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Three And Out: Useless Predictions For Texans-Chiefs

If you're looking for a prediction post about what'll happen in the Houston Texans' 2015 opener against the Kansas City Chiefs, I suppose this qualifies. As long as you're not one of those people who insist on predictions being right, useful, or of any real benefit besides entertainment.

We're excited too, Kevin.
We're excited too, Kevin.
Troy Taormina-USA TODAY Sports

Remember when, in the season finale of "Hard Knocks," Kareem Jackson said to Charles James, "If you don't know, now you know"? If you're asking, "What is this 'Three and Out' nonsense?", well...if you don't know, now you know.

Each week, I'll make three (3) predictions concerning statistics, plays, performance, and the like that are guaranteed to occur in Sunday's Texans game. How often are said predictions accurate? Virtually never. Remember--I'm a moron. Nevertheless, I have a microphone and you don't, so you will read every damn prediction I make!

So here we are, finally on the cusp of the Houston Texans' 2015 season. It's time for "Three and Out" to rise from it's eight-plus month slumber and for me to dust off my crystal ball. As sure as my name is Scott, these three (3) things shall come to pass when the Texans host the Chiefs on Sunday afternoon.

1. Let's start with the first overall pick of the 2014 NFL Draft. In his first game action since undergoing microfracture surgery approximately nine (9) months ago, we know Jadeveon Clowney will be on a snap count. He's still going to get his first sack in the NFL on Sunday, and Alex Smith will become the answer to a trivia question. Clowney's comin'.

2. I, like virtually everyone who follows the NFL, am bullish on the Texans' defense this year. The idea of J.J. Watt, Vince Wilfork, a healthy Brian Cushing, and a truly deep set of cornerbacks, to say nothing of Jadeveon Clowney hopefully getting stronger and better throughout the season, has me giddy about what we could have the privilege of watching every week.

However, Jamaal Charles is special. Running backs are going to struggle against Houston's defense, but the great ones will still get loose for a big play or three. Charles rushes for 76 yards and catches five passes for 49 yards, including a touchdown, on Sunday.

3. I suppose I need to talk about the Texans' offense at some point, huh? Without Arian Foster, I don't really want to, but never let it be said I don't give the people what they want. Some quick hit predictions for various Texans:

-Brian Hoyer: 16-26 for 209 yards, 1 TD, and 1 INT.
-Alfred Blue: 19 carries for 79 yards and 1 TD.
-DeAndre Hopkins: 5 catches for 82 yards.
-Cecil Shorts III: 6 catches for 57 yards.
-Garrett Graham: 3 catches for 17 yards and 1 TD.

PUT YOUR NAME ON IT: This feels weird to admit, but yesterday's news that Mike Mohamed would miss Sunday's game very nearly caused me to change my prediction. Travis Kelce frightens me. But I have faith that Romeo Crennel will figure out a way to minimize Kelce running wild. I believe the Chiefs' offense, while certainly featuring some dangerous weapons, will be contained by Houston's defense, and I hope trust that the Texans' offense will do just enough to win a close one at home. Texans 20, Chiefs 17.

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