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PUT YOUR NAME ON IT: 2015 Houston Texans Season Predictions From The BRB Staff

The BRB staff lays their 2015 Houston Texans season predictions on you, so prepare to laugh, cry, and above all else - mock.

Getcha pom-poms ready!
Getcha pom-poms ready!
Matthew Emmons-USA TODAY Sports

It's about that time the BRB staff (and friends) infuriate many of you with their 2015 Houston Texans season predictions.  After memorializing their predictions for the entire NFL in 2015, each writer painstakingly crafted their hot taekz on all things specific to the 2015 Texans.

At this point we don't know whether Bill O'Brien's repeated f-bombs are responsible for MDC's predictions, or if - again - it's his insistence on typing while getting blindingly, debilitatingly drunk and running through a gauntlet of bare-knuckled fighters who just punch him straight in the cranium as hard as they possibly can.

On to the predictions...

Texans Record: 8-8

I'm willing to give Bill O'Brien the benefit of the doubt as an offensive mastermind and not predict much of a dropoff from last season. I guess there's a slim chance Jaelen Strong is ready to kick butt in the second half and elevates the offense, but I wouldn't bet on it. I'm pegging the defense to be about the same as they were last season. J.J. Watt is still the best reason to watch Texans games. I think Jadeveon Clowney will come on in the second half, and I'm optimistic about him long-term. Safety scares me and the rest of the front seven is replete with question marks. Throw that in a blender with some missed Arian Foster games, and I think you wind up with about the same formula you did in 2014.

Texans Record: 7-9

Our offense is a [KITTEH] train wreck, especially without Foster. WR, aside from DeAndre Hopkins, and TE are both terrible. Offensive line is going to be worse without Chris Myers.

Our S position is garbage, and I have little faith in a productive year from Clowney. This leaves one decent LB on the roster, as I think Benardrick McKinney is a year away from being, at best, average.

Brett Kollmann
Texans Record:

I don't think the Texans are a major player in the AFC quite yet, but I do think that they are a legitimate spoiler threat to the big guns of the conference. I could easily see them grabbing a wild card spot, beating the Bengals in the first round (again), and then ultimately getting tossed in the divisional round like usual. Just two years removed from a 2-14 debacle, however, I'll take that kind of season and smile giddily.

Texans Record: 10-6

Despite the lack of a true "franchise QB," Bill O'Brien is enough of a game-planner to work around injuries, ineptitude and Andrew Luck to improve upon last season's 9-7 record. Though Arian Foster is expected to miss several games, he should come back soon enough to not completely hinder the offense anymore than Brian Hoyer will anyways. The defense, with another season of RAC's tutelage and the addition of Clowney, Kevin Johnson, and Vince Wilfork, should be even more impressive than they were last season. Special teams remains anchored by Shane Lechler, Randy Bullock, and Jon Weeks, and hopefully better returns than K-Mart has offered. All around, despite the loss of Andre Johnson to the Colts and the question mark under center, this team should take a step forward, and in the NFL, a step forward translates to more victories.

Matt Weston
Texans Record: 8-8

The schedule is easy again. J.J. Watt is really good and can carry the defense to a top ten season again. But the we really doing this again? I mean, really? Really?

Watching Ryan Gritzpatrick bounce one hop passes all over the field and doing just enough to lead Houston to 17 points every week was miserable enough. Now the same thing is about to occur with Brian Hoyer. Just like Fitzpatrick before him, Hoyer needs to be in a perfect situation to succeed, except the difference is Houston will be without Foster for the first five games or so, and the rest of the backfield is a thrift store. Hoyer without an average run game will be disastrous, and I'm sure I'll hate him even more than Fitzpatrick.

So mediocrity again until Houston moves down the aisles and actually attempts to fix the QB situation rather than sift through the bargain section.

Texans Record: 11-5

Look, it might be the booze (spoiler: it is), but I'm just completely sauced on blind homerism right now. I think Tom Brady winning OPOY will play in Watt's favor, given the negative press for Brady and the Pats of late, so that the writers can "give" Watt the award that he should have received in 2014 as well. I see Watt ending the season with 21 sacks, 5 TDs (including one rushing and, Lord willing, one passing), and roughly all the hype and love in the known universe. Throw in six intra-divisional wins, plus five more wins (including the Chiefs, because, seriously, F them), and I like how this is going. The Texans then peak right at the perfect time, rampage through the playoffs, and beat the Southern Oklahoma Cowboys behind Watt's Super Bowl MVP performance. There will be tears, and they will come from Tony Romo (or, at the very least, his survivors).


Capt Ron
Texans Record: 10-6

They lose close games to the Panthers, Dolphins, Falcons, Bills, Bengals, and at Jaguars. They sweep the Titans and Colts, including a first-ever win on the road in Indy, and take care of business with the rest of the schedule, including a blowout of the Patriots in front of a thunderous crowd at NRG Stadium.

Notable performances:

J.J. Watt finishes the regular season with 23 sacks, 118 hits/hurries on QBs, 32 tackles for a loss, 5 forced fumbles, 3 recovered fumbles, 1 interception returned for a touchdown, 1 rushing touchdown, 2 receiving touchdowns, and 1 passing touchdown.

Jadeveon Clowney notches 14 sacks, 43 hits/hurries on QBs, 3 forced fumbles, 1 fumble recovery, and 27 tackles for a loss.

Vince Wilfork: Super Bowl MVP with 4 sacks on Russell Wilson, including a strip-sack that he returns for the game winning touchdown as time expires. J.J. Watt was his lead blocker....of course!

Texans Record: 9-7

Ultimately, I think that three game stretch in the second half of the season against the Bills, Patriots, and Colts determines whether this team makes the postseason or not. Win two of those three, and Houston is playoff-bound. Don't, and you're scoreboard-watching on the final weekend of the season, begging for two or three other teams to lose so you can grab that second wild card berth.

In terms of the team itself, I believe the Texans' defense this year has a chance to be great. Historically great, even. Not the 2000 Baltimore Ravens defense, but a defense that Houston fans talk about for years to come. The issue, of course, is with the offense. As Ryan Fitzpatrick was before him, I believe Brian Hoyer will be as good as he's capable of being under Bill O'Brien. But without Arian Foster for a handful of games, and quite possibly with an Arian Foster that's not the Arian Foster we've come to love and rely upon for several years, I just have a hard time seeing this team score enough points to take the next step. Nothing between seven wins and ten wins would surprise me, and it's a testament to Bill O'Brien that I'm as bullish on this team as I am.

Ryan Dunsmore
Texans Record: 10-6

Everything in my head says I'm going to be wrong. Looking at the quarterback position and the running back position without Arian Foster, I see a 6-10 team. That said, if the Texans can get serviceable play from both positions, they can take advantage of a weak schedule.

Houston has four division wins in the bag and in this scenario, I'm giving them one win over the Colts (I'm on the good drugs). So the Texans have to figure out how to win five more over the remaining 11 games, which includes games against the NFC South. It can happen if you believe.

Texans Record: 9-7

The move to Brian Hoyer from Ryan Fitzpatrick will be better than some think. He won't set the world on fire, but Hoyer will move the ball with short-area passing. The offense will have its hiccups, but it won't be the highly variable mess that we saw last year.

The defense will take care of its job, exhausting itself every week to give the offense more opportunities. And, by Watt, they'll do it.

They'll be a better team than last year, but stronger competition leaves them with the same record.

Houston Diehards
Texans Record: 9-7

The Texans have a different flavor of the same quarterback problem they had last season.  Plus, let's be honest - this team overachieved last year.  The good news is, I think Bill O'Brien is a bona fide top-third head coach who can improve on that standing if he would just get us beyond this stop-gap QB hell.  I honestly don't think O'Brien thinks he can just get by with "a guy" at quarterback.  I think the plan is to either trade for a guy they consider a true franchise QB or go after the guy in the draft even if it costs a ton of picks.

But back to 2015.  Yeah, that QB situation, a questionable running game (with or without Foster, honestly - I don't trust this offensive line and the depth is laughable).  You have two guys who made this roster on the offensive line in Kendall Lamm and Greg Mancz who I can't imagine would have made many other rosters.

I can't really add anything new or original regarding the defense.  It can be anywhere from good to legitimately great - but even great defenses in today's NFL are going to give up 14-20 points.  Are you comfortable saying this offense can score 17-20 points a week?  Heh, HELL no.  Enough to get you 7 to 9 wins?  Sure.  Enough to put you in the playoffs?  Nah.

Leave your thoughts and predictions for the Texans' upcoming season in the comments below.

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