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Battle Red Onion: NFL Fines Houston Texans For "Conduct Too Beneficial To The League"; McNair Apologizes For Not Doing Enough

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Proudly distributing sensationalized rubbish since 2010. According to league sources, the NFL has fined the Houston Texans and specifically its owner Bob McNair for conduct beneficial to the league. Battle Red Onion has the scoop.

Tim Heitman-USA TODAY Sports

Call it BehaveGate? The league office announced this morning that it has fined the Houston Texans $125 million for "conduct deemed too beneficial to the league."  The team's long-running streak of zero player incidents and by-the-book front office practices has long flown in the face of the NFL's policy of drumming up attention-grabbing controversy -- a policy, the league says, that is essential for the longevity of the NFL by keeping it in the national spotlight.

The NFL, a multibillion dollar sports organization, has for decades built its empire on the backs of cheating allegations, drug charges, steroid-fueled championships, and brain-mushing concussions, and now it expects the Texans and McNair to follow suit.

Reached for comment, McNair seemed to accept the NFL's decision.

"It's a wake-up call, to be honest," he lamented. "You think you're doing right by the league, drafting well-adjusted individuals that kids can look up to, upholding fair play in the spirit of competition, but it's apparently not what the league wants."

McNair went on to say that correcting the Texans' issues with the league starts with him. "You see the great things that Jim [Irsay, owner of the Colts,] is doing up there in Indy, and I wonder what I could be doing differently."McNair said he has always admired Irsay's drunken Twitter rambling from afar but never thought about how much it could benefit the team. "I mean for Christ's sake, the guy is a drunken buffoon," continued McNair. "And they got to go from [Peyton] Manning to [Andrew] Luck in the span of one year, so they must be doing something right."

McNair also noted how Bill Belichick, despite numerous allegations of rule-breaking has been one of the most successful head coaches in league history, culminating in winning Super Bowl XLIX earlier this month. "And their opponent [the Seattle Seahawks] was probably dirtier than a Mark McGwire blood test dropped in the mud!"

Clearly there seems to be a paradigm shift on the way to Houston. "We'll figure it out. It'll trickle down to Bill [O'Brien] and the players... particularly with J.J. [Watt]." The two time Defensive Player of the Year has quickly become the face of the franchise with his superhuman play on the field and his Nobel Peace Prize-deserving work off of it. "We need him to 'roid up and slap his sick grandma while attending a Klan rally as soon as possible."

McNair said he knows how important trivial, media-driven controversies are to fans, particularly to sports bloggers with nothing better to do.

"They deserve better than what we've given them."