Houston Texans On Hard Knocks 2015: Week 1 Recap

"Let's be honest with each other. This place has no respect in the league, just so you guys are all aware of that. This organization is 96 and 126 -- 30 games below .500. Turn your TV on; nobody talks about the Houston Texans, because no one thinks we're gonna win."

God, I love Bill O'Brien. Between the F-bombs and the clearly-not-auditioning-for-a-Weekend-at-Bernie's-sequel, he's everything Gary Kubiak was not. And, for that, I love him.

WELCOME TO HARD KNOCKS, PEOPLE. THINGS JUST GOT SUPER REAL.

I'm trying to decide how to cover this. I think I'll make notes in real time and then hit publish. Sound good? (Not that I care what your answer is, since you won't see this until after I've already implemented that plan.)

-Vince Wilfork comparing himself to the size of an elephant is the best thing I've seen since Bill O'Brien stopped dropping F-bombs 2 minutes ago.

-J.J Watt is better than you at anything you might possibly consider doing. He is Humanity 2.0. And when I briefly thought he was wearing a Michigan hat, I got way more excited than a 37-year-old should.

-"I hit 65." Flips. Of a 1,000-lb. tire. Because it was there. And that was something I could do. Unlike you, you worthless puke. I feel like J.J.'s anger translator.

-Arian Foster's brother looks like a malnourished...um...Arian Foster. But he just admitted that he's responsible for Arian's workouts. So, I'm blaming him for the injury. Because rationalization is one of the stages of grief.

-"All rookies are in the same boat." /cuts to shot of a boat. OH, HBO, YOU ARE A PUNNY MOFO!

-Christian Covington is on the third book of Game of Thrones and is "probably" going to read a bunch of C.S. Lewis. The Rice kid is a nerd? WHO COULD HAVE PREDICTED THAT???

-Other possible trivia questions for Bill O'Brien: What color were my underwear yesterday? (TRICK QUESTION, BECAUSE THERE ARE NO UNDERWEAR THAT CAN CONTAIN WHAT O'BRIEN IS BRINGING.)

-Bill O'Brien doesn't give a f--k about Arkansas. And now I'm willing to take a bullet for the man.

-The Arian Foster highlight package makes his injury that much more depressing. Thanks, HBO.

-"Imagine if you had to get up and f--kin' work everyday." Real Talk.

-Reshard Cliett needs a million reps? I think we're estimating low. Though he is "workin' his ass off to be a good player." My money is still on his not making a Pro Bowl.

-Good lord...as I wrote the last entry, I looked up to see his ACL do horrific things. I blame Arian Foster's brother.

-Sean Hayes' "Macho Man" impression is the Tennessee Titans of mimicry.

-Ben Jones puked on the ball. And sounds like a background character from Duck Dynasty.

-Bill O'Brien drops the F-bomb more than I do. Which is amazingly impressive.

-"As [Arian's injury] relates to our football team, I want you to listen carefully: [I WILL FACE PUNCH ALL OF YOU INTO A PILE OF MUSH, I SWEAR TO GOD!]" -Bill O'Brien, slightly paraphrased.

-Vince Wilfork just compared his assist game to Vlade Divac in a positive manner and now nothing I've ever learned about basketball makes any sense.

-Vince let y'all win.

-Christian Covington, Amateur Chiropterologist.

-DeAndre Hopkins could catch a greased billiard ball fired out of a t-shirt cannon at 10 paces.

-Brian Cushing telling DeAndre Hopkins that he's not Jerry Rice would be better if I hadn't immediately thought, "Yeah, Brian? Well, you're no Jamie Sharper at this point!"

-And then Bill O'Brien makes grown-ass men run to the sideline and back for a mistake. And they do it. Including J.J. Watt, who runs a lap. Thing is, J.J. Watt's lap probably prevented a tsunami somewhere on the planet. Because even his mistakes are a benefit to mankind.

-Romeo, Romeo...where for art thou ass-beating, Romeo?

-J.J. Watt stays after practice because Romeo was mad at other players. Then he caught balls one-handed from the JUGS gun. Because he can. And that's why he will always, always beat you and win a Nobel Peace Prize and a MacArthur Grant in the process.

-The previous entry was brought to you by Gatorade.

-I love that three cops follow J.J. down the autograph line, as if some 12-year-old is going to pull a knife or something.

-Vince Wilfork brought jokes.

-Brian Hoyer sighting. I hope it's the last. Oh, look, he's barefoot and pointing out that he's not as good as Tom Brady. Which we all knew.

-So far, Watt and Nuk look great. Everyone else looks...not like J.J. and Nuk.

-Texans QBs in Redskins jerseys. Let's hope the stink of RG3 isn't contagious.

-When your own teammates are watching a scrimmage, saying, "Look at J.J.," you know you are special.

-If Ryan Mallett is your starter, DeAndre Hopkins will break the team's single-season receiving yardage record.

-DeAngelo Hall does NOT want some of Nuk. "We can box." "I'm a grown-ass man, dog." "I fear God, not you." Plus, Hall is just overrated as hell and couldn't cover BFD on a post route.

-Right after I wrote the previous entry, Hall's ankle gave out. I credit Arian Foster's brother.

-Oh, look, Dan Snyder. Insert your punchline.

-Bill O'Brien f--kin' loves some Rick Ross. Brian Hoyer does not love clean handoffs.

-More Real Talk: I want to do tequila shots with Mike Vrabel in a Matamoros bar until one of us wakes up in a bathtub full of ice, sans one kidney.

-Brian Cushing was an extra on Jersey Shore. Swear to god.

-Virginia weather don't punt fake. /themoreyouknow.gif

-"Bro, you're maybe 112 pounds. You might wanna stay the f--k back." J.J. Watt just gave Pierre Garcon some serious self-preservation advice.

-RG3 just fled from that fight. Because of course he did.

-J.J. Watt's mom is terrible at cornhole. If Derek talks on J.J. Watt's backswing one more time, they are gonna have problems. And then J.J. wins, because J.J. wins.

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Coming up next week:

-Someone's sock game is phenomenal.

-Someone is trying to look like a storm trooper.