Houston Texans on Hard Knocks 2015: Week 5 Recap

Aw, yeah...let's rock out to the dulcet tones of Liev Schreiber, ya'll.  We'll call out adventure Billjack Horsebrien. You'll tell your grandchildren about what we do here tonight.

(Full disclosure: I've been over-served. Neither Tim nor any other member of the BRB cognoscenti has approved or adopted what follows. But SB Nation? Totally. This is all totally on them. Also, BFD. But he's always to blame. He completes me.)

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SPEED, WORTHY, SPEED! RUN!

Look, Bill O'Brien is not happy with your idiocy. But he'll also admit when he's wrong, and you're welcome to tell him to go screw himself. (But ask Khari Lee how it plays out when you mock the BO'B.)

The intro to this show makes me want to be really active, then go to bed with my alarm clock set.

BO'B is going around to certain guys and telling them it's a big week. Which is probably like a mafioso telling you, "This is a pretty family you have here; be a shame if someone shoved them in a wood chipper."

I can't decide if it's funnier seeing J.J. Watt play QB or Brian Cushing wearing the no-contact beanie.

Carli Lloyd just made E.Z.'s day. He's smitten.

Vince Wilfork is always loose. Don't play.

Carli Lloyd >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Kris Brown. Vince Wilfork = Carli Lloyd from 25 and 35. But his hamstring don't work like that beyond 35.

DeAndre Hopkins just cockblocked Uzoma Nwachukwu. Which, honestly, is perfect. Like...not as perfect as Wilfork's "we gotta go to meetin's," but close.

"Take care; good luck." EZ just got friend-zoned.

Real talk: Why does Keshawn Martin exist? I can't come up with a reason.

Christian Covington has nothing to lose. J.J. says so. Let it fly, dog. Let it fly.

Here's what I like about BO'B -- he respects smart players. If a guy has skills and has the mental capacity to improve his performance under coaching, Bill is on board.

Covington is going to force me to find a punny "The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe" joke this season. I'm okay with that.

Mike Vrabel will happily kill your whole family with a blocking pad. And you probably can't stop him. Because you have no rhythm.

Knowing that Charles James II gets cut, these scenes with him are unreasonably sad. His socks, however, are on point.

Damn...James stopped eating after he got cut one time. How you gonna cut Karen Carpenter, BO'B??? Loooovvving youuuuu...is easy cuz your beautiful...do do doo doo do doooooo....

Covington thinks everyone in this league loves this game. Somewhere, Russell Wilson laughs and has a publicist critique his faux organic giggle.

Kourtnei Brown "has never been good enough." Ouch. Like...seriously ouch.

Honestly, I love EZ, but his route running is borderline atrocious. He's stiff, too tall out of his breaks, and unable to really challenge for any contested ball. The cut makes sense from 10,000 feet.

"Put good sh&t on tape." John Butler loves "2 Girls, 1 Cup."

That weight room...holy hell. And then we see Brian Hoyer squatting with a couple 20-lb. dumbbells. Because of course he did.

OOOOH, ARIAN! Being trained by someone other than his brother! I'm on board.

And then Jadeveon Clowney. Who, in O'Brien's words, you ain't blocking while Watt is on the field. Look, y'all...I just got movement. It is what it is. Don't judge.

1-2-3 MEOW!

Jonathan Grimes is the Billy Joel of this team. Had they shown me this in Week One of Hard Knocks, I'd probably give him more love, honestly. If he'll play the coda to "Layla" and send me a recording, I'll make it my ringtone. No lie. 100% real.

Charles James wears a child-sized hat. As someone who could wear a bucket as a hat and have it look small, this frightens me.

EZ's Hunger Games whistling sounds more like this:

Charles James II is a solid, solid dude. I'll miss him.

Ugh...the Kourtnei Brown "get off the field" scene is hard to watch. "Why the f*^k are you on the field, Kourtnei?!?!" "He's played eight[.] Of course he's tired."

Look, Christian Covington. As a fellow pudgy nerd, I cannot explain how happy I am that you made this team. Well done, my friend. (What's that? We've never met? Shut up.)

Whoa...Mike Vrabel is REALLY not a fan of K. Brown's lack of stamina. Holy sh^t, that was awkward.

Bang. Bang. Chicken. And. Shrimp. Y'all. /avoids his mom's crack-back block

"SHUT OUT WINS!" -Bill O'Brien (explaining what has to happen for this team to finish above .500 behind Brian Hoyer)

Kourtnei Brown, man of his word. Which just shows you how much the coaching staff was not enamored with his lack of stamina.

Calling EZ's night "hit or miss" is overselling it. Then CJ2 whiffs on pass coverage AND a tackle. This is rough.

Being 5'9" makes playing CB hard. Steve Smith laughs at your height-based stereotypes. (Spoiler: Charles James II is NOT Steve Smith. Much as it hurts to say that.)

Brandon Deaderick looks like Rick Ross's long-lost cousin.

Lynden Trail -- CUT. But my money is on his making another team for at least a couple seasons.

"DON'T LOOK AT ME, GLEN!"

Kourtnei Brown's meeting with Rick Smith was...interesting. How do they decide which person cuts specific players? I need to know this.

Christian Covington is my spirit animal. Love that kid. (God, I feel old calling anyone a "kid." Whatevs. I'm open to beers and a discussion of particle physics with Covington.)

"Your route running is for a different type of system." -O'Brien to EZ. That system? One that doesn't actually require route running.

Wait wait wait...EZ is rocking skinny track pants? What the sh^t? That's cut-worthy on it's own. Good call, Bill.

"I ain't safe until we play Kansas City." -Charles James, foreshadowingly.

So Charles James' future with the Texans came down to whether the Texans could trade Jumal Rolle? Because, hell, if you're keeping a guy, it should be the one that no one would trade for? What the hell am I dealing with here?

Chris Polk's mom can kick better than Vince Wilfork. "BANG BANG CHICKEN AND SHRIMP!" I need that t-shirt.

J.J. Watt has so much money, the only reason he didn't charter a space shuttle is because Dallas is a fourth-rate city that can't handle a space shuttle landing.

Draft Derek Watt. I'm not kidding. Not even a little.

Charles James is NOT a fan of being told that he can't cover bigger WRs. Which is a great mindset for him to have. Man...I wish he'd made the team. Alternatively, I hope Jumal Rolle proves me wrong.

Kourtnei Brown to the Bucs. Jameis Winston gave him crablegs as a housewarming gift.

EZ and his skinny pants to Miami. Great fit.

Charles James to the Salty Balty. HIS NAME IS HIS NAME. HIS SOCKS ARE HIS SOCKS.

The only thing Bill O'Brien ever asked for was for every player on this team to strangle one or more people to death every day that we come into practice. THAT'S IT.

Whose number is further from his waist size: Vince Wilfork or Kevin Johnson? My money is on Vince.

Let's do this. Let's kick Kansas City in their sub-par-BBQ-eating faces.

Earn it.

"Guys, don't fart in the meeting room. That's nasty."

$500 says Ben Jones eats boogers when grass is unavailable.

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