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Battle Red Onion: 56 Players The Houston Texans Should Not Sign Under Any Circumstances

Proudly distributing sensationalized rubbish since 2010, this edition provides a simple guide for the Houston Texas to avoid making a colossal mistake in free agency.

Ed Reed... two first names. Not to be trusted.
Ed Reed... two first names. Not to be trusted.
Scott Halleran

Free agency is set to begin March 11th, and I consider it my duty, my mission, my mandate from the football gods, to share the age-old, yet mysterious adage of:

Never trust a man with two first names.

Though its origins are unknown, its truth is as apparent to me as, "Don't stick your finger in a light socket." By the end of this article, you'll agree.

I have here in my hand a list of 56.  A list of free agents who have been made known to general manager Rick Smith as having not one, as Durga intended-- but two first names. It is my opinion, and the opinion of true, honest Texans fans that these players are not to be trusted, and they should not-- cannot-- be considered as potential new members of our beloved squad.

I present to you The List:

Eric Winston, OT 
Peria Jerry, DT
Stephen Nicholas, LB
Asante Samuel, CB
Corey Graham, CB
Shayne Graham, K
Louis Murphy, WR
Linval Joseph, DT
Aaron Ross, CB
Terrell Thomas, CB
Austin Howard, OL
Ed Reed, S
Brady Quinn, QB
Nate Allen, S
Cody Wallace, OL
Stevenson Sylvester, LB
Ryan Clark, S
Greg Warren, LS
Will Allen, S
Cam Thomas, DL
Danario Alexander, WR
Arceto Clark, WR
Walter Thurmond, CB
Brady Quinn, QB
Darian Stewart, S
Brian Leonard, RB
Kevin Walter, WR
Chris Spencer, OL

Jonathan Martin, OL
Dallas Clark, TE
Terrence Cody, DT
Corey Graham, CB
Jeromy Miles, S
Scott Chandler, TE
Chris Scott, OL
Dan Connor, LB
Mike Mitchell, S
Derrick Martin, DB
Jonathan Scott, OL
Bernard Scott, RB
Dennis Roland, OL
Alex Mack, OL
Brandon Carter, G
Anthony Spencer, DE/LB
Stewart Bradley, LB
Seneca Wallace, QB
Mike Neal, DE
C.J. Wilson, DE
Ray Graham, RB
Garrett Graham, TE
Earl Mitchell, DT
Elbert Mack, CB
Nolan Carroll, CB
John Jerry, OL
Jared Allen, DE
Marvin Mitchell, LB


- The number of circumstances in which the Houston Texans should sign any of these players

Undoubtedly, you'll recognize a few former Texans and wonder just how true the adage might be.  I assure you, dear reader, that each of these players is as untrustable as any other listed.

Kevin Walter, though charming and affable to the media, fooled Gary Kubiak, Rick Smith and many fans for years-- years!-- into thinking that he was a worthy starting wide receiver opposite the greatness that is Andre Johnson. That Walter was able to hold his job solely on the merits of his run blocking only speaks to his staggering ability to deceive.

And Eric Winston? "Sources" tell me that Winston was often described as a locker room nuisance that caused discord in the locker room with judgmental, passive-aggressive Post-It notes. He also promised to help then-rookie quarterback T.J. Yates move into his new apartment, but Winston reportedly flaked at the last minute. This locker room drama led to Winston's release and forced the team to rely on an unfinished project in Derek Newton to handle the duties at right tackle. The deleterious effects this has had on the team cannot be overstated.

Earl Mitchell deceived us all with an impressive 2013 preseason campaign as the undisputed starter at nose tackle before quickly fading back to obscurity once the games mattered.

Finally, if any more proof were needed, one would only need to consider the Ed Reed saga in Houston. Rumor has it that mere seconds after penning his name to the contract offered by the team, Reed sat back in his chair, put his boots on Bob McNair's desk and heartily chuckled for several minutes stopping only to catch his breath and mutter "Man, oh, man."

This leaves us with Garrett Graham. The five-year pro is an unrestricted free agent.  While he dutifully filled in where asked and performed admirably as the starter, we cannot ignore the fact that he now has a mountain of evidence stacked against his trustworthiness. Truthfully, it's not his fault; through no fault of his own he was given two first names by the people who raised him. Deceit begat deceit.

We must conclude that Graham is as shady and conniving as everyone else we've discussed, and therefor cannot be trusted with a contract extension. Increasing his monetary value would only enable him to hoodwink others on a larger scale. Let some other team have that on their conscience.

I have designed a simple flow chart for Rick Smith to use when evaluating a list of free agents.

While no one expects the cash-strapped Texans to spend big in free agency this year, it is imperative that the team spends not a penny on any of these unsavory individuals. As I've demonstrated, putting any amount of trust in their ilk will only lead in future disappointment, financial loss, and destabilization of a locker room desperate to regain a winning culture.

Leave your thoughts on how much you agree in the Comments below.