Pat McAfee: "Please, Don't Hurt Me" And Other Fighting Words For Jadeveon Clowney

Indianapolis Colts punter and anti-virus software guru Pat McAfee has made quite a name for himself. Ever since he absolutely destroyed the 5'5" tall Trindon Holliday on a punt return, the six-year pro has seen his popularity soar.

This hit led to him being "randomly selected" for performance-enhancing drugs soon after. He also made me pop a blood vessel after fumbling the ball against us and then making a superb punt anyway.

Feats such as these made McAfee the subject of this "Breaking Madden" piece by Jon Bois. If you don't know about Jon Bois, please read all of his stuff here; he deserves all of the page hits.

Now McAfee has a segment on NFL Network called "Standing Pat," and he recently used his platform to call out the Houston Texans' first overall pick Jadeveon Clowney. If you don't remember, Clowney listed sacking Andrew Luck as one of his goals for the 2014 season, and McAfee promised swift retribution. I paraphrased his vicious diatribe below:

"If you ever think about coming on 4th down... please, don't hurt me. You're an absolute monster, but if you're coming after my guy, number 12, Andrew Luck... here's what I'm going to do: I'm going to close my eyes and run as fast as I can, and if we happen to run into each other... it'll be LIGHTS OUT."

McAfee is a legitimately funny man. Watch the full video here and feel free to leave some vicious diatribe of your own down below.