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Three And Out: Useless Predictions For Monday Night Football

Your friendly neighborhood psychic benefited from the bye week as well. Fresh and seemingly recharged, here is everything that shall come to pass when the Houston Texans face the Cincinnati Bengals on Monday Night Football this evening.

Not Arian Foster.
Not Arian Foster.
Troy Taormina-USA TODAY Sports

Your Houston Texans will take the field in Cincinnati tonight with a single goal in mind: Don't get embarrassed on prime-time national television Hand the Bengals their first loss of the 2015 season. Will it happen? I suppose you could wait until 7:30 p.m. CST to find out. Or you could simply read the rest of this post, know that everything written below is guaranteed to happen, and watch a brand new episode of "Major Crimes" instead. It's your call.

For those of you who can't get enough of Golden Triangle native G.W. Bailey, or those of you who simply enjoy marveling at the startling veracity (rhymes with duma$$ery!) of my predictions, read on to learn what's going to happen at Paul Brown Stadium tonight before it happens.

1. Tyler Eifert is gonna put on a show. I'm not willing to say that he'll repeat his three TD performance from Thursday Night Football against the Browns ten days ago, but I do foresee seven catches, 91 yards, and two TDs for Eifert this evening. The Texans simply have no way to stop him.

2. The Bengals, like virtually every other team the Texans have faced this season, will have success running the ball straight up the middle of Houston's defense. Jeremy Hill and Giovani Bernard will combine for 145 rushing yards, and that total will be comprised of at least eight runs of 10 yards or more. If you're looking for a silver lining in that prediction, here it is: Neither Hill nor Bernard will have a rushing touchdown tonight.

3.  If there is a single thing I'm looking forward to about tonight (and yes, finding things to get excited about concerning this game is difficult), it's seeing how DeAndre Hopkins measures up statistically against A.J. Green.  It says here that Nuk finishes with a superior stat line.  Hopkins posts 9 catches for 134 yards and a TD tonight, further elevating his status in the discussion of the best receivers in the NFL.

PUT YOUR NAME ON IT: This game screams "First Half Blowout" to me. It's disheartening to say that I'm reduced to hoping that the Texans avoid falling behind 40 points or more before halftime like they did to the Falcons and Dolphins, but that's where I am. I expect tonight's game to be over at intermission, with the Texans piling up big and meaningless numbers in the second half as the Bengals simply strive to keep everyone healthy for Week 11. The final score will be Bengals 37, Texans 24. But it won't be anywhere near that close.

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