Battle Red Onion: Bob McNair Vows To Remove Booby Traps From NRG Stadium By 2016

HOUSTON -- Bob McNair, owner of the Houston Texans, held a press conference today detailing his plans to improve the safety of NRG Stadium by removing the land mines, trip wires and pits scattered around the field. Constructed in 2002, it became the NFL's first to feature an irresponsibly large number of the deadly devices.

"Safety has always been our top priority," said McNair. "And we need to address the fact that there's a problem on our field, particularly with the tiger pit."

Jadeveon Clowney's placement on Injured Reserve has seemingly forced McNair into taking action. Clowney, drafted by the Texans with the first overall pick this year, has missed most of his rookie campaign after a Week 1 knee injury sustained while trying to outrun a Bengal tiger that was hidden under the turf near midfield. After the game, head coach Bill O'Brien denied that the 450-pound predator had anything to do with Clowney's injury. "He didn't get mauled, did he? Then there's your answer," retorted O'Brien to reporters.

But now it appears management is ready to take at least partial responsibility for the absurdly hazardous playing field. The poison darts, spike traps and electrical fence will be removed by next year, with the rest to be phased out by 2016, promised McNair.

"We make all decisions like this with the fan experience and player safety in mind," he said. "It's becoming clear that the features that make our stadium unique are having an unforeseen adverse effect."

McNair even vowed to remove the long-rumored nuclear waste buried under the south endzone. "It's just not practical or useful to have that there anymore," he explained. "No one seems to be developing super powers."

But Clowney's injury is only the latest in a long series of incidents that could possibly be attributed to NRG's unique makeup. Players and coaches from around the league have long complained about NRG Stadium's outrageously dangerous traps, but this is the first time the owner of the NFL's fifth most valuable franchise has spoken about it.

• In 2012 Wes Welker tore his ACL while ducking to avoid a swinging axe that he triggered at the 40-yard-line, leading to Bill Belichick calling the field an "abomination."
• Demeco Ryans has torn his Achilles twice, both as a Texan and an Eagle, and both times by one of the many banana peels -- spray painted green to remain hidden -- scattered around the playing surface.
• Former Texans punter Brett Hartmann is currently suing Harris County (the owner of NRG) after a hidden circular saw sprung from the grass and severed half his foot after a punt. County Judge Ed Emmett called the charges "laughable" and vehemently denied the field had anything to do with the injury.

When asked if the stadium would also discontinue using its current system of installing the field, McNair balked:

"Why would we do that? What could possibly be so dangerous about a shoddily-installed patchwork of uneven turf pallets? How would having a consistent, pot hole-free turf improve player safety at all?"