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Hair Of The Dog: Pectorals And Picks Edition (Bengals-Texans)

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See what the members of the masthead had to say throughout the latest game where the Texans' offense netted only 4 points and the defense delivered 7 on Johnathan Joseph's pick-6.

That pectoral muscle looks like it is under duress!
That pectoral muscle looks like it is under duress!
Matthew Emmons-USA TODAY Sports

We interrupt our mourning of what could have been with Ryan Mallett to bring you this episode of Hair of the Dog, already in progress.

Pregame

Brett: Mallett threw a ton of curls and outs against Cleveland last week. I expect Cincy saw that on film and will be sitting on those...should be ripe for pump and go's like the one he threw to Andre on the second snap of the game. I predict at least one 30+ yard completion to Hopkins or Andre on a stutter-go or an out-and-up pattern. It's ripe for the taking.

MDC: Sluggo should be ripe, too, if Cinci thinks that the slant is what we're going to use instead of the outs (i.e. "we know you saw outs on tape, so we're mixing it up by going with slants today...BOOM!")

The roof is open??

Brett: Man...it's almost unfair for Clowney to have to make his return against Joe Thomas and Andrew Whitworth in back to back weeks. Two of the best in the game.

First Half

MDC: Alfred Blue's vision is to Arian Foster's vision as BFD's hair is to Brooks Reed's hair.

Brett: You could hear O'Brien screaming "throw it away" while Mallett was scrambling.

MDC: Dear Texans Organization,  FIX YOUR "KITTEN" TURF.  Sincerely, Everyone

Brett: I couldn't tell if Pacman's injury was more due to the turf or Andre's whole body weight landing on his knee.

MDC: Oh, I was talking about Andre's slipping twice in the first few plays.

Brett: There's Mallett's ball placement issues creeping up again. It's always the easiest passes that seem to give him the most trouble.

MDC: Seeing how the Bengals' blitz is confusing him, it makes Cleveland's refusal to blitz even more odd in retrospect.

Brett: That was so lucky. In no universe should Darryl Morris be matched up with A.J. Green at the goal line.

Corzo: Romeo Crennel doesn't seem to let his JJo follow the #1 WR right?  This is all Rivers' fault.

MDC: DeAndre Hopkins could catch an oil-covered baby fired from a t-shirt cannon at 10 paces.

Brett: That was a deserved flag for helmet to helmet. Could hear that on TV.   I. Love. DeAndre. Hopkins.

MDC: What the "kitten" was with picking up the flag on the helmet-to-helmet on Nuk??

(Alfred Blue & Chris Myers safety)

MDC: What the "kitten"?  Really?  An outside zone run to Blue from the 1-"kitten"-yard-line???

Capt Ron: Myers is credited for taking down Blue for a safety.  The fans here at NRG are in "funeral home" mode now as the exhausted defense takes the field again.  TOP: Texans 5:31, Bengals 15:39.

BFD: I just got home.  We gave up a freaking safety???

Brett: Yeah. Zone stretch from the 1 for some stupid "kitten" reason.

MDC: Zone stretch WITH ALFRED BLUE, WHO LACKS THE ABILITY TO SEE THE INSIDE ZONE OPEN AND MAKE ANY KIND OF CUT THAT WOULD MAKE THAT PLAY MAKE SENSE IN THE LEAST. /angrily fixed it for you

Second Half

(Ryan Mallett's Interception)

Brett: OH COME ON RYAN. "KITTEN".

MDC: Are you shitting me?  FML.

Capt Ron: They should ask Marcus Luttrell what is more frustrating...fighting 4 SEALs v. 200 Taliban, or being a Texans fan.

(Johnathan Joseph's pick-6)

Brett: THERE WE *KITTEN* GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

BFD: Welcome back, Joseph.

Corzo: Can the defense bail out another struggling Texans offense?

Capt Ron: Beercan kicker taken down by turf monster on kickoff.

Corzo: Texans are bringing the blitz now. I feel like they didn't blitz at all in the first half.

Brett: Atta boy, Morris. Also Clowney had a really nice spin move on that third and long.

MDC: Clowney just put a spin move on the tackle that made me giddy.

BFD: I'm not really remembering the spin move has part of his core package, either.  He's mostly a bull and inside swim guy.

MDC: Arian Foster scores on that run where Blue spun for the first.

Brett: You mean he would score and then promptly strain something.

MDC: All things considered, I'd make that trade right now.

Corzo: Mallett throwing behind and too high on an Andre Johnson slant route. THIS IS ALL RIVERS' FAULT.

Capt Ron: Time of possession check with 8:48 to go in the game: Texans 16:47, Bengals 34:25.

MDC: So...it was 19-13 in 2011, with the ball at the 20.  I have nowhere near as much faith in Mallett as T.J.  Which is sad on MANY levels.

Brett: Mallett has been inaccurate as "kitten" today. Lots of open receivers flat out missed.

BFD: Having a return game wouldn't hurt, either.

Capt Ron: This offense is abysmal.  No matter how this game ends, they are holding this team back this season from anything meaningful.

MDC: Ryan Griffin and C.J. Fiedorowicz are shitty.

BFD: This was a perfectly winnable game.  Such a missed opportunity.

Capt Ron: ...and just like that, the Texans feel the sharp claws of QB Hell pull them back under.

Brett: There are still two minutes to go and it's a one possession game. Hold on for just a few minutes.

BFD: "Critical 3rd down on both ends."  Sounds like somebody's got the runs.

Brett: Sure let's just leave the running back open on 3rd and 6. Okay.

MDC: Seriously...WTF is with Crennel no longer moving Watt around to multiple spots and splits?  You have exactly one guy on your defense who causes other teams to shit themselves whenever he moves around, but we're gonna keep him in the same spot more or less all game?  I've been saying for weeks that a lot of Watt's ability is wasted in RAC's D.  That goes double when RAC stops doing anything remotely creative.

BFD: Meanwhile, Teddy just drove the Vikings down the field on his arms and legs (not literally) to put them within a field goal of the Pack.  Sigh.

MDC: Told ya.

Rivers: We're all agreed that this is my fault, right?

John: I need someone to put me out of my misery and inject whiskey straight into my bloodstream. Thanks.

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