Houston Texans on Hard Knocks 2015: Week 2 Recap

I'm covering this week's episode of the Bill O'Brien F-Bomb Express not from the comfort of my own home, but from a hotel room in Fort Smith, Arkansas. Fort Smith has many things -- surprisingly fantastic Vietnamese food; the crippling poverty of Arkansas, with the scenic appeal of eastern Oklahoma borderlands; a police department that will try to hack a lawyer's computer, only to fail due to their own ineptitude -- but it does not have a Holiday Inn Express equipped with a DVR. So, if you thought last week's entry relied far too heavily on direct quotes from the show, you are in for a treat!

UGH. COME ON, HBO. THESE FIVE MINUTES OF PRE-SHOW ADS FOR HBO SHOWS ARE INTERMINABLY LONG AND I DON'T KNOW HOW I WILL GET THROUGH.

(Spoiler: Booze. Booze is how I will get through. Just like I do when it comes to all things Texans.)

...

-Another episode starting with Bill O'Brien telling Texans' personnel how awful they are, then encouraging them to be less awful. He's heard that you can catch more flies with honey than vinegar, but he says "F--- those flies and f--- you, too."

-The veterans won't even sweat at this practice? I call B.S. Vince Wilfork is gon' sweat, no matter where he is or what is going on.

-Mike Vrabel seems like the kind of guy who would punch his grandmother if the Thanksgiving turkey was dry. I like that about him. Grandma needs to show us that she can play.

-"[Lynden] Trail, hit a pass-rush move, man.  [/Trail fails at Ram Left] Trail, get the f--- out!"

-No, seriously, "You are out of the f---ing game, Trail. Sorry." (By the way, Vrabel was NOT sorry right there.)

-How awesome is J.J. Watt? Lynden Trail and his girlfriend are even talking about the man at dinner.

-Vince Wilfork loves breakfast, but can pass on brunch.  Not that he ever has passed on brunch, but he could. In theory. And now J.J. Watt is expecting a wonderful breakfast concoction from Wilfork's wife on the next off-day.

-Brian Cushing is making fun of Vrabel's kid's hair. $10 says Cushing gives wedgies on dates.

-Cushing just kicked the tackling dummy. Make my previous bet $20.

-I don't even know what to make of that Cushing/Alfred Blue battle, but I don't think it was a good sign overall for Cushing.

-Bill O'Brien has a Ph.D. in giving platitudes to the media and avoiding commenting on slapdick rookies on other teams. Of course, he learned from the master of non-answers, so that's not surprising.

-Johnathan Josep and Kareem Jackson shopping for little girls' clothes and talking about daughters growing up was fantastic. Not even kidding; that was just a great 20 seconds.

-"If I had a Yorkie and a man bag, would y'all judge me?" "I wouldn't just judge you, man; I'd delete your number." "You're trying to be great and you get a Yorkie??"

-I am really, really looking forward to the first round of cuts under the O'Brien regime (as shown on "Hard Knocks"). I can't decide if it's more likely that Bill curses the player and tells him that he's a complete turd, or if he'll sound completely different in a one-on-one than he does out on the field. Neither answer would surprise me.

-Bob McNair and Jadeveon Clowney in matching shorts, filmed at calf level, is high comedy.

-Oh, look, HBO decided to show that moment when Clowney murdered Vincent Smith. Thanks, HBO jerks. (God, that play was awesome, even to a Michigan fan.)

-"You gotta be sick of doing this sh-t." -O'Brien, to Clowney, about rehab exercises

-Weird thing I just noticed: the O-linemen really seemed to listen to Brian Hoyer, while they were just talking and not even looking in Ryan Mallett's direction.

-"If we run a quarterback draw with Mallett, I'll forfeit my game check." -KJax

-Vince Wilfork has the feet of a gigantic ballerina. And he takes care of them. Which was an oddly fascinating (if nauseating) scene.

-Brian Cushing's method of taking his toddlers out in the stroller is both incredibly lazy and pretty brilliant.

-Charles James II has some gangsta happy socks, which may or may not look weak, depending on who you ask. He also has one pair that's sh--ty.  All sock-jokery aside, James has some insight that Corey Moore should actually listen to. But it's kinda hard to listen to a dude who just got trucked by Chris Polk.

-I know there were complaints about the amount of J.J. Watt last week, but this episode could really use some more Watt.

-And, almost on cue, we have Watt, Joseph, Jackson, and Cushing talking about their junk. So...that happened.

-Stan Hixon has a pretty good idea what Keshawn Martin can do. As does anyone who has ever wondered what would happen if you put Stevie Wonder at WR and PR.

-Niiiice. O'Brien with a "no hats" rule in the meeting immediately after rookie haircuts. In the rookies' defense, those haircuts give them an excuse for their locks that Brian Cushing does not have.

-Alfred Blue's reaction to the barber's question about QBs was...not confidence-inspiring. But at least he knew O'Brien would disembowel him if he actually said anything negative. So, hooray for teaching?

-Good lord, Hoyer! DeAndre Hopkins couldn't have been more open.

-Somehow, even Hoyer's excited moments are boring. I think I'm firmly in the Mallett camp at this point. Or Tom Savage. Or...just sign Tim and let him do it.

-Here's a comprehensive list of times that it is acceptable to give Jay Prosch the ball:

-Look, the San Francisco 49ers are a dumpster fire of a team. They should never keep any team out of the end zone in SEVEN tries from the 4 or closer. Never. Ever. At all. O'Brien should have beaten Blue into a coma with one of Wilfork's bubbly shoes after that series.

-Every time I see Trail, I keep wondering why the hell Lawrence Vickers is playing defense.

-I like Charles James II. There, I said it.

-"Hey, let's go score. For real. Let's go score." -Jaelen Strong, shortly before his pretty TD catch.

-If Louis Nix can't get healthy, can we get Wilfork's son a jersey?

-OOOOH, CLOWNEY SIGHTING. ON TV AND EVERYTHING! AND THERE'S FIVEHEAD!

-Ben Jones needs a Dr. Oz-style talk show, wherein he hawks dogbone-shaped homeopathic remedies. Like you wouldn't watch that?