Houston Texans on Hard Knocks 2015: Week 3 Recap

Opening...the bubble.

J.J. Watt just dropped three four five six F-bombs in the first minute. Sh*t just got real, y'all.

Bill O'Brien doesn't care about draft slots or money. Only performance. And some of you jackwagons won't make the team. This goes for everybody*.  *Not counting J.J. Watt. He's definitely making the team.

Ben Jones looks like a hillbilly even walking down the stairs to the practice field. But at least the nasal strip is on his nose today.

Quintin Demps sighting. Which, if nothing else, is probably bad news for that Jasper fella.

Seeing Bill O'Brien holding the driver while talking to Rick Smith, I was kind of thinking of (hoping for) this:

Uh oh. Jasper Coleman is having a sit-down with Rick Smith. Can't be great news. Rick Smith likes his skills...but...maybe next year, Jasper.

No joke, kudos to Demps for wearing a suit to his meeting with Rick Smith. That's class. I appreciate that.

SEND IN THE CLOWNEY!

Seriously...just...there's movement...Jadeveon Clowney...and football...and swoon....

Mike Vrabel doesn't give two sh*ts about Clowney's rep. "You know how that buckles?"

Mike Vrabel was just on my TV for 45 second and didn't drop an F-bomb. I am disappoint.

"We can never lose our competitiveness." -The Guy Who Named Brian Hoyer As Starter.

J.J. Watt could have murdered Ryan Mallett, but didn't. Because J.J. Watt --

Never mind the previous thought. "I want Watt in there!" And then he is. And then things get destroyed and the defense has the ball and everything you thought you knew about football is turned on its head, because Justin James Watt blesses you with his existence.

"[Your name] could be multiple choice and I wouldn't know it." -Tom Savage. "He got 30 letters in his name; there's no E." -Cecil Shorts III.

No, for real -- Uzoma Nwachukwu looks good. Even if Cecil Shorts can't spell it. Like...really good. And his space questions -- "is there water on space" -- are wonderful. I like him. I really do. Just throw Damaris Johnson into a small trashcan and be done with it.

EVEN PEOPLE LIVING IN SPACE KNOW ABOUT J.J. WATT'S DAY-TO-DAY HABITS.

There is no speed on the JUGS machine fast enough to get a football past J.J. Watt. None. I mean, I know that the speed of light is supposed to be a universal speed limit. But...if J.J. is involved...I have my doubts.

Bill O'Brien loves Charles James II. As do I. It's the socks, man.

"What is Charles doin' on offense, bruh?"

Charles James -- running the ball, shutting down WRs, rocking socks.

Brian Cushing is vomiting. Which...dear lord...that was horrendous. And now he's pointing it out to people. Because he's a 15-year-old boy at heart.

Ben Jones just said something, ostensibly in English, and I didn't understand a word of it. There's country, then there's Ben Jones.

PUNTERS DO NOT GET TO NAP OR TO EYEBALL PEOPLE WHO ARE NAPPING. GET YOUR ASS ON THE PRACTICE FIELD, LECHLER!

Seriously, Sean Hayes' Macho Man Savage impression is terrible. I mean, it's basically gravel voice plus the occasional "whoo!" I feel like Vince Wilfork can fart a better impression.

Khari Lee as Bill O'Brien is my favoritest thing in the universe right now. "I'm f*cking Suzie Carmichael from the Rice Owls." "Strong...why the f*ck aren't you sitting down?!" "We're gonna compete and work hard and we're gonna f*cking win. And you know where that's gonna come from? Competing and working hard."

ARTISTIC CLEAT-SHOT INTERLUDE OVER SOUNDS OF SLIM THUG.

"Bang bang chicken and shrimp!" -Chris Polk, inexplicably

O'Brien Math: 8 carries for 50 yards equals 15 carries for 120 yards.

Chris Polk's mom can whoop his ass. No lie. Real talk. She punches him for sport. "You hit like a girl!" He hit her one time real hard, but she still punches him. I like her.

Mike Vrabel thinks Kourtnei Brown's name is spelled "Courtney," both because Vrabel is a tOSU moron and because he's a hater like that. Mainly the former, though.

This episode needs more Clowney. Fo' real.

Kid in Watt jersey >>>>> Brian Hoyer.

"It's not a short leach, but...if he's not gettin' it done, you yank him." -The Guy Who Chose Brian Hoyer Without Having A Family Member Held Hostage By Eritrean Separatists.

The Loggins interlude for Swinnis matches was glorious, and I won't hear different. Also, it makes me want to post this:

Seriously...needs more Clowney.

Charles James II wants to shake Peyton Manning's hand. I'm now having doubts about James. Don't play like that, Charles. That's gross. That's bush league.

Brian Cushing's opinion of Brian Cushing is...inflated.

Just gonna throw this out there: if you gave me 16:1 odds that Ben Jones had once eaten roadkill, I wouldn't take the bet.

"THE WHOLE OFFENSE! GET OVER HERE!"

Speed this sh*t up. Or, to put it terms people understand:

Brock Osweiler >>>> Brian Hoyer.

Mike Vrabel's staring at Kourtnei Brown during the halftime talk does NOT bode well for Brown during the first round of cuts.

Charles James is a special-teams ninja of the highest order. I'd bet $50 he makes the team.

That stuff...earlier...about Kourtnei Brown's prospects? Put a pin in that. "C'mon, legs!"

Nwachukwu got completely accosted on that fade. Dude deserved better right there.

"Losing will never be accepted here." -Guy Who Willingly Decided Brian Hoyer Was His Best Option.

The Hoyer-Mallett scene in the QB room? It's about consistency. Also, I'm reasonably sure it's all part of O'Brien's plan to make those two ultimately fight to the death to win the job. Or...at least I hope that's what's up.

ON THE NEXT HARD KNOCKS: HEADS WILL ROLL! ROOKIES READ THINGS! PEOPLE FISH! THINGS HAPPEN IN NOLA!