Well, the BRB community certainly has grown lately with the addition of HoustonDiehards and John Monahan. I can only imagine Battle Red Riding Hood looking into Tim's big, bloodshot eyes and saying, "My, what a big masthead you have!"
Hmm... that didn't come out right.
Because I'm both lazy and selfish, I lobbied Tim to keep the crew small. I mean, come on, I have to copy and paste ALL these comments! But no. Tim decided that adding two absurdly talented writers and taking the quality of BRB content through the roof was more valuable than saving me a few Ctrl+Cs. Jerk.
Still, since we're running the risk of HotD becoming as big as Tim's masthead, I've decided to modify the format of the HotD. Instead of simply regurgitating the conversation, we're going to focus the discussion on either key moments in the game or comments that are really funny.
And of course, all the kittening rules still apply.
With that said...Onward!
On the first drive of the game, Arian Foster carries 6 times for 50 yards, and J.J. Watt pulls in his first career TD reception.
Any more questions on Foster's health?
That was old school Foster vision and burst right there. He's an absolute joy to watch.
Half the town of Rockridge was chasing Foster on that run.
Arian Foster is so patient, Buddhist monks break their vows of silence to ask him how he does it.
JJ WATT IS IN ON OFFENSE!!!!!!
So do they keep playing the game, or does that pretty much do it?
Watching J.J. Watt catch a touchdown pass is like looking into the eyes of God and hearing Him tell you that you are His most precious creation.
The Texans' second drive took up 8:03 and spanned 70 yards, culminating in a 6-yard Foster TD run.
Fitz is 6/6 because of his receivers making circus catches to make up for his inaccuracy.
That was a dumb kittening throw by Fitzpatrick. Andre is double covered with nowhere to go in the end zone. Throw it away.
Can we please get Foster a motherkittening touchdown?! Dude has earned it.
Ryan Fitzpatrick's mental clock is a sundial.
I love Arian Foster so much. He's earned that TD more than anyone else on the roster in these last two weeks. What a horse.
At 13:08 in the second quarter, Kareem Jackson intercepts Derek Carr and returns it 56 yards.
Kareem just makes himself more expensive every single day.
I was bummed when they didn't re-sign Jackson this off-season because after a rough year there was the chance to get him at a discount.
With 1:07 left in the second quarter... um... something happened... with fumbles... and somehow it ended up good for the Texans.
Hoooooooray for more fumble luck
I really wish I could explain the play. How do you fumble twice on the same play one yard short of the goal line? I mean...what the kitten...
Early in the third quarter, the Raiders fumble. Again. Because awesome.
Is the karmic pendulum finally swinging in our direction?
It's either that or Fate's nutsack, ready to teabag us.
Can we be teabagged if we never believed in Fitzpatrick?
We've already been teabagged. Metaphorically, at least.
I'd like to see Mallett for the rest of the game.
With 8:29 left in the third quarter, DeAndre Hopkins made a ridiculous TD catch.
Hopkins is so nasty. Back shoulder fades in the end zone are just too easy for him.
I'm going to smoke a cigarette in a dimly lit room and stare quietly at that catch.
Dude has hands like vices. It's amazing. I dare say, hands-wise, he's better than Andre. If DeAndre learns body control and positioning from The Great One, he'll be legitimately amazing. He'll be Tim in a Coors Light-themed video game.
The Texans ran off 9:21 on a fourth quarter drive, ending with a Randy Bullock FG.
This drive is kind of awesome.
Have they thrown a pass on this drive yet?
Just checked. That's 14 runs in a row and damn near 10 minutes off the clock. Holy kitten.
Other random non-play-specific comments that made me laugh...
Ryan Fitzpatrick's vision makes Ray Charles look good.
Right after that Carr run, my daughter yelled out of the bathroom, "Daddy, I did a poop!" That felt awfully appropriate.
LOLRaiders! I'm standing in front of the TV pointing and laughing at an alleged NFL team. Terribad.
Arian is so balanced, he could be classified as a noble gas.
That Time Warner Cable Bobby Flay/Bill Cowher commercial is how I envision hell.
Alright!! The Texans have now matched last season's win total! Hooray for low standards!
The Texans received a bit of help from the Raiders, but they did exactly what they needed to do. They ran strong, protected the ball on offense, created turnovers and forced the Raiders into difficult positions.
It will be interesting to see how the team responds when the preseason ends and they start facing real NFL teams.
Offense: Arian Foster. Honorable mentions to the 'Dres, but Foster was simply the man today. He set the tone on the first drive and played a tremendous game. It's been a long time since we've seen him perform like this, and it is extremely welcome.
Defense: Kareem Jackson. He had the first of many turnovers and was all over the field. He wasn't exactly covering Andre Johnson and DeAndre Hopkins, but he played great coverage -- a crazy difficult task in today's NFL.
Special Teams: Randy Bullock. Credit where credit is due. Bullock was brutal early last year, but has really come back to be a solid kicker. Of course, as I type this, he gets a kick blocked (not his fault), but there's no way I'm deleting those last two sentences.
Texans vs Raiders coverage