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Battle Red Newswire: Hail to RGIII, Chief Of The Redtails

Bad news for Texans fans is that right tackle Derek Newton will be out until training camp at the earliest. Good news for Redskins fans is that Laurence Fishburne may soon be the team's new ambassador. Plus, a special shout out to the man left hanging by my boy Chandler Parsons.

By Bayless Parsley
Oh, poop.
Oh, poop.
Bob Levey

Houston Texans News

Good Thing We Got Some Tackles

Houston may have drafted offensive tackles Brennan Williams and David Quessenberry for a reason other than Best Player Available, it turns out. Derek Newton, who started 14 games at right tackle in 2012, will likely be out until training camp as he recovers from offseason surgery on the patella tendon in his right knee. This isn't exactly news, as we had expected as much since March, and there still isn't really a clear timetable for Newton's return. All we know, and keep in mind that our only source is an interview Gary Kubiak gave Nick Scurfield on Monday, is that the team is moving ahead under the assumption that Newton will miss the entire spring offseason.

Newton himself is not a font of information, but his one-line life updates are really encouraging.

And, my favorite:

Like Derek, my reaction to this can be summed up by three simple letters.

But there is a bright side.

We're one month closer to football season.

*****

Only Nine More Days

For those who seriously cannot jive with other sports and just absolutely need Texans football in their lives, mark it down on your calendars: rookie mini-camp, May 10-12. All nine Texans' draft picks will be there, as will the bevy of Undrafted Free Agents.

Full team organized team activities will begin on May 20.

I just noticed that the Houston Chronicle headline writer already used the word "bevy" to describe our brood of UDFAs. Such a good word.

*****

Matt Schaub Talks Poop

Matt Schaub talking about poop in a Charmin print ad cannot be real.

Insert inevitable DeAndre Hopkins poop joke here.

*****

Oh, Justin. Justin, Justin, Justin.

Ben Jones has a well-documented dislike of school and is about to turn the corner towards the home stretch in finishing up on his degree from Georgia. Finals are approaching, and he's not stoked.

Where I come from, that is a way of asking without asking that your boys with an Adderall prescription to please holler back with a DM.

It better not be in Jones' case, a) because that would not be good if followed by a drug test, and b) because he doesn't need the degree at the moment. The last thing we need is for Jones to go the route of Jacksonville wide receiver Justin Blackmon, who got suspended on Tuesday for the first four games of the season. We don't know why exactly, but we do know that he's not doing what everyone does these days under the guise of a need for increased focus. Blackmon may have left college early, but he is not concerned with "school mode" during the offseason.

So what was it? Steroids? Deer antler juice? Purple drank? Herb? Props to the NFL for being able to keep the true causes of failed drug tests secret in the post-privacy era. It's really annoying, by the way.

Unfortunately for the Texans, Blackmon's suspension does not run through Week 12, when the division rivals teams in the same division meet for the first time. Unfortunately for Blackmon, the true cost of his suspension may be much worse than missing a few games and a few paychecks.

*****

Around the NFL

Hail To RGIII, Chief Of The Great Redtail Nation

The debate over the Redskins name just won't end, possibly because it's an extremely racist term and it is now 2013. This time, it's D.C. Council member David Grosso who has announced his plans to pursue a non-binding resolution calling on the team to finally make a change.

Grosso, an independent elected in 2012, is currently looking for co-sponsors and a general show of support from the other 12 members of the council. Thus far, he claims he has obtained pledges of the latter from two of them.

Ah, the good old "non-binding resolution," dear to the hearts of diplomats the world over. If it works in Syria, it will for sure work in our nation's capital. The Washington D.C. city council passing a non-binding resolution asking that the Washington Redskins change their name would be sort of like telling new Arizona cornerback Tyrann Mathieu that he isn't actually going to be drug tested after all, but that maybe, if he wants, perhaps he just shouldn't smoke spice anymore. We all know that Honey Badger smokes what he wants, given the opportunity. Just like it's perfectly logical that Dan Snyder would prefer to keep a historic name and logo that the majority of his fan base likes, if given the opportunity.

Straight talk: It will take a team owner who majored in anthropology to make the change, especially to the name Grosso is suggesting: the Washington Redtails.

Yes, like the Tuskegee Airmen.

In his resolution, Grosso urges the team to change its name to the Washington Redtails, noting that that was the nickname used by the Tuskegee Airmen, the pioneering aviation unit that broke the color barrier for U.S. military pilots in World War II. A plane used by the airmen recently was put in a place of honor in the Smithsonian.

The Redtails has a pretty nice ring to it, if you open your mind and let it sit for a moment. It's certainly better than the Washington Pigskins, the most tenured suggested replacement name, and one that also tries to borrow a word from the current name in the hopes that Skins fans just wouldn't notice the difference. After all, you'd still be able to say, "I'm a 'Skins fan." Redtails goes in a totally different direction. Instead of memorializing the derogatory term once dear to the lips of every U.S. soldier on the frontier, the reigning NFC East champions would suddenly become a living memorial to a group of African-American soldiers who fought in that very same army, albeit about 50 years after the Indian Wars came to an end. This would mesh perfectly with the NFL's previously existing marketing boner for all things U.S. military. Plus, Grosso said a change to the Redtails would be relatively seamless.

"You can still sing the song and everything," said Grosso, before singing, "Hail . . . to the . . . Redtails."

Just as importantly, Grosso said, "You can still keep the feather."

You can still, keep, the feather. I love this, even if I don't entirely understand it. Are there feathers associated with the Tuskegee Airmen? No? Google says no, at least. I'm open to historians who know more. And I'm not anti-feather or anything. Feathers are awesome. Who doesn't like feathers? Feathers it is. Keeping the feathers.

But since Grosso is willing to make this concession, perhaps I can be of help in offering up a compromise logo. I saw a man wearing this shirt in an Austin bar last January, and I took a picture of it, knowing it would come in handy one day.

Chief_rgiii_medium

Today, it seems, is that day. Hail to RGIII, Chief of the Redtails. (Editor's Note: If they ever change the name, how could you not call them the Washington Hogs?)

*****

Hines Ward Is More Polite Mike Wallace.

Former wide receiver Hines Ward doesn't think the NFL is ready for a Jason Collins, but he let the world know in a much more polite manner than Mike Wallace.

"I don't think football is ready, there's too many guys in the locker room and, you know, guys play around too much," Ward said during a Tuesday interview on NBC Sports Radio.

Fair enough. It will still happen/has already happened. Waiting on you, Kerry Rhodes.

Speaking of Mike Wallace's manners, you know you're a football fan if this joke makes sense to you:

Could have been better executed, of course. The hamburgers/cheesburgers dichotomy isn't all that creative.

But this is what the comments section is for.

*****

Geno Is Genot Happy About Being Picked In The Second Round

New York Jets quarterback Geno Smith and Baltimore Ravens linebacker Elvis Dumervil should totally fax one another to share war stories about incompetent agents. Smith, once presumed to be a first round lock, if not the top quarterback of the 2013 draft class, has fired the men he allegedly holds responsible for his fall to the second round.

The New York Daily News reported Tuesday that Smith's motive for firing his agents was because he legitimately felt he should have been the number one overall pick. Not just should have, but would have, if not for these men. This, despite the fact that Kansas City had just traded for a veteran starting quarterback in Alex Smith, and pretty much telegraphed the entire time that they were taking an offensive tackle. Smith, of course, denies his poor draft showing was the motive for severing ties:

"I don't want to shed too much light on it," Smith said on SiriusXM radio. "The thing that I can tell you is that it's not because of the whole draft experience. It's not because of one particular incident. There's a number of things. And that story, you know, that battle will be fought on a different day. As of right now, I don't feel too comfortable talking about all the details of it.

"I want to make it known that I was never bitter about where I was selected because it's a great selection," Smith said. "Like I've always stated, whether it was one or the last pick of the draft, I was going to come in with the right mentality and that's to get better and compete daily. I'm extremely ecstatic to be a part of the Jets organization. . . . I'm glad they picked me where they did.

"I'm not bitter about where I was selected, because I'm on a great team and I'm in a great position," he added.

Would I agree with that last statement? Gee, no.

*****

Obligatory Tebow Reference

Will Tim Tebow be playing in Omaha? Does anyone care? Did I even read this article?

As Tebow's replacement in New York would say, "Gee, no."

*****

I Want To Sit In A Seat At The Future Falcons Stadium Just For A Good Time, No Football.

The Georgia World Congress Center issued a report on Tuesday laying out the prospective designs and features of the potential new Atlanta Falcons stadium. While the current Falcons stadium, the Georgia Dome, is horrible, this new one has the potential to be straight out of a movie about the future. Example: one proposition involves seats that vibrate with every hit. Yes, please.

You can check out the full report here, or just read this perfectly crafted review on Deadspin. There's no way anyone could top this anyway, so I won't waste my time trying.

*****

While We're All Still Here

Getting Left Hanging By An NBA Player On Live TV: The Worst

Is Chandler Parson's remorse the product of my social media outreach? Timestamp don't lie. The argument could be made.

Those able to stay awake long enough to take in the final play of the Houston Rockets' series-extending, 105-103 Game 4 win over Oklahoma City on Monday night may have witnessed the Kodak moment that occurred shortly after Serge Ibaka's put back fell short. Parsons, fresh off of a 27 point/10 rebound/8 assist performance, completely left his boy hanging on national TV:

Fist Bump Fail - Thunder vs Rockets (via SpuddsBuckley)

As the wealthy, white courtside seat holder withdrew his untouched fist in veiled shame, I sat, mouth agape, as the announcers made no mention of what had just transpired. I waited for my phone to start blowing up with the usual reaction texts to something like this. It didn't beep a single time. No one had noticed. If only I knew how those people who make .gifs do what they do, I would have made one immediately. I then went to bed.

The next morning, I re-watched the second half, then made a collage.

Parsons_leaves_a_man_hanging_medium

And that was a solid three hours before Parsons got around to acknowledging how much he'd embarrassed the poor rich guy.

Now, many will claim that Patrick Patterson beat me to the punch by several hours:

And timestamp don't lie. They're right.

And those same people will point out that the entire Internet had in fact noticed, as evidenced by the more than one million Google hits that prove this. They're right, too.

Just let me have my moment. My Delfino Face Moment.

Carlos Delfino's posterizing dunk on Durant! (via NBA)

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