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Battle Red Onion: Texans' Free Agent Signing Bonus Checks Bounce, O'Brien & Smith's Aspen Spending Spree Blamed

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Proudly distributing sensationalized rubbish since 2010. Battle Red Onion catches up with the major happenings over the past few weeks, with this week's edition examining the Texans' free agency spending spree

Texans' free agent signing bonus checks bounce, O'Brien & Smith's Aspen spending spree blamed

Rahim Moore and Vince Wilfork, newly signed to the Houston Texans, were confused when their signing bonus checks -- totaling $3 million each -- were rejected by their banks due to insufficient funds. Billionaire owner Bob McNair was furious to find out that the money had been spent by his general manager Rick Smith and his head coach Bill O'Brien, in a zany, ill-conceived spending spree in Aspen, Colorado.

The duo's wacky trip, directed by the Farrelly Brothers, reportedly lead them to staying in a lavish ski resort, wearing garish clothing, tipping bus boys obscenely, all while driving a red Lamborghini Diablo. Pressed for comment, O'Brien and Smith produced a briefcase full of apparent IOUs, claiming that "every cent's accounted for" and challenged anyone to "go ahead and add it up." O'Brien noted that one IOU in particular was worth $250,000.00 and McNair "might wanna hang on to that one."

(Image courtesy of Capt. Ron)

Houston Texans owner calls for increased economic sanctions against Tennessee Titans

Bob McNair, citing safety and humanitarian concerns, called for the "unequivocal continuation and escalation" of severe economic sanctions against the "despicable" Tennessee Titans.

"It is of great concern to me that [the Titans] might acquire any forms of player talent, draft picks or salary cap," decried McNair, speaking before a joint session of NFL owners and executives. "It should be of great concern to the National Football League that they do not."

"The greatest danger facing our league today is a well-run, well-funded and talent-rich Tennessee Titans organization. My friends, we must not let this happen," he continued. McNair went on to list the atrocities the team has committed, including "introducing Albert Haynesworth to this world," and "unironically" drafting Vince Young.

McNair said that the NFL narrowly averted disaster when the Titans nearly won Super Bowl 34 in 1999, after Kevin Dyson was tackled at the 1-yard-line as time expired. "We nearly lost everything that day. We must all stand together to stop their march of baby-eating and sister-fornicating."

NRG turf has been released, expected to sign with Oakland Raiders

The longest tenured member of the Houston Texans was released last week. NRG Stadium's turf (formerly known as Reliant Stadium's turf) has been unconditionally released after 13 seasons of service to the organization.

The grizzled, pothole-ridden veteran vowed to return to the NFL and is reportedly interested in signing with The Black Hole, as it's known in Oakland, "or, really, anywhere where talent goes to die. Yeah, I'm into that stuff."

Texans' owner Bob McNair thanked the field for its professionalism and loyalty to the team but said that it had "lost a step lately... in that anyone stepping on it, might lose that foot."

(Headline courtesy of DrunkSkipBayless)

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