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Houston Texans Newswire: Glad I'm Not A Spurs Fan This Morning

In the absence of real Texans news of any kind, let's all reflect upon what could have been in Miami last night. Check out today's edition of the Newswire.

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Houston Texans News

Texans Mt. Rushmore Picks Are In.

The good people at Pro Football Talk have finally selected our Mt. Rushmore representatives: Bob McNair, Andre Johnson, J.J. Watt and Arian Foster.

And with that, we conclude the Texans portion of the Newswire, because there is nothing else at all to discuss. I could get into Arian Foster rapping, but without any clips to show you, I just think it's best we all wait.

Thank God we have the NBA Finals (and for all the people who have extremely weak reasons for hating basketball, one of the best Stanley Cup Finals I can remember) to capture our attention these days. Which reminds me: Houston sports fans, are you doing the "The Rockets haven't been good for a long time so I'm now a Spurs fan" routine, or are you rooting against the Spurs like me? If you like the Texans, you should really root for the Heat right now, because you'd be supporting Andre Johnson. And hasn't Andre Johnson done a lot for you?

I hate the Heat, but it's a lesser of two evils deal that is forcing my hand. And since The Bob always told me that regardless of what I do, I just need to do it to the best of my ability, I'm doing a White Out at my girlfriend's apartment for Game 7. May even bring a bottle of cologne to spray in the air every time Lebron does something good.

Instead of the baby powder routine, cologne. Right up into the air. You should all do the same for your own respective #SarcasticWhiteOut.


Around the NFL

This Is Why You Don't Make ALS Jokes.

Let's all give a hand for the three Atlanta radio personalities who somehow didn't realize that making fun of a famous football player stricken with Lou Gehrig's Disease on the air could maybe be a bad idea. Steve Gleason has forgiven 790 The Zone hosts Nick Cellini, Steak Shapiro and Chris Dimino, but the ultra-competitive sports radio field may not be as understanding.


Suddenly, Gronk's Back Doesn't Seem Nearly As Big Of A Deal.

New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski had back surgery on Tuesday. The team's other star tight end, meanwhile, appears to be getting involved in a murder investigation. Massachusetts State Police and prosecutors paid a visit to the North Attleborough home of Aaron Hernandez Tuesday evening to search the premises and, according to some reports, interview Hernandez himself to discuss the death of a man police describe as his "associate."

Here are things that sound very bad right now if you're a Patriots fan:

- The body was found in an industrial park located near Hernandez's house.

- A rental car found near the scene had been taken out in Hernandez's name.

- Hernandez has been described by two police sources as having been initially uncooperative with police.

- Two of Hernandez's friends tried to leave his house right as police were arriving, but a cop car stopped them from doing so by blocking the end of the driveway.

- A 14-year-old girl who lives near Hernandez was completely unconcerned about the fact that a man had just been murdered. When interviewed by ABC News, Rachel Mayer simply said, "We need the Patriots to win."


"There are two ‘Rs' in ‘Barron.'"

Tampa Bay Buccaneers cornerback Darrelle Revis certainly knows that fact, now that he has written his new teammate a $50,000 check for the rights to wear the no. 24.

If Revis becomes one of those broke former NFL stars in five years, remember this.


Watch Out, Here Comes Cleveland.

Cleveland Browns first round pick Barkevious Mingo thinks his team's defense could be the best in the league in 2013. As of now, though, he won't be a part of it, because he still hasn't signed.

By the way, did you realize that only two of the league's top ten picks from this year's draft have signed with their respective teams? Ziggy Ansah and Tavon Austin are the only ones so far.


"Hard Knocks" Not Getting Soft.

They're not cutting the scenes of players getting cut. I don't know why this is even news. That's the entire point of the show. It's part of the double entendre that is the show's title.


I Wish "Hard Knocks" Would Cover The Lions.

Just so we could all watch Havard Rugland try to make YouTube history by being the first NFL player to make a team roster due to a trick shot video that went viral.

Kickalicious™ (via bighdeluxe)

Terrible nickname, by the way. There has to be something better we can think of in Norwegian.


Jake Locker Taking Control Of Titans Locker Room.

Tennessee Titans offensive coordinator Dowell Loggains says his second year quarterback has made leadership a priority this offseason. Blah blah blah.