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Houston Texans On Hard Knocks 2015: Week 1 Recap

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Knock Hard: The Bill O'Brien Story. In which J.J. Watt and DeAndre Hopkins give us hope.

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Amber Searls-USA TODAY Sports

"Let's be honest with each other. This place has no respect in the league, just so you guys are all aware of that. This organization is 96 and 126 -- 30 games below .500. Turn your TV on; nobody talks about the Houston Texans, because no one thinks we're gonna win."

God, I love Bill O'Brien. Between the F-bombs and the clearly-not-auditioning-for-a-Weekend-at-Bernie's-sequel, he's everything Gary Kubiak was not. And, for that, I love him.

WELCOME TO HARD KNOCKS, PEOPLE. THINGS JUST GOT SUPER REAL.

I'm trying to decide how to cover this. I think I'll make notes in real time and then hit publish. Sound good? (Not that I care what your answer is, since you won't see this until after I've already implemented that plan.)

-Vince Wilfork comparing himself to the size of an elephant is the best thing I've seen since Bill O'Brien stopped dropping F-bombs 2 minutes ago.

-J.J Watt is better than you at anything you might possibly consider doing. He is Humanity 2.0. And when I briefly thought he was wearing a Michigan hat, I got way more excited than a 37-year-old should.

-"I hit 65." Flips. Of a 1,000-lb. tire. Because it was there. And that was something I could do. Unlike you, you worthless puke. I feel like J.J.'s anger translator.

-Arian Foster's brother looks like a malnourished...um...Arian Foster. But he just admitted that he's responsible for Arian's workouts. So, I'm blaming him for the injury. Because rationalization is one of the stages of grief.

-"All rookies are in the same boat." /cuts to shot of a boat. OH, HBO, YOU ARE A PUNNY MOFO!

-Christian Covington is on the third book of Game of Thrones and is "probably" going to read a bunch of C.S. Lewis. The Rice kid is a nerd? WHO COULD HAVE PREDICTED THAT???

-Other possible trivia questions for Bill O'Brien: What color were my underwear yesterday? (TRICK QUESTION, BECAUSE THERE ARE NO UNDERWEAR THAT CAN CONTAIN WHAT O'BRIEN IS BRINGING.)

-Bill O'Brien doesn't give a f--k about Arkansas. And now I'm willing to take a bullet for the man.

-The Arian Foster highlight package makes his injury that much more depressing. Thanks, HBO.

-"Imagine if you had to get up and f--kin' work everyday." Real Talk.

-Reshard Cliett needs a million reps? I think we're estimating low. Though he is "workin' his ass off to be a good player." My money is still on his not making a Pro Bowl.

-Good lord...as I wrote the last entry, I looked up to see his ACL do horrific things. I blame Arian Foster's brother.

-Sean Hayes' "Macho Man" impression is the Tennessee Titans of mimicry.

-Ben Jones puked on the ball. And sounds like a background character from Duck Dynasty.

-Bill O'Brien drops the F-bomb more than I do. Which is amazingly impressive.

-"As [Arian's injury] relates to our football team, I want you to listen carefully: [I WILL FACE PUNCH ALL OF YOU INTO A PILE OF MUSH, I SWEAR TO GOD!]" -Bill O'Brien, slightly paraphrased.

-Vince Wilfork just compared his assist game to Vlade Divac in a positive manner and now nothing I've ever learned about basketball makes any sense.

-Vince let y'all win.

-Christian Covington, Amateur Chiropterologist.

-DeAndre Hopkins could catch a greased billiard ball fired out of a t-shirt cannon at 10 paces.

-Brian Cushing telling DeAndre Hopkins that he's not Jerry Rice would be better if I hadn't immediately thought, "Yeah, Brian? Well, you're no Jamie Sharper at this point!"

-And then Bill O'Brien makes grown-ass men run to the sideline and back for a mistake. And they do it. Including J.J. Watt, who runs a lap. Thing is, J.J. Watt's lap probably prevented a tsunami somewhere on the planet. Because even his mistakes are a benefit to mankind.

-Romeo, Romeo...where for art thou ass-beating, Romeo?

-J.J. Watt stays after practice because Romeo was mad at other players. Then he caught balls one-handed from the JUGS gun. Because he can. And that's why he will always, always beat you and win a Nobel Peace Prize and a MacArthur Grant in the process.

-The previous entry was brought to you by Gatorade.

-I love that three cops follow J.J. down the autograph line, as if some 12-year-old is going to pull a knife or something.

-Vince Wilfork brought jokes.

-Brian Hoyer sighting. I hope it's the last. Oh, look, he's barefoot and pointing out that he's not as good as Tom Brady. Which we all knew.

-So far, Watt and Nuk look great. Everyone else looks...not like J.J. and Nuk.

-Texans QBs in Redskins jerseys. Let's hope the stink of RG3 isn't contagious.

-When your own teammates are watching a scrimmage, saying, "Look at J.J.," you know you are special.

-If Ryan Mallett is your starter, DeAndre Hopkins will break the team's single-season receiving yardage record.

-DeAngelo Hall does NOT want some of Nuk. "We can box." "I'm a grown-ass man, dog." "I fear God, not you." Plus, Hall is just overrated as hell and couldn't cover BFD on a post route.

-Right after I wrote the previous entry, Hall's ankle gave out. I credit Arian Foster's brother.

-Oh, look, Dan Snyder. Insert your punchline.

-Bill O'Brien f--kin' loves some Rick Ross. Brian Hoyer does not love clean handoffs.

-More Real Talk: I want to do tequila shots with Mike Vrabel in a Matamoros bar until one of us wakes up in a bathtub full of ice, sans one kidney.

-Brian Cushing was an extra on Jersey Shore. Swear to god.

-Virginia weather don't punt fake. /themoreyouknow.gif

-"Bro, you're maybe 112 pounds. You might wanna stay the f--k back." J.J. Watt just gave Pierre Garcon some serious self-preservation advice.

-RG3 just fled from that fight. Because of course he did.

-J.J. Watt's mom is terrible at cornhole. If Derek talks on J.J. Watt's backswing one more time, they are gonna have problems. And then J.J. wins, because J.J. wins.

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Coming up next week:

-Someone's sock game is phenomenal.

-Someone is trying to look like a storm trooper.