Everyday at 6:30, I walk the dogs. We have two of them. One is large, brown, and afraid to leave the stairs. The other is a giant blind speckled bully. Last week when I strolled around suburbia's loop with themm people buzzed around their homes. Lights were strewed around the edges, polyester sacks were inflated, roofs were trampled upon, and nativity scenes were removed from the attic. This week the movement has stopped. They come home, go inside, flick the switch, and let their lights replace the quickly falling winter sun.
That reminds me: I need to go Christmas shopping, and I assume you do as well.
Nowadays there's a limitless amount of horrible memorabilia you can buy. The NFL makes anything and everything possible to increase their profits. Headphones, onesies, blankets, spatulas, and staplers...if you can slap a logo on it, you can purchase it. The options to waste your money are endless. So rather than hand something out that will one day become a spider's nest or tossed onto the floor never to be used again, why don't you purchase something the Texans fan in your life will cherish forever?
1.) Men's Andre Johnson Navy Blue Eligible Receiver T-Shirt: $14.99
Andre Johnson will always be the greatest player in franchise history. J.J. Watt could break Reggie White's sack record, he could become the first defensive player to win a MVP since Lawrence Taylor, he could win the first Texans Super Bowl by throwing a Hail Mary to himself. It doesn't matter. Johnson was here first.
He's gone now, and as a result, any Andre Johnson memorabilia you buy is cheaper than Enron stock. So celebrate his legacy for only $15.
2.) Men's J.J. Watt Red Lightweight Name & Number Hoodie: $59.99
Chances are when you ride in a vehicle, you'll see a dead animal splayed on the side of the road. Sometimes it's just stiff and looks like it should be mounted on somebody's living room wall. Other times it's squished into the road, flattened and forgotten. But every once in a while, there's a deer that looks like a pinata that took its last punch. The guts are flowing out of it, blood is smeared like a skid mark, and its neck is broken and dangling like a tooth that needs to be twisted. Even though you're going 70 mph and it only gets a second of air time, you need a moment to recuperate. You shut your eyes, and think, "Damn, that's nasty."
That's exactly what this shirt is.
AND THERE ARE ONLY A FEW LEFT. I knew J.J. Watt was the best player in the league. I knew he was popular. But I didn't know he was loved enough to sell this abomination. Watt is the only player in the league who could sell this.
If you bought this, please let me know why. If you bought this for someone, I hope they really love you, otherwise they'll never talk to you again. If you see someone wearing it in public, take a picture of it and send it to me @mbw987.
3.) Men & Women's Houston Texans 2011 AFC South Division Champions Locker Room T-Shirt: $4.99
I still can't believe it happened. I still can't believe the Texans made the playoffs (twice!). Every time I open my closet and I see this shirt, I think to myself, "Oh yeah, that actually happened." If this shirt wasn't there, I would assume my mind fabricated the whole thing.
Anyways, every Texans fan should own this shirt. Whenever things get bleak, it's a nice reminder they only need to wait seven more years until they make the playoffs again. Also, it's only $5.00. I just bought another one in case something happens to my old one.
4.) Cecil Shorts Houston Texans 10.5" x 13" Sublimated Player Plaque: $29.99
Nike just signed LeBron James to a lifetime contract. If I'm Rick Smith, I'm making the same offer to Shorts. Cecil Shorts III is the third best receiver, the second best running back, and the second best quarterback in franchise history. He can do it all, and I'm sure one day he can turn Houston's special team's DVOA from 32nd to 23rd.
Yet for whatever reason, there's not a jersey or shirt available to represent one of the greatest Texans of all-time. This is unacceptable. The warehouses are so full of Watt's screaming garbage that there isn't even a corner for Cecil. Be right back. I'm going to send an email to the manager.
5.) Ed Reed Houston Texans Player Buckle Lanyard: $6.99
[Breathes in through nose deeply]
Ahhhhh, schadenfreude. Remember when Houston opted to not sign Glover Quin? Remember when Ed Reed was supposed to use his mythical leadership to help the Texans' beat the Patriots in 2013? I do. I also remember when he couldn't even make it through a full season, was one of the worst players in Texans' history, and Houston going 2-14 in 2013.
But now is your chance to turn that misery into an opportunity. Buy this for that one person in your life who guaranteed that Ed Reed was the last piece in the Texans' championship puzzle. Then point and laugh.
6.) Domanick Davis Women's NFL Jersey New M: $14.95 or Best Available
If you just started seeing somebody that you introduced into your weekly Texans games, chances are they would like a jersey or something to wear too. Well, boy are you in luck. This Domanick Davis jersey is perfect. The last name is common enough that it will last forever; even though there isn't a Davis on the roster now, chances are there will be one soon.
It's listed at $15.00, but they will take best offer available. I'm sure you can get it for a carton of old french fries since that's the best offer anyone will ever get for this thing.
7.) NEW Houston Texans Mustard & Ketchup Condiment Set Red and Blue: $3.95
What do you get the Texans fan in your life who has everything? This. There's no way anyone has ever purchased this.
8.) Houston Texans 10th Anniversary Logo NFL Iron-on Patch: $6.98
True story. I bought this a few years ago to put on a Texans hoody I got for Christmas. I was excited to iron it on the sleeve to show off my ten years of misery. When I got the package, I cut it open with scissors because I'm a caveman. I cut an inch from the edge and patted the bottom. The patch fell out in two. I should never be a magician.
If you buy one, let me know how you like it. I'm still sad about this.
9.) Houston Texans Plastic Parking Sign: $11.08
Before the Xbox became a 360 and the Playstation was in its second iteration, people played this video game called "NFL 2K5." It was purchased instead of Madden because it was $20. Everyone would've been happy if it was playable. It was more than that. It is the greatest football game ever made. This made everyone very happy except for EA. The next year they bought the ball and went home by purchasing the NFL's license.
One of 2K5's features was THE CRIB. It was an imaginary setting where the player showed off his trophies and milestones, and was pestered by videogame Carmen Electra and Steve-O to play against them. Yes, this is confusing, and it was perplexing even in 2004. Additionally, you got points as you played the game for rushing for over 100 yards and completing other various tasks. You used this points to decorate your CRIB with Suzy Kolber posters, couches, and signs like the one above.
If you played this game, I'm sure it still sits in your old nostalgic soul. But now you have the power to turn your old Playstation memory card into a real room in your home, thanks to the 2K5 crib collection:
-Houston Texans 40" Glass Lamp: $740.99
-Houston Texans Pub Table: $519.99
-Houston Texans Counter Height Fridge: $499.99
-Houston Texans Coffee Table: $279.99
-Houston Texans Dartboard with Cabinet: $219.00
-Houston Texans Bar Stool: $199.99
-Houston Texans Lamp: $169.95
-Houston Texans 42" Ceiling Fan: $129.99
-Houston Texans Man Cave Sign: $64.99
-Houston Texans Street Sign: $44.99
15 year old you is going to love it. I guarantee it.
10.) 16 GB iPod Touch W/ All 108 Episodes of Battle Red Radio: $199
Just because you have a phone that does all the same things doesn't mean you don't need an iPod. To Texanize it, remove it from the box before it's given away. Download all 108 episodes of Battle Red Radio onto it. Then rewrap it and hand it over. No holiday will ever top this one.
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