy from Peter Atencio on Vimeo.

Colby: "'Don't even TRY being Russian around Kevin Minters!'"

Jack: "More like don't even try and be ‘rushin'' around Kevin Minters!"

Colby (silence): (Takes long drag of cigarette)

Jack: "Too much?"

Colby: "A little bit, yes. Seriously, though, a QB sneak with the game on the line like that? Belichick has got to wish he could have that one back."

Jack: "I'm just glad Rick Smith took Kevin Minter in the first round last offseason."

Colby: "Play of the game from the pick of the draft. At least from the Texans' portion of the draft."

Jack: "Play of the season!"

Colby: "Considering the fact that it ended the Patriots' final drive by two inches, and that a first down there basically wins the game, yes, I would agree."

Jack: "Oh man I just thought of the greatest hashtag! ‘#MinterIsComing.'"

Colby: "I don't get it."

Jack: "Do you watch ‘Game of Thrones'?"

Colby: "No."

Jack: "You should, man."

Colby: "Probably not going to."

Jack: "Then you will never understand that joke I just made."

Colby: "I'm sure it would have elicited nothing more than a chuckle even if I did. Which I don't, because I'm not really that into hobbits and rings and whatever else. More of a sports fan. Ya know, guy stuff."

Jack: "One, you clearly haven't seen the show if you're implying it's for girls. Two, you're an assh*le. Three, I'm texting you the link right now to the YouTube clip from the best Thrones scene ever, and I want you to watch it when you get home. If you don't dream about Khaleesi in your sleep tonight, just know, Chris Kluwe will never judge you."

Colby: "Thanks."

Jack: "Not that there's anything wrong with that!"

Not that there's anything wrong with that (via GottaLaff)

Colby: "Of course not. Segueing off of this topic, how bad do your boxers smell right about now if you're a 49ers fan? You're facing the Texans in the Super Bowl, and your starting quarterback is Colt McCoy."

Jack: "I can't believe Kaepernick did that."

Colby: "Let's not talk about it. It just upsets me."

Jack: "AHHHH! Do you realize what just happened tonight? I CAN'T BELIEVE WE BEAT THE PATRIOTS IN THE AFC CHAMPIONSHIP GAME."

Colby: "I never thought this day would come."

Jack: "Dude let's go inside. I'm freezing my ass off out here."

Colby: "Well, it is January. Why didn't you bring your #MinterCoat?"

Jack: "Good one, bro."

Colby: "I'll be here all night."