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SITE NEWS: Cattle Call For New BRB Contributor(s)!

Do you writ English gud? Do you like to write about footballs? In high school, were you voted most likely to ride on the Titanic? Battle Red Blog might be the place for you.

Kevin Jairaj-USA TODAY Sports

It's been a quite a while since the last time we debased ourselves to put out a call for a new contributor for your beloved BattleRedBlog, but with Big Matt Weston joining that strange desert cult, we could use a new feature writer.  The guidelines for applying are:

1. If you're interested in writing for BRB, please draft a post on anything Texans-related and email it to me.  If you can't figure out how to email me, consider yourself the Frank Bush of BRB.  Your entry can be anything from statistical analysis to satire.  An ode to Morlon GreenwoodRyan Pickett fan fic?  Sure!  We are looking for a true feature writer, not just somebody who can write fish-wrap style trite trash.  Because it's a blog doesn't de facto mean we're looking for cutting edge writing, but we are looking for originality.

2. No profanity.  Do you see profane comments?  Oh, most definitely.  However, when writing, we have the expectation you can use purty words.  Plus, there's the whole workplace-ban list thing.

3. Although there's no hard and fast rule for the number of posts you'd have to author each week, we'd like to see the newest member of our Band of Fools contribute at least four (4) pieces per week.  There are weeks when the news comes hard and fast, and there's most of the offseason, so we're talking about an average of four posts per week over the entire year.

4. Spelling, grammar, punctuation, and especially the Oxford comma all matter.  Spending 30 minutes proof-reading posts is not nearly as painful as it sounds, so we have the expectation our oversight of your work will be minimal.

5. Strong knowledge of, or willing to learn, best practices regarding sponge baths earns you bonus points.

6. We can't promise you'll make a dime writing for BRB.  There may be some advertising-related campaign revenue, and I'll be happy to discuss this in greater detail via email.  Most remuneration comes via Tim buying drinks and forcing us to listen to stories about his heritage.

We can promise scores of groupies, hanging out on your front lawn, and it's like freaking Beatlemania every time you walk out your front door.  Or not.

Since Matt's already in the desert tripping on some hellacious peyote, we'd like to have somebody writing sooner than later.  Thus, all entries are due before I wake up (about 6:30am CDT) on November 11, 2014.  This will give us time to evaluate entries and have you writing before the Bungles game on November 23, if not a little sooner.  Not to scare you, but the entire BRB "staff" will be evaluating your work, probably while not wearing pants.

We look forward to your submissions, and best of luck to you!