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Hair of the Dog: "For One Week, He's Sixpatrick" Edition (Texans v. Titans)

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Read along, as blog dorks banter about the Texans' destruction of the Titans.

Matthew Emmons-USA TODAY Sports

In Retrospect, This Part Of The Discussion Seems Ironic.

BFD: HoboQB at QB.  No Clowney.  Sigh.  At least Foster is back.

MDC: Today's quiz: everything else remaining exactly the same, would you rather have HoboQB or Mettenberger running the Texans today?

BFD: Methenberger, and it's not at all close.  I'd rather have David Carr starting for us because at least that would be lulz funny.  HoboQB is dead clown funny.

MDC: Agreed. I'm struggling to think of a current starting QB that I wouldn't consider an upgrade over Shitzpatrick as of right now.

BFD: Eight in the box on the first play of the game, and we don't audible.  No gain on the play.  Expectations already being met.

Brett: I would rather have Fitzpatrick than Geno Smith, if that matters.

kdentify: Agreed. This may be damning with faint praise, but I think Fitz is better than Geno, Glennon, or McCoy.

MDC: I'd take Glennon over him in a second.

On The Awesomeness Of DeAndre Hopkins.

Corzo: Hopkins has shovels for hands, scooping up Fitzy's ground ball.

MDC: I think I've said this before, but DeAndre Hopkins could catch a greased piglet fired from a t-shirt cannon at 10 paces. [Editor's Note: We REALLY need someone to arrange for this theory to be tested.]

kdentify: Why does Fitz keep throwing to their feet? Ugh.

MDC: Because he's as amazed with Hopkins' hands as we are, and he wants to see where the limits are? Or because he sucks. Likely the latter.

Brett: Well, if that TD doesn't show that Hopkins is now officially our number one receiver, I don't know what else to show you.

MDC: DeAndre Motherf*#%ing Hopkins. Miss Jackson, if yo' nasty.

Brett: DeAndre Hopkins is f*#%ing unbelievable.

kdentify: Nuk, winning me my FF matchup, one reception at a time.

BFD: I don't really think of him as a speed guy, but man he just tore away from guys on that play.

The Rumors Of Fitzpatrick's Improvement Have Been Greatly Exaggerated.

Brett: That was a nice snag by Griffin. Took all of his frame to reach it.

MDC: That ball came out really weird.  Tons of rotation, minimal velocity.  Like a hanging slider.

BFD: It's because he drops his elbow, relying on his wrist for power instead of keeping his arm slot tall.  His throwing mechanics are just horrendous.

MDC: Well, when you have that kind of natural ability and arm strength, you can get away with such things. Oh...

Rivers: The HoboBeard was holding Fitzpatrick back all along. Ruining his weightspeed ratio.

kdentify: Is he really pretending that Fitz is "not bad"? I mean, there's a reason he's been on so many teams. Game managers tend to struggle to stick around with teams.

J.J. Watt Is What Happens When You Cross Superman With A Deity.

MDC: I know that bitching about holding against Watt is not insightful at this point, but when you grab his jersey and the inside front of his pads and then ride him to the ground, preventing a sack on third down, I feel like that should still probably draw a flag, no matter how good he is.

Corzo: Someone gif that Watt helmet removal, stare, waterboy, and squirt.

MDC: RAC's system wastes Watt's abilities to a degree that angers me every week.  That's my biggest gripe.  It could certainly be worse -- hello, all Texans' DCs prior to Wade -- but it could be better as well.

BFD: Watt hasn't moved around much today.  He's almost exclusively playing RE today.  Total rubbish.

MDC: He looked like he might just strangle Triplette if he didn't get credit for the sack. Which, all things considered, would have been preferable.

Corzo: How exactly is Watt being wasted?  Dude has 10.5 sacks, 8 passes defensed, 9 TFLs.  Seems like another typical year for him.

Brett: Also he is at right end because both of the Titans starting OT's are out. It's a good bet to have him come off the blind side edge where Mett can't see him. He's damn near had 3 sacks in the first half.

MDC: 1. By being asked to frequently play a two-gap role, especially on early downs, as if having Watt keep OT/OG off of our sh!tty LBs is better than letting him just wreck faces.

2. By playing RDE almost exclusively, when he has the skillset to play anywhere from OLB to NT in a one-gap role, thereby causing opposing offenses to sh!t themselves. It's no coincidence that Watt's best statistical season was the year that Wade used him in about four different spots every single week.

3. By being part of a nickel front that seems to exist solely to field 11 guys on those defensive snaps.  When's the last time you recall someone other than Watt doing much of anything in the pass rush when the Texans lined up in a standard four-man nickel front?

Corzo: Is he really 2-gapping? Seems like he still 1-gaps, bull-rushing and swim-moving RG's from the DE spot in the 3-4.

MDC: Early in the games especially, he seems to be getting 2-gap assignments on first and sometimes second downs. Lately, it looks like he's ignoring those calls, which makes me like him even more, but I'd almost guarantee that Crennel's calling plays that assume Watt will be in a two-gap mode more often than not. About the only pure one-gap plays in RAC's bag, at least in his previous stops, have been nickel/dime fronts and the rare time he's running out of a 4-3.

BFD: JJ WATT MURDERED METHENBERGER ON LIVE TV.

kdentify: So another week of inflammatory headlines? Squee.

MDC: THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU LET PEOPLE HOLD JJ WATT WITHOUT REPERCUSSIONS, THEN SOMEONE FORGETS TO HOLD HIM!

Chris: Liberal use of the word "drive" on the broadcast. That wasn't JJ driving as much as it was, you know, physics.

MDC: A monster in motion tends to stay in motion until some shitdick BESF QB squishes beneath him.

BFD: Honestly, Watt failing to run that fumble recovery back for a TD is a bit disappointing.

BFD: Here comes the rushing TD.

kdentify: Nah, we'll just let JJ do his thing.

BFD: We really need to find JJ Watt a more challenging league.  This one is just too easy for him.

Brett: I am not shocked by anything J.J. does anymore. Seriously.

MDC: No sh!t. If you told me tomorrow that he'd cured breast cancer in his spare time because he didn't want to have to wear pink in October anymore, I'd have no reason to doubt you.

Odds & Ends.

MDC: Danieal Manning just committed first-degree battery, and it was so pretty, I didn't even realize the ball had been picked off.

Brett: Great hit by Manning. One of the few good moments he's had this year.

Chris: The refs are slowly but surely getting better at not throwing flags just because a hit looks violent.

MDC: Reason #4788638 to love Arian Foster: he pulled the ball back, moved the adult's hands out of the way, and made sure the kid he wanted to give the ball to actually got the ball.  He's class.

Corzo: I went back and looked. That was nice of him.

Brett: People give Foster too much crap for all that baby mama drama. He's a good dude at heart.

BFD: Oh, I see XSF is in there.

BFD: Keshawn Martin channels Marciano.  If there was one guy on the entire team I could just cut, it'd be Keshawn.  I'd also release him.

MDC: So, on 2nd and 19, we throw a pass five yards behind the line of scrimmage and ask Arian to do it all? BRILLIANT.

Brett: In fairness, he's one of the few human beings who actually can do it all.

Rivers: So glad we needed to give Garrett Graham a sizeable free agent contract.

MDC: Rivers, just for posterity, I'm willing to admit on the record that you win in the Kendall Wright v. Nick Toon argument.  Not that there was any question at this point, but I still feel like I should put it in print, since people admitting they were wrong is so rare on the internet.

Rivers: I actually forgot that this was a debate. No joke. I thought we were arguing Toon against someone lower in the draft.

BFD: Same here.  I thought it was Toon wouldn't suck.

BFD: I'm so glad the Thursday Night Football commercial is reminding me that football is returning on Thursday night.

Completely Off The Rails.

Chris: XSF successfully blocked TWO guys on the Foster 3rd & 17 run. It's like seeing Sasquatch riding a unicorn!

MDC: Then knocking it up, only to have the unicorn give birth to chupacabras.

BFD: And if you throw in HoboQB's 5 (!?!?!?!?!?!) TD passes today, it's like seeing a sasquatch riding a unicorn that's pooping gold coins.

MDC: Gold coins that are redeemable for lap dances from Disney-esque mermaids.

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