Look...I'm not going to lie and claim I've been good. I haven't. But, considering you aren't real, that shouldn't be a deal-breaker, should it? I'll pretend like you exist; you pretend like I haven't done a bunch of stuff this year that would make coal in my stocking seem like a win. Deal? Deal.
Anyway, Kringle, let's get down to this. What follows is a list of arguably realistic things that I want for Christmas.
1. A TD run by J.J. Watt. This should be easily obtainable. We just need Bill O'Brien to put him in at fullback and give him the ball. He and basic physics will take care of the rest.
2. A TD pass by J.J. Watt. Greedy? Possibly. But it's not like I'm asking for him to get a punt-return TD. I have no reason to suspect that Justin James Watt cannot throw a football as well as (or better than) Matt Schaub circa 2013, and Schaub managed to throw some TDs (even some to Texans' players!) Now, you could get O'Brien to put Watt in at QB in a wildcat (wildbadger?) package inside the five. But, if you've really got some chestnuts, you'll put him under center on 3rd and short near mid-field and let him chuck it deep to DeAndre Hopkins when the entire D sells out to stop the QB sneak.
3. A win in Indianapolis (preferably this year). Sure, this would happen pre-Christmas, but I don't think anyone would complain. Besides, I'm sure that inveterate liar Jim Irsay is not on your gift-receiving list this year, so...you know...c'mon. Don't treat me like you treated Riley Freeman, Santa.
4. For Sarah Ellison to understand how absolutely insane this article about Elvis Dumervil as DPOY is, even if it's just clickbait for hits. (Alternatively, for Sarah Ellison to get nothing for Christmas, since she dared to minimize the greatness that is J.J. Watt.)
5. Popcorn, jujubes, slushies, and sno-caps (perhaps) for all Texans fans at home games.
6. Someone who can consistently return punts and kicks in a manner that doesn't make me want to punch you again. How hard can it be to find someone? Other teams seem to find them from time to time.
7. For people to realize that Miracle on 34th St. is an absurdly stupid movie. It just is.
8. This boat. Look, it's vaguely Deep Steel Blue. It's called "Sunday Morning." It's just pretty much perfect. You spend all that time delivering Lexuses with bows to people. Just...be cool, Santa. Be cool.
P.S. The wives and significant others of the people on the BRB masthead deserve something nice as well. There's really nothing nicer than J.J. Watt throwing a TD pass, however, so feel free to just give that to them as well. Except for BFD's wife -- she deserves a Watt TD throw and a Watt TD punt return. Trust me on that.