Houston Texans Newswire: Cutting Hernandez Ain't Cheap

Houston Texans News

Someone Call Jason Babin.

And let him know that he doesn't have to fly to Pamplona to run with the bulls.

No offense to the Houston Texans organization or H-E-B, which is sponsoring this 5K, but the Pamplona version looks a lot more fun. You get to drink Battle Red wine out of leather pouches all night the night before, party in a city full of people decked head to toe in Liberty White, and then sleep in a rose bush with Steel Blue balls after striking out with all the foreign girls. Then, when the rising sun wakes you from your slumber, you get to stumble over to the starting line, take your place among the crowd, and run only about the length of a football field before making a triumphant entry into a stadium packed with spectators. These spectators shower you with applause and affection, while a series of baby bulls run amok on the stadium floor, one at a time, trying to gouge your eyes out.

Or, if you do what I did, you can buy into the notion that "you can't outrun the bulls." Let me tell you: this is not true. If it was a 5K, then it would be. But it's less than a 1K, meaning you can absolutely outrun the bulls. The real warning people should receive is that once you start running, you can't stop, or else you'll get stampeded by the people behind you. Start too early, or run too fast, and you'll make it into the stadium before a single bull has caught up with you. You don't want to be that guy. The guy who is showered with vociferous boos and catcalling in lieu of the applause reserved for the people who run with the bulls, not far ahead of and away from them. Which is why I will be back in Pamplona before I would sign up for the 5K that starts at Reliant. I can't live out my days with this shame.

Sorry, H-E-B. I do like the name of the event, though. It's very clever. And I also like the Whataburger products you're selling these days.

*****

Someone, Please Check My Brain For The Cells That Make Obvious Connections.

Am I the only Texans fan on the planet who just realized that Connor Barwin was making a reference to this classic tune of my junior high days when he coined that now infamous hashtag?

Rage Against The Machine: Bulls On Parade (via masterofacdcsuckaS)

It came on the radio the other day. The light bulb instantly turned on. I don't know what is wrong with me. I deserve to be booed.

*****

Nuk Is Also The Man.

I don't know when this trend of pro basketball and football players liking soccer began, but I like it. Among the Texans, Whitney Mercilus has already made known his love for the Houston Dynamo. And now, DeAndre Hopkins has joined him. It's only a matter of time before Hopkins turns D.J. Swearinger onto this. I eagerly await the day in which Jungle Boi announces to the world on a swag-filled Instagram video his love for the beautiful game. I'm sure it will involve the words "Messi" and "turn up."

(But I'm not sure being a fan of Barcelona and Real Madrid makes much sense, Nuk.)

*****

Around the NFL

Cutting Hernandez Ain't Free.

So apparently there is no financial incentive to cut accused murderers in the NFL. The New England Patriots will have to deal with this fact for several years to come, thanks to the always onerous (and in this case, unfortunately named) burden of "dead money" that any player's release creates.

It was less than one year ago that Aaron Hernandez was putting his signature on a five-year, $40 million contract extension, a deal which included $16 million in guaranteed money. The Patriots' decision on Wednesday to do "the right thing" for the first time ever leaves them with a dead money figure of over $12 million for Hernandez, spread out between the 2013 and 2014 seasons. For the uninitiated, dead money is a cap charge for players no longer on a team's roster.

If the experiences of Michael Vick or Ricky Williams serve as a guide, the Patriots will most likely be able to recoup much, if not all, of the signing bonus money Hernandez received. But due to some unusual omissions in fine print in his deal, they may realize that their hated rivals down in Baltimore are the more savvy in business terms when it comes to dealing with alleged murderers (or obstructers of justice) on their roster.

*****

‘Hoos Also Living The Thug Life?

It would be improper for me to only bask in the glory of current and former Virginia athletes, but never acknowledge the lowlights. Almost lost in the avalanche of Aaron Hernandez coverage on Wednesday was the report that former UVa defensive standout and Cleveland Browns rookie undrafted free agent Ausar Walcott had been arrested on charges of first-degree attempted murder. Turns out punching someone in the head and putting him in the hospital in critical condition is considered attempted murder, something that most people (including myself) probably did not realize. Dude punches hard, though.

(Cue the comments from lawyers in the BRB community. The best thing about writing for this publication is that if I ever get myself in legal trouble, I'll just post a FanShot from my phone and wait for instructions on what to do. You lawyers sure do seem to have tons of time on your hands during the workday.)

*****

While We're All Still Here

Rockets Fans Should All Support This.

The Los Angeles Lakers are unveiling a series of billboards around key locations in L.A. urging free agent Dwight Howard to stay with the team. As you would expect in 2013, the ad campaign revolves around a hashtag: #STAYD12.

#STAYD12 #wedontwantyouinhouston #thanks

— Bayless Parsley (@NoBaysParsley) June 27, 2013

Everybody who agrees that Dwight Howard is a cancer who will never bring a championship to Houston, please follow my lead.