From the Desk of MDC
To: Detroit Lions fans
Re: Why you can't have nice things.
Dear Random Fan of the Detroit Lions,
Oh, hello! I hope this letter finds you well, nestled snug amongst the abandoned buildings, crumbling infrastructure, memories of when Justin Verlander and Eminem weren't mediocre, and other assorted things that define life in America's Fallujah. What an existence that must be!
ANYWAY...the point of my letter is to discuss your recent hiring of Joe Marciano to coach your special teams.
I understand that, as NFL organizations go, you have a relatively storied history. You have Barry Sanders. You have Mel Gray. You have those four NFL titles, a couple of which were not in the leather-helmet era! Heck, you even have that two-week period when we all tacitly agreed to pretend like Scott Mitchell wasn't Matt Leinart before Matt Leinart technically existed in the NFL context.
You know what else you have? The wrath of a vengeful God, who really, really dislikes you for some reason.
You know, up above, where I said I was writing to discuss your hiring of Joe Marciano? More specifically, I write to offer my condolences. Because the days when your special-teams play didn't make you want to scratch off your own corneas rather than watch another kickoff are about to become as common as spotting Kwame Kilpatrick in public.
Perhaps you think I'm exaggerating. I assure you, I am not. Hiring Joe Marciano to coach your special teams is the coaching equivalent of hiring Aaron Berry to be your DD, plus hiring Jim Schwartz to explain challenge flags on scoring plays, times hiring Andre Ware and Joey Harrington as co-QB coaches, raised to the power of hiring Matt Millen to run your draft.
It is, in short, a silent prayer to the deity of your choice that he strike you blind and deaf before next September. (Spoiler: He won't.)
Is there anything you can do to fix this problem? Yes. But it requires the kind of intestinal fortitude that those among you of Irish heritage certainly lack. You have to swear off the team. You have to refuse to watch Lions games unless and until Joe Marciano is fired. That's the only thing that can get rid of him. If you can't make that commitment yourself, you should probably pray that someone among you is willing to be your savior from the evil of Joe Marciano. There's one great--dare I say, legendary--person in every fan base. I pray you find yours.
Until you do, you should probably get comfortable with the idea of Jeremy Ross looking like he huffed glue just prior to every return.
P.S. If you are not currently a drinker, I strongly suggest you spend the next few months discovering your alcohol of choice and apologizing to your liver for what is about to transpire.