clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Battle Red Onion: J.J. Watt Leaves Practice With Serious Inquiry, Carted Off Field To Have Question Answered

New, comments

Proudly distributing sensationalized rubbish since 2010. J.J. Watt and the Texans went through a scare after the star defensive end suffered an apparent existential crisis on the football field. Get all the details here on Battle Red Onion.

"Is this football even here? Am I? Does it even matter?" -- J.J. Watt, according to sources.
"Is this football even here? Am I? Does it even matter?" -- J.J. Watt, according to sources.
Troy Taormina-USA TODAY Sports

HOUSTON, TX --- A stunned silence fell over the Texans' practice field today when J.J. Watt walked off the field, helmet off, with a concerned look on his face. The silence turned deafening when the former Defensive Player of the Year hopped on to a cart and was driven away.

Previously on Battle Red Onion...

"We stopped practice when we noticed that something was clearly wrong with J.J.," said head coach Bill O'Brien. "So we brought him into the facility to check him out, and doctors confirmed that he had a question to ask. A big one." O'Brien declined to comment on the nature of the question in question, but noted that "it's pretty serious, thought-provoking stuff."

O'Brien said that Watt will be day-to-day.

UPDATE:  8:09 a.m.

Sources confirm that the team discovered the works of philosopher Friedrich Nietzche after conducting a thorough search of Watt's locker. Nietzche is best associated with the concept of nihilism, the general idea that there is no meaning to life. It remains unclear what kind of disciplinary action Watt could face.

UPDATE:  8:53 a.m.

Normally very controlled on social media, Watt took to Twitter after being pulled from practice to express some uncharacteristically dark thoughts.

Gwuywn0_medium

4israzh_medium

Hh3auwx_medium

Watttweet4_medium

UPDATE:  9:51 a.m.

The team has placed Watt on the non-football inquiry list. Sources report that Watt is being flown out to receive treatment from a team of psychologists and theorists, including famous celebrity doctors Dr. Phil, Dr. Drew and Dr. Nick Riviera.

With or without Watt, the team will kick off its preseason campaign against the Arizona Cardinals this Saturday. It's a game so devoid of meaning that even Nietzche might have been impressed.