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Hair Of The Dog: No #HoboQB Edition (Texans-Browns)

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In which the folks who barf words onto the pages of this site discuss the game against the Cleveland Browns as it unfolds. All wittiness is purely coincidental and in no way implies that we are entertaining.

Ken Blaze-USA TODAY Sports

First Half Kickoff

Rivers: Okay, football.

Brett: Mallett gets the ball first. Moment of truth.

BFD: Let the Ryan Mallett Experience begin.

Lobbed Incompletion to Andre Johnson

BFD: Andre needs to start acting interested in the game again.

Debbie DownerRivers: Andre hasn't had a good hands year. Also that ball, thrown with the proper depth, is probably 6.

Deep Thoughts

BFD: If I didn't know any better, I'd swear the Texans and the Browns are playing.

Oh.

The Swoon Begins in Earnest

Brett: Wow, Hopkins. The ball just jumps off Mallett's hands.

BFD: Big, easy arm. Goodness.

BFD: Ummmm, wow? Mallett looks like he knows WTF he's doing out there.

BFD: Speechless.

Brett: Mallett throwing a fade to Watt for a TD. Is this heaven?

Rivers Exists to Fart on Your Happiness

Rivers: The Browns are not good at the whole defense thing.

BFD: 12th, according to that FO site, so they ain't bad.

Corzo: Rivers, for once in your life, just enjoy this !!!!!!!!!!!

Rivers: That's pretty misleading. They're closer to 24th than 6th. And that's with the benefit of getting Andy Dalton's poop game on their record.

Mallett's INT

Brett: Ugh. I hate freak interceptions. They always happen to us.

Chris: I don't think that was freak. 15 just didn't put it outside enough.

Brett: Could have been pushed a few yards more outside, yep. Still wish Hop pulled it in.

Corzo: Man, Fiedorowicz was wide open on that pick.

The Other Side of the Ball

BFD: Swearinger is a kittening dumpster fire out there.

Rivers: That 2013 draft class just looks better and better.

Corzo: Watt's tenacious D on punt coverage has been a liability.

Capt. Ron: Willing to buy a pass rush.

Capt. Ron: Accounting firm of J.J. Watt; managing debits and credits across the whole journal today.

Two-Minute Drill

Rivers: Tight ends are part of an NFL offense?

BFD: Holy kitten, did that just happen? This offense looks shockingly different.

Brett: It's amazing what happens when Ryan Fitzpatrick isn't the quarterback.

Capt. Ron: Football IQ + 8-foot point of release + velocity + target placement = good eats!

Second Half Gets Underway

Brett: Crick damn near pulled a Watt right there and Cush just had the hit of the year. Love it.

Capt. Ron Cushing Drilling, Ltd.

Brett: That's PI on Bouye. He got away with one.

MOAR OFFENSE

Capt. Ron: Nice blocking by Hopkins on the outside there for Blue's 1st-down.

Capt. Ron: Can we please delete the bubble screens to 'Dre from the game-plans going forward? SMH.

Officiatin'

Capt. Ron: Aside from missing that call on Bouye, I'd like to take a moment and thank Ed Hochuli's crew for the best officiating I have seen all season.

Corzo: ED HERCULES!

Brett: It's been quite refreshing, yep.

Mallett

Capt. Ron: 'Dre still trying to adjust his hand to eye coordination for incoming missiles.

Brett: Ryan Mallett went after Joe Kitten Haden back shoulder on fourth down. The balls on this guy...

Capt. Ron: Up-tempo, TEs involved, running game benefiting from the passing game, and chain-moving passes....looks like "Patriots South" has arrived. Mallett's completions only suffering from receivers still learning how to catch fastballs.

MDC: Haden tried to ninja kick that s#!t away because the ball got there too quickly for his hands to react.

Capt. Ron: I have never seen a football crack the air as fast as Mallett's.

Brett: Mallett's ball placement has been spotty at times, but the fact that he CAN throw deep has opened up the run game so much.

Tim: Who will be the first to bitch that O'Brien waited too long to bench Fitzpatrick?

MDC: If Brett won't, I will.

BFD: I've been bitching about #HoboQB since the second week. Doesn't that count?

Wrapping UP

Capt. Ron: If the Texans don't draft a FS in 2015, I may start a riot on Kirby.

Capt. Ron: If the Texans don't draft an OT in 2015, I may start a riot on Kirby.

Brett: I've kind of resigned this year to be a lost season for Clowney. He didn't have a proper offseason due to injury, barely played in preseason, got hurt, and hasn't gotten to play this year much either. Next year will be where I make my judgment.

BFD: That was an amazing game by Watt. He never, ever stops or slows down.