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Battle Red Newswire: D.J. Swearinger, Please Don't Hurt Me

Ed Reed already having hip surgery, eh? Awesome news. At least we drafted a safety that looks like he may actually kill someone on the field of play in 2013. Also, my dad got to throw out the first pitch at an Astros game on Friday. It didn't go well. But at least he looked good.

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Please don't hurt me.
Please don't hurt me.

Houston Texans News

Ed Reed now has more hip surgeries than starts as a Texan.

When news broke late last week that Ed Reed had recently undergone arthroscopic surgery to repair a small labral tear in his hip, everyone just assumed it must not be a huge deal. My roommate worked as an orthopedic cabana boy for years, witnessing thousands of surgeries and getting to play dress up in doctor's scrubs for a living, and even he said it wasn't that serious. Which is why when we initially found out about it, Tim was all like:

"Presumably, the Texans were fully informed about Reed's condition before they signed him, so we must assume this isn't something with which they're overly concerned."

After all, that's why free agents all undergo physicals before a team will sign them. Especially 34-year-old safeties.

On Monday, we discovered that there are some ailments that either a physical can't detect, or can't predict.


Bob McNair, naturally, is projecting a sense of confidence that Reed will be fine.

While Wade Phillips sounds a tad more worried. Which has me worried.

"If it had been right after the season it'd have been different," Phillips said. "There's a little concern but the good thing about him is he's experienced it before, he's an experienced guy. You have no problem with him studying or knowing what you're doing. He's gonna spend all the time it takes off the field to get ready. I think Ed will be ready when it's time."

Hope everyone is ready for Shiloh Keo playing a lot this year.


It Is Right to Give Him Thanks and Praise.

This reminder of Reed's fragility only increases the gratitude I feel towards God and Rick Smith for the fact that we landed former South Carolina safety D.J. Swearinger on draft day. His college YouTube presence already conveys the vibe of a man waiting to get fined at least ten times in 2013. If we want to ever remove this "soft against the Patriots" label, we need a "fine guy," and we need the same kind of swagger that brings you #Clemsoning.

Plus, Swearinger is just so encouraging.

And he's been teaching me all sorts of new words and ways of expressing things that I never knew before.

Do I have any idea what this word means? Of course I do not. But it sounds cool, right? That's what's important. From now on, send me a text that seeks to ascertain what it is that I am doing, and you'll get a one-word hashtag stolen from D.J. Swearinger in reply.



Cushing "Chomping At The Bit."

This will come as no surprise to anyone, but Brian Cushing is a tad bit ready for the season to start after missing more than half of 2012 with a torn ACL. Gary Kubiak's words from Monday:

"I'm watching him today, he sure looks like he's ready to go," Texans coach Gary Kubiak said Monday. "I know that it's not time to turn him loose yet, but he's come a long way. What'd he miss, 11 games last year plus two playoff games? You don't get that time back in this league, so I know he's chomping at the bit and ready to go."

Seems like a perfect opportunity to relive the "Ain't no puppies out here" moment that we've all watched hundreds of times.

Brian Cushing (Sound FX) (via sendphits)

And I still can't tell if he was being sarcastic or serious on his review of how sweet his arms looked that day on the big screen.


Collin Klein Working On His Raising Motion.

Gary Kubiak reiterated Monday that undrafted free agent Collin Klein will have the opportunity to show what he can do at the quarterback position during this weekend's rookie minicamp:

"There's been a lot of talk if he'd play tight end if he'd do this, if he'd do that. The bottom line is we're bringing him in as a quarterback to see how far he's come as a quarterback."

Klein is competing for a spot in a rotation that already includes Matt Schaub, T.J. Yates, Case Keenum and Stephen McGee. The Texans have stated that they plan to take only four quarterbacks into training camp. TexansDC has more here for anyone that wants to get an initial idea of how realistic it is that Klein makes the cut.

It's no secret that Klein's throwing motion hurts his chances. But what he lacks in traditional quarterbacking traits, he may just make up for in the Snake Factor. How many people here already knew that former Cardinals and Broncos quarterback Jake Plummer has been mentoring Klein since February?

For some reason, whenever I think Plummer, I think, "raising the roof." There was some game during the heyday of athletes raising the roof in which the then Arizona State quarterback ran around the field doing that in celebration, and #ThingsThatHappenedBeforeTheYouTubeEraProblems are preventing me from being able to track it down. I distinctly remember Plummer's infectious enthusiasm inspiring his middle aged white coach, Bruce Snyder, to start raising the roof as well. It was quite a sight, and it could be what Plummer is working on with Klein as well.

The X factor. Klein is bringing it back. Get out your Starter jackets, gentlemen.


Around the NFL

Honey Badger Saving Money On His New PHX.

Kudos to Bud's Glass Joint, a Phoenix-area head shop, for its creativity and initiative in seizing the moment created by the Arizona Cardinals' selection of Tyrann Mathieu in the third round of this year's draft.

Though news of the existence of this ad did not reach me until yesterday, it went viral on Sunday, three days after the owner of Bud's Glass Joint placed his welcome message to the Honey Badger in the Phoenix New Times.

There have apparently been negative reactions to the ad. The word "tasteless" has been thrown out there. As much as I wish I could say this shocked me, the Joan Jett experience taught me a valuable lesson. Some people just don't get it.


So We've Got Mathieu Pitching Bongs, And CJ2K Pitching Boobs.

Thanks to Paul Kuharsky for looking out.

Kuharsky speaks no lies.

The best part, aside from it being B.Y.O.B., is that the Yellow Rose is importing girls from Orlando and Atlanta just for the event.


Weekly Update on Rolando McClain's Court Appearances.

Remember the infamous "providing false information to a police officer" Rolando McClain arrest? Not the most recent arrest, but the one from January:

Officers arrested NFL player Rolando McClain on a charge of giving a false name to law enforcement Tuesday after he signed a citation for overly dark window tint as "(Expletive) y'all," Decatur police said.

When a patrol supervisor asked McClain to put his real name on the ticket, McClain told the sergeant, "That is my name," said police spokesman Lt. John Crouch.

Crouch said McClain, 23, who was booked into Decatur City Jail shortly after 4 p.m. on the misdemeanor and the window tint violation, could have avoided arrest simply by signing his name to the ticket.

He was released on $1,000 cash bail a short time later.

"I'm falsely accused of everything," the Oakland Raiders linebacker said before climbing into his white Chevrolet Silverado Z-71 and driving from the parking lot of City Hall. "It's corrupt. It's terrible."

Under Alabama law, a person commits a crime if he gives a false name to an officer "with intent to mislead the officer."

It is hands down the greatest McClain arrest of all time, and the embattled Baltimore Ravens linebacker was supposed to appear in court for it today. But the Baltimore Sun reported Monday that McClain had successfully avoided having to do so by just paying the online fine for the window tint charge alone. It cost him $186, and whatever associated fees.

Stay tuned for the next update on July 9, his scheduled court appearance in relation to his "F*** the police!" arrest from last April. Thanks to Arthur Brown, McClain may not even be in the NFL at that point.


Vikings Pass On Cris Carter's Son.

Sorry, Duron. Looks like you'll have to keep working.

Somewhere out there, Cayden Cochran is happy he doesn't have to pretend any longer that he doesn't hate Duron Carter.


Aaron Rodgers Will Appear On "The Office."

Apparently this show is still on the air. It used to be my favorite show.


Colin Kaepernick: Huge Alex Smith Fan.

No one outside of Kansas City is rooting harder for the Chiefs this season than the good people of San Francisco.

As part of the Alex Smith trade, K.C. still owes San Francisco a conditional pick in the 2014 draft. What round that pick falls in depends on how well the Chiefs do in 2013. If they finish at .500 or better, the pick automatically becomes a second rounder. If they finish with a losing record, it becomes a third rounder.


Mario Williams Doing What A Man Should Do.

Mario Williams was supposed to get married to a Houston girl named Erin Marzouki. Then she broke it off. He asked for his $785,000, 10.04-carat diamond ring back. She refused. So he is suing her.

If you feel like scrolling through the lawsuit, you can do so below.

The lawsuit

My favorite part is each and every time the lawyers who wrote the suit describe Marzouki's actions as having "absconded with the diamond engagement ring."

For those who don't know what the word "absconded" means, you can just watch the video below. It conveys pretty much the exact same message as the ten-page, verbose legal document.

Kanye West - Gold Digger (feat. Jamie Foxx) (via MrJanoon)

And let the records show that I fully support the Plaintiff's case.


While We're All Still Here

The Bob Leaves It Short.

By some strange design, my dad, The Bob, got to throw out the first pitch at Friday's Astros game. I think someone famous must have cancelled last minute, but we'll never know for sure. All I do know is that the woman who handles The Bob's season ticket account called him up out of the blue Friday morning and asked if he wanted to do it.

Obviously, he wants to do it. The man has been an Astros fan since he went to the first ever Colt .45s game. And obviously, his only son is going to get off work early and drive home from Austin to help him warm up. I don't want my dad embarrassing our family out there, seeing as he's 59, not in shape, and hasn't thrown a baseball since I quit playing at age 14. The last thing I want is for my dad to leave it short out there.

We agreed that he needed to milk this opportunity. When he gets on the mound, really take his time. Check the runners, play with the rosin bag, get the signal, shake it off, get another signal, agree. Check the runners again. Maybe step off the mound, collect himself. All the stuff that happens in a real game.

The Bob Warms Up for the First Pitch at the Astros Game (via billyparsley)

"Don't leave it short," is all I kept telling him. You can't be the guy that leaves it short. Everyone leaves it short, and it's always sad to see, because the mound is really just not that far away. "Throw it over the catcher's head if you have to, but don't leave it short."

When the time came, I was in the first row, taking pictures. Sadly, there is no clear video record of what happened, though the Astros have promised to send it to us. The Bob strolled out to the mound. He put his foot on the rubber, and it was immediately obvious that he was scared. Because he didn't check the runner. He didn't take the signs. He didn't play with an imaginary rosin bag. He just wound up to throw, without collecting himself one bit. And of course, he threw the ball a good two feet in front of the plate.

He left it short. The Bob brought shame upon our family.

But at least he looked good while doing it. He was wearing his trademark Astros Hawaiian shirt.