Hair Of The Dog: Hey, It's Preseason For Us, Too

Just like the players, us bloggers need preseason too. I mean, one can't simply be expected to roll out of bed and seamlessly heap praise on Andre Johnson while simultaneously seething at the sight of Joe Marciano. We need time to stretch our fisking muscles and try out a myriad new bad jokes (or at least to see if anyone will notice if we recycle the bad jokes from last year).

Normally, BRB training camp is not open to the public, as surprisingly few of us actually live in Houston (or Texas, for that matter), so we don't all get to watch preseason games at the same time. With a nationally televised preseason game available to us this year, however, we decided to pull back the curtains of the BRB pregame and show off the dust bunnies bunnies that lie beneath.

So sit back, pour a home brew, and enjoy the show.

Pregame:

Corzo:

I just drafted Matt Schaub first overall in a mock draft.

UT:

How long did the other draftees laugh?

Mbw:

How many sacks does Newton give up, 3, 4, 7?

Vega:

3. After that, I think Schaub swings JJ Watt's elbow brace at his kneecaps.

First Quarter:

TDC:

A return to the 22-yard line? Shocker.

Vega:

Nice play action to start there. That should work for the first few weeks before they inexplicably abandon it.

Corzo:

3 WR and 2 TE... I like it. Poor execution. Punt.

D_More:

Not often would I call a punt a thing of beauty. Shane Lechler getting it started the right way. #coffinkick

Vega:

I think they've been holding Lechler out of the preseason to minimize the exposure to Marciano.

Mbw:

Man that's how to use your hands when rushing the passer by Jefferson

BFD:

Swearinger is ridiculously out of control on the field.

Also, #FireMarciano.

UT:

Of course he runs it back and there's a flag.

I don't know what's worse, that there's a flag calling back Martin's touchdown or the fact that I totally expected it to happen.

Kitten you Joe Marciano. Kitten you right in the eye.

Mbw:

Brandon Brooks moves like a ballerina on the way to the second level.

Corzo:

Ed Reed coaching Harris after that penalty. Please Reed, teach this man.

GO TATE GO.

UT:

You'll notice Marciano is nowhere to be found there. Must have gone to the concession stand.

MDC:

"Don't do that thing you just did."

"Really? But I thought I did good."

"..." /rethinks signing decision

D_more:

Tate following blocking nicely for 39 yards. Saints defense already in midseason form.

Mbw:

Great drive, pass/run balance and they actually scored a TD In the red zone. Kubiak took some LSD this offseason and his actually calling some creative plays. That 2nd and goal throw to OD was a perfect example.

I'm loving these 2 TE sets and Greg Jones is a bad man.

D_more:

Pass to Daniels would have been a touchdown, if not for Curtis Lofton punching it out. It wasn't a drop.

Mbw:

Yeah, he was confused wondering where it went. It still counts as a drop and goes against his catch rate.

D_more:

I agree, just saying it was a great last-second defensive play and not a mental lapse by Daniels.

Vega:

Is it possible that Earl MF Mitchell may take on a whole new meaning this year?

Corzo:

Getting great pressure on the blitz. JJ W-- I mean Jared Crick!! For the sack on third down.

Mbw:

I wonder if Watt gave Crick his brace hoping his aura could rub off on him.

Vega:

I think his arm is fine, but he wears it just to kitten with the offense.

Hey, is that Watt, no wait, aaaahhhhhh!!!

Mbw:

Rex looks like a fat drunk Santa who leaves the milk and cookies and takes the booze instead.

Second Quarter:

Mbw:

There's one for Newton

Corzo:

3rd and long deep in enemy territory. Schaub gets flattened. Newton got beat hard.

TDC:

Words cannot express the whipping Derek Newton just took there.

UT (after Saints TD):

Okay, I did not just see two defenders tackle each other, right? That didn't really happen, right?

BFD:

Mays misses the tackle. Keo misses the tackle. They collide.

Absolutely perfect.

Corzo:

Great route by Andre!! Wow. Love the double move.

Newton held up well this time on 3rd down.

Mbw:

There needs to a tumblr full of gifs of Schuab trying to outrun a sack.

UT:

a 55 yard kick?

OUR KICKING PROBLEMS ARE SOLVED!

Well, it's encouraging anyway.

BFD:

#FatKicker now 3-3 on touchbacks.

BFD:

Rivers in a QB. You can tell by the hipster way he throws.

Corzo:

Danieal Manning not biting on Graham's double move.

BFD:

Jefferson looking very solid out there. Rangy dude.

BFD:

Martin is simply not an NFL quality WR.

Mbw:

I like him as a PR though and it's a shame he can't catch a football.

UT:

God, no, not Earl, take me instead!

Corzo:

Nice play by Joseph forcing the incompletion. EMFM is down. Oh dear :(

BFD:

Kareem with a case of Jacques Reeves Syndrome. Let's hope it passes quickly.

Vega:

I love the fact that Andre Johnson is Andre Johnson

Corzo:

Andre Johnson redeems himself after a drop with a slight veteran "push off" and makes a big catch.

I love this man.

Halftime:

Corzo:

Randy Moss, Urlacher, and Glazer... this is awful. Fox Sports 1 blows.

Where's Howie Long and Terry Bradshaw?

Corzo:

My body is ready for T.J. Yates in the second half.

UT:

I don't think they're bringing in the first team for a preseason game.

Third Quarter:

BFD:

I really don't see a PI on Harris on that play. I don't. Poor call.

BFD:

Somebody please tell Browner the point is to keep them OUT of the end zone, not help them in. TIA.

UT:

//mutter mutter preseason mutter mutter
//mutter mutter happy place mutter mutter

Tim:

While that was a questionable call, has Harris done anything since he was drafted to make you think he's an NFL DB?

Yet another guy I loved seeing the Texans draft, only to see him completely fail to develop.

Corzo:

This is what I wanted to see from Jean from the post I wrote. Jean is rising, Martin is dropping.

D_more:

#preseasonlestar

TDC:

CampStar Jean doing what he does best....when the games don't matter.

BFD:

Quess is having a monster drive right now. He's eating people up and shitting them out.

UT:

I've been really impressed with Quessenberry this preseason. I fully expect him to unseat Newton for the starting RT job by the start of next season.

BFD:

Swearing with yet ANOTHER swing and miss on the tackle. He has no idea what he's doing out there. None.

Tim:

If Ed Reed manages to teach Swearinger how to study and think, he's worth every bit of his contract on that basis alone

BFD:

Agree, and Pollard really is the perfect comp for Swearinger, except Pollard can occasionally tackle.

Mbw:

The problem with Swearinger is he refuses to wrap up. He loves to do that stupid kitten where you just ram your shoulder into a guy. It looks cool when it works, but it only does 20% of the time.

BFD:

It's infuriating. He just blindly dives and calls it tackling. No squaring up. Doesn't use his arms.

Fourth Quarter:

Mbw:

Donny Jones was a really good punter last year, so I think Lechler will be a marginal improvement. However, if Martin keeps returning punts well and Bullock keeps knocking them out of bounds Houston might have a /gasp positive DVOA this year.

MDC:

I'm trying to figure out how you can say Donny Jones was "really good" last year. There was no aspect of the Texans' special teams that was really good. He was (arguably) the least shitty aspect, but he was still not good.

Mbw:

I guess really good is an overstatement, but he was in the top ten in Y/P and had better stats than Lechler did. They each played in similar situations with terrible coverage teams, but Jones did get to play in the dome. The point is Lechler is not going to be a huge improvement over Jones.

BFD:

DJ has made three very solid tackles in a row now. Thank you. Really showed off his closing speed on the screen.

Vega:

Can't really fault DJ for that TD catch. Just a great play.

Vega:

Brandon Harris made a terrible looking good play.

Corzo:

Any observations on Montgomery and Williams?

BFD:

I've been focusing on them the past two series, and I'm not seeing much. Quick passing game is negating them getting to the QB, and a lot of runs going away. Monty just made a nice play on a run there.

Rivers:

Glover Quin: World's Worst Mentor

Rivers:

I don't understand why you're so down on Swearinger. He's not supposed to be a finished work. DB's take time. It's not his fault the Texans signed a man with one hip in front of him.

BFD:

Fair points. My problems with him are 1. if he doesn't play, Keo is playing, and 2. his tackling is terrible. Looked much better in the 4th as he's using his arms to wrap, but I'd bet he has more missed tackles than actual tackles at this point. And he's supposed to be at least good at tackling.

Rivers:

It's preseason of his rookie year.

It's also not his fault that the Texans continue to employ Shiloh Keo.

TDC:

Damn that game got boring in a hurry after halftime.

Ain't that the truth.

Final score aside, I think you'd have to call this a relatively successful game. It doesn't appear that the team suffered any major injuries, and most of the key players played well. Still, this wasn't exactly the type of game that makes you feel like the Texans should start dusting off the mantle in preparation for the Lombardi trophy.

Perhaps it's just the normal preseason sloppiness and second team unit stuff that every team has to endure. Or perhaps it's the fact that a number of starters were still missing. In any sense, there are only four more quarters of meaningless football left before the good stuff starts.

Game Balls:

Offense: I thought of giving this to Ben Tate, who had a very solid performance with 74 yards and a touchdown on only 11 carries, but like many defenses in years past, he ran up against Andre Johnson. Andre proved that age is just something that other people complain about, but something that doesn't actually apply to him. He racked up 131 yards in only a half of football and looks like he's ready for another monster season.

Defense: I went back and forth between Jared Crick and Earl Mitchell, but the edge goes to EMFM if only because of the reaction when he got dinged up. That just proves how well he's played all preseason and how important he is for this season. Though I highly recommend Crick keep that arm brace for as long as J.J. Watt feels he needs it.

Special Teams: Randy Bullock. Well, then. Perhaps he has yet to be contaminated by the stink of Joe Marciano. He was stellar today, going 3 for 3 in field goals including an impressive 55 yarder and a great performance on kickoffs.