Welp, our excitement for 2015 has brought us to this - a matchup of two 1-4 teams in Week Six that nobody in their right mind would watch unless that person happened to be a fan of either team.
Yes indeed, the floundering, confused, wobbling top that is the Houston Texans' franchise is packing up and heading to Jacksonville to battle a Jaguars team that seemingly is in a perpetual state of rot.
How will it turn out this week? I did my best to get the BRB staff to get its GAF up enough to predict the outcome. You should do the same in the comments below!
BFD - Jaguars 31, Texans 17.
With Blake Bortles almost definitely starting (somewhere, Rivers snickers), the fans dressed as empty seats will watch the Glitter Kitties beat the Texans 31-17. The teams are oddly evenly matched, but I don't think we've quite hit rock bottom yet. Soon, though.
MDC - Jaguars 31, Texans 20.
The Texans just lost to a QB who was (a) 97 years old, (b) almost dead, and (c) playing in a short week. Worse, despite his (d) playing behind a truly terrible offensive line, the Texans got no pressure on Matt Hasselbeck.
Throw in that T.J. Yeldon is more than capable of impersonating Devonta Freeman, and I don't even think the fact that J.J. Watt feasts on the Jags can help.
Basically, this game will be the equivalent of waking up on the floor of a White Castle with no money, no recollection of the past 72 hours, and a vague sense that you've contracted something fatal.
kdentify - Texans 10, Jaguars 7.
Like the team, I have chosen not to revisit the steaming pile of sh.t that was the TNF game. The players (well, the ones that aren't injured and are talking to the media) all seem rejuvenated and ready to get back out there and put all the pieces together, so that gives me some slight hope that we can win against the Jags (wow, that's painful to write--the idea that we're hoping for a win against the Jags shows how far we've fallen). They expect to get Marks back (from that leg injury he suffered against us in the final game of the 2014 season) so that's good to see him recover, but there's been talk of Oday Aboushi suffering from turf toe, which threatens to force XSF to play significant snaps (of course, neither of them covered themselves in glory last game, so it may be a question of death by firing squad or hanging).
We're supposed to get some of our receiving weaponry back this week, and Brian Hoyer will have had a full week to prep knowing he's the starter, so let's hope it looks better than the Chiefs game. J.J. didn't sound or look like he was going to murder someone in the press conference this week, and Clowney, Cushing, and the rest of the defense also sounded like they were confident, so I'd like to believe that they may finally pull it all together. I don't expect this to be a high-scoring game, but I'm totally down with a defensive game and an ugly score. Texans 10, Jaguars 7. Go Texans!!!
Capt Ron - Texans 23, Jaguars 20.
I haven't had enough to to drink to bring myself to forecast the next game's results. I'll be right back.
[93 minutes, and 5 generous pours later]
Nothing I "hic" have sheen in "hic" the lasht five gamesh givesh me any reason to "hic" to "hic" to have confidence that shuddenly everything ish fixed.
However, even a drunk shquirrel can find a manhole cover accessh-notch to violate on occashion.
Weston - Jaguars 24, Texans 13.
I'm done waiting for this defense to have a breakthrough game. The offense is butt. Jacksonville wins and the Texans will continue to creep closer to a top 3 pick that they won't use on a quarterback because hey, Drew Brees is available.
Chris HDH - Jaguars 24, Texans 17.
The Texans have been so bad, and so emotionally flat, that I have no reason to believe that they are any better than their record, nor any better than the equally deplorable Jaguars. Typically I would say they would jump all over Blake Bortles, but after what old, sickly Matt Hasselbeck did to them - at home - on national TV - in a game they HAD to have - there literally isn't a quarterback in the NFL that I will use as a reason why Houston will win a game.
Trash emojis for the Houston QB position, the play-calling on both sides of the ball, the speshul teemz, and the general lack of interest on the faces and in the actions of the players on that Thursday night game. Even Gary at least had all his guys ready to play (other than that last season after Matt Schaub went and sprayed sh*t all over the field).
Trash, trash, trash. Someday it will get better. Maybe even this season - but we're still a long, long way away from meaningful football in Houston, I'm afraid.
Dunsmore - Jaguars 17, Texans 13.
There is nothing left to live for in this world. The Astros are out of the playoffs and the Texans stink.
Brett Kollmann - Texans 17, Jaguars 13.
I have no idea what to make of either of these teams right now, but I will give the Texans a slight edge considering some of the poorly timed injuries that the Jags have sustained so far. Jacksonville has already lost their best offensive lineman in Brandon Linder, and their best running back - T.J. Yeldon - sustained a groin injury last week. That offense will have to run almost entirely through Blake Bortles, Allen Robinson, and Allen Hurns on Sunday, and that trio just does not scare me yet. We'll see how they do this weekend.
For Houston, now that Arian Foster is back and seemingly healthy I suppose anything can happen. DeAndre Hopkins is playing like the best receiver in the NFL, and the offensive line is getting healthier with each passing week. I am as surprised as anyone that there is so much reason for optimism despite how disastrous this season has started, and yet here I am...being optimistic. Weird.
Alrighty then! Please discuss in the comments below and hit us with your predictions.
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